"do you have any of your work online?" nope.

people are always asking, "do you have any of your work online?" nope.

so i've considered starting a website for myself. it would be nice to be able to send people to a place where my contact information is, as well as samples of my work. a friend of mine just created one, and it's real classy.

but this got me thinking, i probably should have a photo of myself on my website. with facebook, and all the other online social networking, access to photos of who you are is more important.

but which photo?

my friend's is simple, and has nothing really to do with his area of expertise. i like it. but i was thinking of my own picture and how i would frame it, location, wardrobe, all the basics, and realized i could not have the same type of photo.

if i were to dress formally i would either have to look dyke-y in a jacket and button up shirt or girly in a nice dress (as these are my two modes of "dress up" and i would still want to be "me"). either way i would be giving a distinct gender message that has nothing to do with what i can offer as a filmmaker.

and this is what my point is:

as a woman i cannot just take a photo of myself. women are still judged on their appearance, with only two modes: whore or prude. in other words, women = sex. this re-realization makes me cringe, it makes me want to puke and cry at the same time. gross, i know.

one could argue i am taking this too far, but think about it. women's "formal wear" is traditionally a dress. a modern dress is going to be formfitting in some way, and therefore "sexy". the choice of pants makes a different statement, possibly that's "she's gay!" (which i am fine with, but i'm not gay so...) if the pants are too "manly", or if they are "modern" then they are probably formfitting and therefore "sexy".

a friend of mine told me about a class that she was required to take in the final term of her undergraduate degree. this class was about women in the professional world: interviews, work place etiquette, etc. one of the recommendations of this class was that for an interview wear a skirt, a long conservative skirt. the reasoning was that wearing pants was too revealing. wtf? WTF?! so basically if you can see the outline of my legs or--god forbid--my ass, i am saying "come and get it!" and trying to get a job with my womanly parts? *dasfhseethingangerssdfjk* ARRGH!

why does it always come back to women having to compromise in order to appease the menfolk? why the hell can't the men just control their sexual overdrive and stop looking at my ass? i'm sure i don't even have to mention the cultures built around men being unable to control their urges, and therefore choosing to confine, trap, beat, murder and systematically oppress fifty percent of their population.

when is this going to change?

back to the movies.

i wanted to see "whip it". they said it wasn't going to be very good. i said, "i don't care." they said it was going to be typical Hollywood fare. and i said, "whatevs". but in my heart i feared for my lovely Drew. i really wanted to love it, i really wanted to cheer and cry and say, "i wanna see it again!".

and then the movie started [SPOILERS below].

it was what was to be expected. girl doesn't fit in, girl sees awesome women that she wants to join, girl trains, girl is kick ass good, parents find out, and then it all works out in the end. but there are three reasons why this is more than that.

1. Ellen Page: there are moments in this film where she delivers a line and it is more than a delivery. she gives the response that is in your head, that you would say (or at least want to say) but it wouldn't actually come out. and despite the non-reality of it, it makes the fiction of this film, less fiction. this also could be that these are the moments that Ellen Page is not acting.

2. 2nd place: in the beginning of the film the team finally scores some points, after Bliss (Page) has joined the team. they don't win, but they're stoked cause they scored and did well. they triumphantly shout, "we're number two! we're number two!". this is cute b/c they're #2 of 2 and are just happy to be a team. in the end of the film we return to this same sentiment as it comes down to the wire and the "hurl scouts" do not win. but they make the best of it! they are happy and congratulate each other and cheer, "we're number two!" and we the audience are with them. this is quite the feat, and a powerful message--all be it one we've heard before--that we really believe in this circumstance.

3. the boy: and more important, but less important to the plot, there is the "boyfriend". he is cute and fun, and Bliss enjoys him, but he is not the driving force. when Bliss is fighting for her freedom, it is not for this guy, but for her love of derbying. when Bliss is confronted with evidence of his cheating she doesn't second guess it, not for a second. this may not be what most of us would do, but it is what we should do. we deserve better and that is what Drew is telling us.

