packing.

boxes, random 'packing paper', stuff that i've forgotten about. looking back on the mess that was my apartment, and then just an empty room, its different than my last move. this is not only because now i live downstairs with elena (in the same building), but because it was the first step in a progression of packing that will end with me packing my (hopefully) two bags for japan and leaving everything else behind. initially this sounds so tragic and final in my head, but of course there's mail and some people who might make the trek over to visit me. it won't be thaat bad. of course this was before i got my placement. then i had my--i'd say second--little heart attack. the realization that i really was going for a year really relly soon started the questions in my head of why the hell am i doing this? i'm really happy here. i like my friends, my city, my family (most of the time). why would i leave this? but of course nothing lasts forever and this perfect portland, that is more in my head than in reality, is only temporary. if i stay everything would go down hill and not be as golden as i hold it in this moment. the fact that i'm leaving makes the city shine with its portland essence at its brightest. and as anyone would tell me, i'm fucking going to JAPAN. to a totally different and exciting culture, where i get to be the freak without even trying, where i can take advantage of my gaijin status (or rather try to be the best gaijin ever!), where i can be a new person to everyone around me and to myself. i get the opportunity to figure me out and see who i am. and figure out this other amazing culture/country and be a part of it. with all this optimism flowing from my finger tips i feel much better, but there is still that sinking feeling that, yes i am leaving everyone i love for at least a year. and yes i could get really scared and depressed--and probably will--for at least part of that year. this is still terrifying. i know that i don't deal well with stress and that this is the most stressful situation that i could put myself in. i just have to believe that i will make it through this and that it really will be one of the most amazing experiences of my life.