random fashion tip #2

i date depressed boys because my father is depressed. what a depressing fate.
back on subject,

fashion tip #2: DO NOT be afraid of bright colors. they make people happy.

liz's random fashion tip #1.

portland is hot.

no one can sleep, including me. i got in a huge tiff with my partner last night, only made worse by this heat. and despite all the exciting film related opportunities in my life, i feel quite negative. so i'm going to distract myself and you!

i am a fashion queen. or at least all the fawning i get when i walk into a room leads me to this conclusion. and being the amazing inspiration that i am, i feel that keeping all my knowledge to myself is selfish. and because i am not selfish, i shall share some of my fashionista secrets with you, one at a time.



#1: when you find a dress with pockets, buy it. do not question how cute it looks, what color it is, or any of those silly considerations. you'll make it work and you'll thank me later.

akward.

i feel like there's something crawling underneath my skin. i see ten different things in front of me, each one out of reach, and each one the wrong and right choice.

i left town. i was stressed, too busy, had too many commitments, and i left town. three weeks. gone. absent, not in contact, except to a few. nothings changed. my skin is still crawling and i still don't know where to turn. i want to run. i guess that's what i did, but i want to run again, more pertinently and further. the other side of the world, gone. disappeared. i wondering if i will always be haunted by the freedom i felt in japan?

that's what it was: freedom. from commitments, from talking to people, from making decisions. it's the cheaters way out. the cop-out. it's not something i believe in.

face your problems, demons, what have you; do not run. i am not lola.

it's probably the 3 hours of sleep last night, the jittery starbucks this morning, i'll be fine tomorrow, after i sleep.

blum.

random words that mean nothing but are funny noises are sometimes the best way to really describe how you're feeling. best friends sometimes have all the answers and sometimes they are all the problems.

i am one busy kitten right now. for the hundredth time in my life i have over committed myself. and i am still wallowing in the winter doldrums of t.v. addiction, chocoholism and basic procrastination. the question that faces me now is do i need a change or do i not need a change.

getting comfortable in life is amazing. you can sit there and and stupidly smile knowing everything is alright and that you don't need to worry. of course this also leads to unmotivation and a lack of follow through (kinda the same thing but... still). have i gotten so complacent that i am not making the leaps and bounds that i need to be making right now? i am 25. a quarter century. i'm not quite where i imagined myself, but i'm not far off. i think i'm supposed to be on the edge of some grand scheme to really be headed in the right direction--at least according to my 15 year old self. fuck. that's 10 years ago. i just realized that. 10 years from now... where do i want to be? now that is a cliche question, but it is one that i used to ask myself over and over. but then i changed. i changed for those around me, i changed to fit in, i changed to be normal. now i'm so normal i'm cool and i'm the kid in class who distracts you from what the teacher is saying. that is NOT the person that i want to be and 2 years ago i resolved (as a kind of infinite new years resolution) to be the person that i want to be, not the person that i am today. i think the person that i want to be wants some change. they want to have those people in their life that are important and cool and unique, but they also want to move forward and remember that everyone else can't come first.

i'm still terrified. but that's not the person that i want to be so i guess i can't be anymore.

reading "the autographman" has brought me back into that mode of inspiration and creativity. everyone talks about going and living away from it all, at the beach or on an island, but away. to be there and create to be free from distractions and change the world through the thoughts had out in the middle of no where. of course, as we saw in "into the wild" you can take that concept to far.

OBAMA DAY!!!

and it all comes to a rushing end.

i thought my grin could not be wiped off my face to day. i must have wished like 50 people a 'happy obama day' today. i still had 'we are the champions' ringing in my ears from the previous night. the memory of the crazy glee at 37th and hawthorn. we have a fucking black president. we have a democrat administration. we have a democrat government! it amazing and beautiful and then there's the big ol' but...

i had a shit day in class tonight. my teacher actually walked out. but not before insulting me personally. and i know that he did this in the first place because he felt insulted by the class, but shit that was crashing. i haven't felt this worthless in a long time. at least i had my mother reminding me that i am good at whatever i set my mind to, and that i am capable of succeeding. but shit. i feel like an ass and just so disappointed that this day is ending this way.

but (and there it is again) i'm not going to let it. this is one of the best days of my life and i spent it smiling, canvassing for HRC, talking to some fab people and feeling proud to be an american.

i thought i had it.

and now i've lost it. not completely. not really. but still... i skim the edges of it when i start something new, when my fingers glide of the the jumble of bumps, spikes, smoothness of inspiration. then i see where i used to be: riding high on tangible reality of my talent, of my ability. not now though. now i feel like an idiot. like an ant in the horde of ants, indistinguishable. nearly useless and certainly nothing special. i question everything in my late night dismal decline. sleep beckons, and quitting does, too. i'm getting good at that. quitting. giving up. i have no patience, i have no will power to push through the uncomfortable, i think i'm better than it, i think i deserve more, but do i? am i really greater than those i leave behind? the only thing that separates us is my ability to quit. my ability to say 'fuck you. fuck this.' and that deserves no admiration, despite those that give it to me as i walk out the door. is this the rest of my life? my frustration, my arrogance ruling my life? or will i learn to give in, will i break to others' will and 'fit in' and thereby be happy. is that it? or do i cling to the foolhardy who say, 'yes!' and push through these late night declines. maybe this? sleep beckons.

making love.

i just finished watching "the diving bell and butterfly" and all i went to do is make love to a beautiful woman.

it had been sitting on my desk for nearly a month and i just hadn't gotten around to it, but i sat down and settled in. and let me say it was beautiful. a movie worthy of the big screen. the feelings of being trapped, the sympathy, the understanding, the desire, the little subtleties, everything. it was stunning.

it reminded me of being in paris and hearing french all around me, and the wonderful architecture of paris, and the art and the pompousness and clothes, and snootiness. and beauty.

the colors, the in and out of focus, the structure, the actors. beautiful. that's it. that's the word. and from there is the desire to make love, to revel in someone else's flesh. to kiss, to nuzzle, to enjoy. to touch. the sense of desire from the main character was not obsessed over, or spelled out, but it was there, palatable, and felt through the screen. and to take from that the urge to live life, to be alive, i cannot escape. yet even as i say this i know, although i have the real desire again, i am not ready. i'm still figuring things out, i'm still (to some extent) purposefully busy, and i still am enjoying my solitude and through that the time to consider, think and grow.