"whip it" is good. it is a film that i would show my hypothetical daughter proudly. and this is something for Drew to be very proud of. the shear force of her intentions on this product ring clear, and that is amazing. it is funny, and sweet, and empowering and even beautiful. i'm reminded of the feeling of watching Zach Braf's "garden state" but am left with a sweet taste in my mouth.

my cat died.

and it sucks.

she was the most amazing sweet, gentle, fun kitty ever, and i love her and i feel like shit for not taking her with me to college and not getting to snuggle her every night that i didn't get to snuggle her.

i have never actually had to be in the room when a pet was euthanized, and i have not even had to say goodbye to a pet since i was in elementary school (tangent: when recently cleaning out my stuff from my parents' basement i found a journal that had one entry in it. it was from the day my dog died. i wrote about how much i cried and drew a picture of where we buried her).

she was so tiny.

she was always a fat cat. that's what we called her, "fat cat" or "pot belly". my called her a "sack of bones" in the end.

kitty started out as the runt. so small and silly. at nine i even took her into my class and did a report on her, looked down at her little face the whole time. that was my teacher's criticism. kitty always had to put up with me when i was a grabby little fourth grader who always wanted to be holding her, and a grabby little 25 year old who always wanted to be holding her. in the end i was the one holding her when we went to the vet. i was the last on to hold her, but i wasn't the one to hold her when she was in the box, all taped up. my mom had to do that.

right now i'm left with soggy red eyes and a desire for distraction and pizza. there's also the really depressing thought that now i know what my next tattoo should be, a copy of my favorite kitty photo.

there's also the fact that my mom had this film that she wanted me to make, starring kitty. my first film a made, that i did by myself at the nwfc, was starring kitty. this last year my mom kept saying, "we have to make it, kitty's not gonna be around much longer." i don't think i wanted to believe her. and now i want to make the film. i have some ideas of how to make it still staring kitty, but it'll be sad. she was the best actress i've ever worked with.

random fashion tip #5.

remember in middle school when you went school shopping and you got to pick out your new clothes for the whole school year? you got to decide would you dress grungy? preppy? hippie? and remember how going through rack after rack of the jc penny's junior section you felt like a cat with a fresh batch of cat nip? you never got to go there any other time, and this trip was totally on mom's dime. and everything felt so exciting, with all those new fashion options. and you had no inclination to dress sexy, but just to find something cool.

why can't shopping be like that anymore?

fashion tip #5: go shopping with your mom (or best friend) and pretend like it's middle school all over again and you've got the chance to pick out that first day of school outfit. (you may need to save up for this if you're anything like me, b/c i betcha mom or your best friend is not going to foot the bill).

random fashion tip #4.

#4: clothes that are too small? no. the jeans that you'll loose weight to fit in to? passé. buy clothes that fit and that are comfortable. this just happens to lead into that whole being comfortable in your own skin, because everyone is beautiful and sexy and sappy sappy sappy sap.

(just because i called it sappy doesn't make it any less true).

another step forward for men, and 3 back for women... ugh.

lately i've been obsessively reading jezebel.com

i have a lot of pseudo free time at work and with that time i decided to get informed. to me that meant a little real news & a little entertainment, and no corporate bull shit. hello, jezebel! also this means i get a healthy dose of feminism (making me even more of an aggressive, don't mess with me, kinda gal).

today i read this article: and it was just another example of when men get there first.

the article focuses on the fact that gay men don't need "fag hags" any more because it has become socially acceptable to be a gay man. in the past "fag hags" were the beard for gay men. they could go to a wedding and pretend to be straight with their giggling "girlfriend", introduce their lady friend to their mother, or have a photo on their desk at work.

however, this has changed. now you can be gay and have straight male friends, you can even come out pre puberty and you don't even have to be flamboyant. this is fantastic. really. not sarcastically--i am very happy for every step towards equality. of course none of these new stereotypes are across the board, i'm sure, there is still manystaps to take, but for some men they are true and therefore the "fag hag" is a passe accessory for gay men.

in the other half of this arrangement, women still want and need their gay male accomplice. this article explains that it may not necessarily be the fat, dorky, outsider women who want this sex-free male friend, but they are still desired by the paris hilton fashionistas--who need validation from a male face, but have no idea what being gay, or an outsider, is all about. in other words, women are still shallow, they NEED validation, and they can only get it from men--female opinions just won't do.

what this all boils down to is that in this country, yet again, women don't get theirs. men can be gay, a black man can be president, but women can't be women--even the straight and white variety. women are still insecure, still have to dress a certain way to be a serious politician (or a serious anybody), and still have to look to others to know when they are right. when will this change, you ask? women had to wait 50 years after non-white men got to vote (officially--although of course their were still reading tests and plenty of other discrimination that delayed voting rights), and racism is still prevalent even after we have a black man in the white house.

i believe the answer is, maybe by the end of my lifetime. maybe.


p.s. i've always hated the term "fag hag" so if that disappears? i'm not gonna tear up.

random fashion tip #3.

#3: when you can feel the wind in the hair on your legs, it's time to shave. but there is no obligation, rebel against the hairless and enjoy being a dainty sasquatch.