fashion tip #6.

wear a scarf. it will change your mood, add some color, and will make use of an untouched part of your wardrobe (assuming you're like me and buy pretty colored scarves and then never where them).

here's some tips: http://www.texeresilk.com/cms-scarf_tying_guide.html

pause.

my life is on pause.

this seems to happen every time i'm really involved in a project. although because this project is all mine, this pause has really taken over. i don't see friends, i don't go out, i don't see the sun, i live in air conditioning (or in my sweaty unaircon-ed apartment), and i certainly don't have a good time.

perhaps this is because of my obsessive nature. or maybe it's because i'm flat broke. or maybe it's just because this is what i have to do.

inception.

there's this thing that happens when i watch a really good movie. well, not really good, more like inspiring and fucking amazing. i cry.

not big fluffy sobbing tears, but my eyes are wet and i am letting go of an emotion.

i'm not sure if this is because when the credits finally start to roll my body relaxes, the tension is released, and i can now think about what i just saw-and what i just saw made me happy beyond describable. that's probably what it's really all about. my amazement at seeing something so perfectly composed, so well directed and constructed that in watching it, i have reached bliss. i am lost in this world and i am not thinking about my own, i am not aware of my own concerns or even my own happiness, i belong to the director, to the crew, to the actors, i am just a reflection of the reflection of light on the screen.

the movies that have made me feel this way are few, "the departed", "star wars", and i'm sure there are others-but they don't spring to mind and so are therefore not as significant. but i can now add "inception" and have a new bliss and creation to enjoy.

writing about abortion.

i took on what might call a difficult task. i choose to write about a subject that many people don't want to touch with a ten foot pole: abortion.

this does not make me a stronger person or anything like that, it just makes me more determined. and more passionate. or simply more ambitious.

the largest obstacle to this subject matter is the goal to get a certain message across without being preachy. of course anyone who knew what i was writing about gave me the look, "do you really know what you're getting into?". and the answer is still, "yes". but as it comes down to it, the actual biggest obstacle is that people are telling me that a woman can't make this decision without doubting herself. now i have never had an abortion. i can't say with 100% certainty how i would feel, what i would think, when i had to make this decision. however many of the women that i am surrounded by feel the same as me. they feel certain that the decision they would make would be to get an abortion, and that they would not regret it. keep in mind this is not all the women i know, but enough that i don't feel alone in my own conclusions.

now of course one could easily say that i am young and i don't know what the hell i'm talking about. but my response would probably be, i am a smart woman and i know myself. and of course one of the toughest things about this subject is that it is so personal, every person can feel very differently.

but i ask you, why is it so completely objectionable that a young woman be certain about her decision? why are the complainers suggesting, "i think she should doubt herself"? i'm sick of women doubting themselves. i don't care if it makes the character feel more "real". or more "dynamic". i am sick of the idea that this has to be such an emotional decision.

why can't it be, "i don't have time, cash, motivation or desire to have a child, so i'm not going to have one"? just because i had sex does not mean i should be a mother.

"do you have any of your work online?" nope.

people are always asking, "do you have any of your work online?" nope.

so i've considered starting a website for myself. it would be nice to be able to send people to a place where my contact information is, as well as samples of my work. a friend of mine just created one, and it's real classy.

but this got me thinking, i probably should have a photo of myself on my website. with facebook, and all the other online social networking, access to photos of who you are is more important.

but which photo?

my friend's is simple, and has nothing really to do with his area of expertise. i like it. but i was thinking of my own picture and how i would frame it, location, wardrobe, all the basics, and realized i could not have the same type of photo.

if i were to dress formally i would either have to look dyke-y in a jacket and button up shirt or girly in a nice dress (as these are my two modes of "dress up" and i would still want to be "me"). either way i would be giving a distinct gender message that has nothing to do with what i can offer as a filmmaker.

and this is what my point is:

as a woman i cannot just take a photo of myself. women are still judged on their appearance, with only two modes: whore or prude. in other words, women = sex. this re-realization makes me cringe, it makes me want to puke and cry at the same time. gross, i know.

one could argue i am taking this too far, but think about it. women's "formal wear" is traditionally a dress. a modern dress is going to be formfitting in some way, and therefore "sexy". the choice of pants makes a different statement, possibly that's "she's gay!" (which i am fine with, but i'm not gay so...) if the pants are too "manly", or if they are "modern" then they are probably formfitting and therefore "sexy".

