star wars porn.

well... not actually porn. but it might as well be.

i picked them up again, the bantam star wars books. and i qualify that because the other ones don't count. i've read the series at least two other time all the way through (there are about 40 novels, each over 300 pgs), and most significantly i read them all one summer in middle school (or high school, i can't remember) and i read like one a day. i couldn't put them down.

and here i go again. i'm reading "the courtship of princess leia" right now, and i'm loving it more. i forgot how feminist it was, featuring two matriarchal societies. i am looking at the time now, knowing i should just go to sleep, but i know it won't happen. i will be off to gorge on another 50 pages or so before sleep overwhelms.

it can be a little distracting, but i am also so in love with life right now, and really being an artist-in film school and all-that 's it's jsut one more pleasure to make me grin.

but this weekend? yet another shoot that i'm stoked on, to be foreshadowed by a thursday shoot that i know will be awesome.

dr. horrible's fantastic sing-a-long.

i've watched it 2 and a 1/3 times now. it's amazing.

i could list a whole bunch of other words and go on and on about how in love with joss whedon i am, but we know (and if you don't, go find out http://www.drhorrible.com/ ) and really what i'm trying to say is i'm inspired. i'm already inspired by all the kids in my classes and what i'm getting to do on other's projects and just this jumping into film that i'm doing and i am so happy.

i want to make something just that awesome. that's the point of this moment in my typing. i'm going to. i know i can, but i really want to do it right now. but something that awesome takes lots of work and thought and rewrites and planning and teamowrk and i love it all, but i want it now. not later.

i'm gonna start. i'm gonna make it work. i'm gonna rock it. i'm gonna be amazing and i already see it, i just have to have patience.

and quit my job.

anger, sadness and hangovers.

what was it in japanese? second day drunk? which when i say that to english speakers they just think i'm saying i was still drunk the second day, not that i am what a person who got drunk is on on the second day.

yesterday was my second day, thursday was my drunk day. my boss, chef and friend got fired yesterday. even now i am so angry and hurt by it that i can feel my tears welling. now, i know he'll be fine. he'll get another job in a snap. but (this is selfish me right now) my world is changed. i don't get to see him anymore, the whole environment that i was just starting to not hate is gone. and so that you really understand the situation, we had our employee meeting on thursday. for 3 hours the owners were encouraging and nice to us (which never ever happens). patrick (our ex-chef) stood up after the meeting and said, "that was painless", 10 minutes later they fired him. no warning, some bullshit reason about management style. and he packs up his stuff and is gone.

what really happened is that a week ago patrick told the owner how we all felt about him: scared whenever he shows up, like he doesn't like us. apparently there was some yelling and now someone's fired. and now i'm quitting. i didn't put any notice in, i'm going to be slightly more reasonable than that. but my manager knows that i'm seeking other employment.

i quit my last job 'cause i couldn't sell corporate steak anymore, i'm quitting this one 'cause i can't make money for the bastards that own that place.

how does that lead to drunk you ask?

so thursday night, first thursday which means free booze for all!, i went out and got purposefully drunk. i made out with a friend of a friend, i had to be taken care of by my amazing underage pal jazz, hugged the porcelain bowl and i forgot half my night. and friday? friday i was still angry but with a horrible headache and no will to do my job.

distance is a feeling.

i came back from japan and now i feel the difference.



i felt it before but i guess i didn't want o acknowledge it. or i thought it was a "hey, i'm not in college anymore, that must be why i don't get drunk every weekend anymore". but no, i think i'm different. i think i changed. or at least my priorities? i looked at the photos on katie's camera and i felt lonely. i think it was just from last night, at last thursday, where i went and i encountered, but i didn't stay, i didn't party, i didn't even have one drink or one conversation with my supposed everyday friends. i had to run off to a film shoot. i don't really regret it at all, i'm happy i did it, which is why i know my priorities changed. film before bros. not bros before hoes, or more aptly put, chixs before dixs... or i guess film before chixs? or film before... friends?

but did it really change? in college i sat at home and did my own thing all the time, that is until my senior year when i broke up with tyler and began sowing wild oats.

i think i'm just lonely.

and loneliness brings me back to japan. where i was lonely. where i was separate and doing my own thing. and i came back to do film. my own thing. and i miss putting my friends first... i miss being a goof... i miss being on the call list to do things. but i never come and so i've been dropped off the "frequently attends, please call" list. or else i've dropped myself off it by just not doing it anymore.

but then back to the japan thing, i did miss out. my friends made new friends and started new things and even though it's been nearly a year since i've been back (omg depressing) i still don't fit in anymore. and 10 months isn't long enough to be happy with new life and new friends.

why was i stupid enough to think it would all be the same when i stepped back in my world? my world was gone the moment i stepped on that plane.

and what's even stupider? i just had an amazing friday night off work, where i geeked out with film nerds, saw an amazing film, and made a new pseudo friend, and a stunning bike ride got me home. but those damn photos... those friends, that life that i'm just on the edge of.

gosh blogging makes me mellow dramatic.