watch hot fuzz.

don't ask or reason why. just read the pretty words and do what they say. i would justify this with, it puts "shawn of the dead" to shame, but that is sacrilege. and five gold stars if you can name who the barmaid is.

another fun weekend under the belt.

the fukuyama five minute film festival finally occurred. this meant that i had an awesome weekend; a whole weekend up north, that is. good friends, really good food, enjoyable movies, plus applause. no matter if genuine or not, applause for something you made feels good. now i just need to make something else... portfolio here i come. watch out.

my film:

thawing.

i feel like i am the embodiment of spring. one day i feel like shit. i am dark. i am depressed. i am that day with no sun, with rain, wind, and monotone grey clouds. the summer, the sun, the light, seem forever away. being happy, being able to think beyond your annoyances, anger, is impossible; and then, wham, it's a different day. not just in the week, but in the feeling. i am that spring day when you feel the sun for the first time in what feels like forever. the birds literally chirp, or rather the cicadas sing, your thoughts are clear and you know that summer has to be tomorrow. this bouncing around is what i always forget spring is. it's not just those beautiful cool days, a little showering, spring sun; it's also those dark dreary days that you think you'll never some out of; and here, i feel this. one day i cannot wait to leave, and every moment takes an eternity--literally--that i can't make it through; and the next, like today, i remember how to think. i remember why i am here, and rejoice in it; but, no matter how hard i try, on those grey spring days i can't remember the sunny ones.

remembering.

kerouac's "the dharma bums" is making me think. it's reminding me why i hate religion. religion demands that you adopt someone else's ideas as your own, or at the very least, that you think about it and come to the same conclusions. if you don't come to the same conclusions, clearly that religion is not for you. and as much as i enjoy the ideas buddhism has about this world, i do not agree wholly. the fact that i don't, even though i find them (and this book) completely inspiring, reminds me that there is no point to absorbing someone's beliefs as your own, because they aren't. but to co-opt them, to adapt them, into your own ideas of the world, to pick and choose, this is the way i think; this is the way i find my meanings. i can't demand that it is for everyone, but i can see it being the way for me to deal with ideas and discovering the world. i'm glad i remembered this.

inseey weensy.

okay, so there is one inseey weensy little problem with me finding some motivation with my film projects, i can't turn it off!! which means i am here now, sitting at my desk, at work, and i am hyper and motivated and ready to do some work, but... not work work. *film* work. which of course has very limited outlets at my current position. i can storyboard, i can write, i can plan, but that is not the stuff that gets me excited. it's putting the project together, it's editing, cutting, finding that perfect music to cut to. prep work shmep work. that's the stuff that i have to force myself to do. and while at work these days, i have to force my self to do everything. so um, my energy? now even more wasted. yup, me = frustrated. but to stay optimistic, i can do those prep things. i can brainstorm. i can come up with ingenious things to film on my off hours. i just have to force myself to...

today, japan rocks.

the last month i spent with my family, which was great-don't get me wrong-but today, it was amazing. forwarded by last night's pub quiz events, today was so much incredible fun. filming for the first time in nearly three years, i really felt this inspiration that i used to get back in high school. i really felt that i could do this as my life's project, which i haven't not been able to find/feel in a long time. beyond this getting to spend time with the the friends that i have been missing the friends that i have here in hiroshima-ken, that i have been away from while acting as tour guide; i just had so much fun. after their generous assistance with my film project, we had an impromptu hanami (cherry blossom viewing/eating and getting drunk). basically i had a really fun day that jump started me out of my funk. getting drunk and having a fun carefree day, outdoors in the gorgeous weather, is what i goddamnfucking needed. my smile is back in my face.

(the details, for my own lacking in memory benefit: my weekend you ask... was AWESOME! to be honest, last week was one of my worst. i so wanted to go home, like really really badly. then i called home and talked to luke and some other friends while they were out drinking and dancing, then i really wanted to go home. and then... pub quiz night. i had so much fun! i really miss talking to people, friends, acquaintances, people i've met only once, just people. whoever. i had a greatly entertaining conversation with cybill. had a great quiz run with dave, nats and dob (all-be-it unsuccessful; me really only playing the role of motivator). dave crashed at my place. we watched some spaced and passed out around 2. i actually got up a little after nine, and headed to dob's to get my filming done. i had a totally successful day of filming with dob, shannon and later alexis. then, unable to ignore the gorgeous weather, we hanami-ed in the peace park (i guzzled three hai-chu's and half of dob second beer). we pikura'ed, coffeed, and headed home by 9. sunday i met alexis to gym it, then we shopped (bad liz, bad). i of course ended up buying things, a new uniqlo hoody (alexis and i are now twins), the vest that i've wanted forever along with the trendy shoes i've been eyeing. exhausted at 6, after our early dinner at newyork newyork, i was home to watch my buffy by 7. and monday i edited. i forgot how much i love doing that. it's going pretty well, too. still some bugs, but once i get all the footage in the computer i should be set.)

life, of the moment.

wake up. get dressed. eat. leave for work.
ride bike for 40 minutes.
sit at desk. understand the true meaning of mind numbing boredom.
leave work.
ride bike for 30 minutes.
eat dinner. watch something. sleep.
wake up. and start again.
repeat for two and a half months.

home again home again.

jiggidy-jog. after nearly a month of travel with my family it is good to be home. it is good to come into my empty, quite apartment and know that i am alone. to know that i have my own space back. that home is here, in furuichi, in japan, seems odd, but it is how i feel. to imagine that in five months i will be taking my last ride on the kabe line, that i will leave this home, is incredibly sad. to say good-bye to this place, to this life, seems impossible right now. ironic is what this is, as i scream for portland in my head, but today, here and now, furuichi, hiroshima, is my home.