a friend of mine told me about a class that she was required to take in the final term of her undergraduate degree. this class was about women in the professional world: interviews, work place etiquette, etc. one of the recommendations of this class was that for an interview wear a skirt, a long conservative skirt. the reasoning was that wearing pants was too revealing. wtf? WTF?! so basically if you can see the outline of my legs or--god forbid--my ass, i am saying "come and get it!" and trying to get a job with my womanly parts? *dasfhseethingangerssdfjk* ARRGH!

why does it always come back to women having to compromise in order to appease the menfolk? why the hell can't the men just control their sexual overdrive and stop looking at my ass? i'm sure i don't even have to mention the cultures built around men being unable to control their urges, and therefore choosing to confine, trap, beat, murder and systematically oppress fifty percent of their population.

when is this going to change?

back to the movies.

i wanted to see "whip it". they said it wasn't going to be very good. i said, "i don't care." they said it was going to be typical Hollywood fare. and i said, "whatevs". but in my heart i feared for my lovely Drew. i really wanted to love it, i really wanted to cheer and cry and say, "i wanna see it again!".

and then the movie started [SPOILERS below].

it was what was to be expected. girl doesn't fit in, girl sees awesome women that she wants to join, girl trains, girl is kick ass good, parents find out, and then it all works out in the end. but there are three reasons why this is more than that.

1. Ellen Page: there are moments in this film where she delivers a line and it is more than a delivery. she gives the response that is in your head, that you would say (or at least want to say) but it wouldn't actually come out. and despite the non-reality of it, it makes the fiction of this film, less fiction. this also could be that these are the moments that Ellen Page is not acting.

2. 2nd place: in the beginning of the film the team finally scores some points, after Bliss (Page) has joined the team. they don't win, but they're stoked cause they scored and did well. they triumphantly shout, "we're number two! we're number two!". this is cute b/c they're #2 of 2 and are just happy to be a team. in the end of the film we return to this same sentiment as it comes down to the wire and the "hurl scouts" do not win. but they make the best of it! they are happy and congratulate each other and cheer, "we're number two!" and we the audience are with them. this is quite the feat, and a powerful message--all be it one we've heard before--that we really believe in this circumstance.

3. the boy: and more important, but less important to the plot, there is the "boyfriend". he is cute and fun, and Bliss enjoys him, but he is not the driving force. when Bliss is fighting for her freedom, it is not for this guy, but for her love of derbying. when Bliss is confronted with evidence of his cheating she doesn't second guess it, not for a second. this may not be what most of us would do, but it is what we should do. we deserve better and that is what Drew is telling us.

"whip it" is good. it is a film that i would show my hypothetical daughter proudly. and this is something for Drew to be very proud of. the shear force of her intentions on this product ring clear, and that is amazing. it is funny, and sweet, and empowering and even beautiful. i'm reminded of the feeling of watching Zach Braf's "garden state" but am left with a sweet taste in my mouth.

my cat died.

and it sucks.

she was the most amazing sweet, gentle, fun kitty ever, and i love her and i feel like shit for not taking her with me to college and not getting to snuggle her every night that i didn't get to snuggle her.

i have never actually had to be in the room when a pet was euthanized, and i have not even had to say goodbye to a pet since i was in elementary school (tangent: when recently cleaning out my stuff from my parents' basement i found a journal that had one entry in it. it was from the day my dog died. i wrote about how much i cried and drew a picture of where we buried her).

she was so tiny.

she was always a fat cat. that's what we called her, "fat cat" or "pot belly". my called her a "sack of bones" in the end.

kitty started out as the runt. so small and silly. at nine i even took her into my class and did a report on her, looked down at her little face the whole time. that was my teacher's criticism. kitty always had to put up with me when i was a grabby little fourth grader who always wanted to be holding her, and a grabby little 25 year old who always wanted to be holding her. in the end i was the one holding her when we went to the vet. i was the last on to hold her, but i wasn't the one to hold her when she was in the box, all taped up. my mom had to do that.

right now i'm left with soggy red eyes and a desire for distraction and pizza. there's also the really depressing thought that now i know what my next tattoo should be, a copy of my favorite kitty photo.

there's also the fact that my mom had this film that she wanted me to make, starring kitty. my first film a made, that i did by myself at the nwfc, was starring kitty. this last year my mom kept saying, "we have to make it, kitty's not gonna be around much longer." i don't think i wanted to believe her. and now i want to make the film. i have some ideas of how to make it still staring kitty, but it'll be sad. she was the best actress i've ever worked with.