remembering.

kerouac's "the dharma bums" is making me think. it's reminding me why i hate religion. religion demands that you adopt someone else's ideas as your own, or at the very least, that you think about it and come to the same conclusions. if you don't come to the same conclusions, clearly that religion is not for you. and as much as i enjoy the ideas buddhism has about this world, i do not agree wholly. the fact that i don't, even though i find them (and this book) completely inspiring, reminds me that there is no point to absorbing someone's beliefs as your own, because they aren't. but to co-opt them, to adapt them, into your own ideas of the world, to pick and choose, this is the way i think; this is the way i find my meanings. i can't demand that it is for everyone, but i can see it being the way for me to deal with ideas and discovering the world. i'm glad i remembered this.

inseey weensy.

okay, so there is one inseey weensy little problem with me finding some motivation with my film projects, i can't turn it off!! which means i am here now, sitting at my desk, at work, and i am hyper and motivated and ready to do some work, but... not work work. *film* work. which of course has very limited outlets at my current position. i can storyboard, i can write, i can plan, but that is not the stuff that gets me excited. it's putting the project together, it's editing, cutting, finding that perfect music to cut to. prep work shmep work. that's the stuff that i have to force myself to do. and while at work these days, i have to force my self to do everything. so um, my energy? now even more wasted. yup, me = frustrated. but to stay optimistic, i can do those prep things. i can brainstorm. i can come up with ingenious things to film on my off hours. i just have to force myself to...

today, japan rocks.

the last month i spent with my family, which was great-don't get me wrong-but today, it was amazing. forwarded by last night's pub quiz events, today was so much incredible fun. filming for the first time in nearly three years, i really felt this inspiration that i used to get back in high school. i really felt that i could do this as my life's project, which i haven't not been able to find/feel in a long time. beyond this getting to spend time with the the friends that i have been missing the friends that i have here in hiroshima-ken, that i have been away from while acting as tour guide; i just had so much fun. after their generous assistance with my film project, we had an impromptu hanami (cherry blossom viewing/eating and getting drunk). basically i had a really fun day that jump started me out of my funk. getting drunk and having a fun carefree day, outdoors in the gorgeous weather, is what i goddamnfucking needed. my smile is back in my face.

(the details, for my own lacking in memory benefit: my weekend you ask... was AWESOME! to be honest, last week was one of my worst. i so wanted to go home, like really really badly. then i called home and talked to luke and some other friends while they were out drinking and dancing, then i really wanted to go home. and then... pub quiz night. i had so much fun! i really miss talking to people, friends, acquaintances, people i've met only once, just people. whoever. i had a greatly entertaining conversation with cybill. had a great quiz run with dave, nats and dob (all-be-it unsuccessful; me really only playing the role of motivator). dave crashed at my place. we watched some spaced and passed out around 2. i actually got up a little after nine, and headed to dob's to get my filming done. i had a totally successful day of filming with dob, shannon and later alexis. then, unable to ignore the gorgeous weather, we hanami-ed in the peace park (i guzzled three hai-chu's and half of dob second beer). we pikura'ed, coffeed, and headed home by 9. sunday i met alexis to gym it, then we shopped (bad liz, bad). i of course ended up buying things, a new uniqlo hoody (alexis and i are now twins), the vest that i've wanted forever along with the trendy shoes i've been eyeing. exhausted at 6, after our early dinner at newyork newyork, i was home to watch my buffy by 7. and monday i edited. i forgot how much i love doing that. it's going pretty well, too. still some bugs, but once i get all the footage in the computer i should be set.)

life, of the moment.

wake up. get dressed. eat. leave for work.
ride bike for 40 minutes.
sit at desk. understand the true meaning of mind numbing boredom.
leave work.
ride bike for 30 minutes.
eat dinner. watch something. sleep.
wake up. and start again.
repeat for two and a half months.

home again home again.

jiggidy-jog. after nearly a month of travel with my family it is good to be home. it is good to come into my empty, quite apartment and know that i am alone. to know that i have my own space back. that home is here, in furuichi, in japan, seems odd, but it is how i feel. to imagine that in five months i will be taking my last ride on the kabe line, that i will leave this home, is incredibly sad. to say good-bye to this place, to this life, seems impossible right now. ironic is what this is, as i scream for portland in my head, but today, here and now, furuichi, hiroshima, is my home.

and here it comes.

beginning in on my buffy kick once again (thanks again bethy, for season 4!), i am now killing time at work by reading angel. all five seasons are up online in transcript form, and as much as i would rather be watching these episodes, rather than reading them and trying to remember all the sets and cinematography, it truly is a great way to spend the day. but why am i writing this, you ask? well because it inspired me to remember that there is a buffy comic that i keep telling everyone about, a comic that i have known about for at least a year, and should be out by now. so i googled. and googled some more, and low and behold: buffy!! season eight!! the comic!! it's out in two days in the u.s. and i'm tingling already. this is made even more exciting by the cover of the third issue. as seen below, it is so hot i think i'm going to die. now of course, i probably won't get to read this comic till september, when i am back in the good old u.s. of a., but i am still so excited that i am having trouble not giggling hysterically with joy as i sit at my desk. so, if you are one of the few in japan reading this, and you see me walking down the street, grinning like a fool, you'll know why.

and here they come.

today i left my parents wallowing in bed, or rather on futons, back at my apartment. i made my usual trek up the hill, sweating like a pig at the top, and rolled into yasufuruichi grounds to find a long and wide line of students and parents. junior high students, to be exact. confused and antsy looks. my co-teachers watched over them proud and well dressed. and i glided by hoping not to run anyone down. this is one of those days i fell happy to be in japan. this mostly comes from getting to see the change in the guard. being here from august to august, i get to see the new year begin in april, and all the kids grow up. my favorite is seeing my first and second years of last year (now second and third years) walking by the incoming junior high students with a smirk on their face. i see them lounging on the courtyard table, cruising in ten minutes late, and joking and laughing with their friends. they feel the energy that comes with having someone lower than you to pick on, or help. they feel the power of moving up in the world. it just makes me grin and remember my high school days, but mostly grin at my kids as they walk tall.