Saturday, August 18, 2007
so far.
our travels have been interesting, exciting, boring, unbelievable, frustrating, and fun. ups and downs filled much of japan for me and this trip is not differnt, i won't go into detail (as i'm paying 1 baht/min) however it has been a trip. my biggest challenge is living day by day. i've been most successful, but if i get lost in thought and think 24 days ahead then there is still way too much travel left. those JETs that are traveling for four months post-JET must be in a very differnt mental place than me. portland calls to me, but it also freaks me out. thinking about money, and descisions is keeping me awake at night and not letting me relax (at moments). being home again will be amazing, excpet for the respinsibility and reality. we'll see how i handle it.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
within just a few hours.
a lot has happened. elena and i are on our way to bangkok today, we were supposed to catch a train to chang mai tonight. however, things change. we forgot to double check the time, we didn't get on the right train, we didn't stay right next to the airport, we didn't leave early enough, ect. ect. ect., and we missed our flight. i of course was freaking out, incredibly cranky, and only thinking in 'end of the world' kind of terms. after two trains and a 3000yen taxi we made it to narita. some speed walking and then pacing, as the cathay pacific airlines attendent spoke on the phone for what seemed like forever, and then a *sigh*... we got a flight for 5pm to hong kong and then trasfer at 8:22 to bangkok. we won't arrive till 10 or 11 tonight, but we'll be there with enough time to train it to chang mai on the 9th. i am so easily stressed, and deal with stress so badly, i am suprised i put myself in these situations so often. throughout the past week or so i have not been able to relax as i've packed, and prepared to move to another country. until i had handed off the last two bags to dob, to stash till i'm back in hiroshima, i was not really able to breath. knowing that we were missing the flight while sitting on the train, and then in the taxi--for a good hour of travel--i was tensing up again and letting every emotion overtake me. despite all of this discomfort, i know that if i do not indure it, if i just stay in a safe place of comfort, i would never do the things i want to do or be the person i want to be. i guess that's my challenge to myself, to deal with this stress, this stress that i suck at dealing with, and see the world, have adventures and be the person that i want to be.
now if i only i could really conquor these feelings of dicomfort to the point of not having them... but then again i wouldn't be challenging myself if i wasn't my stressed out me.
now if i only i could really conquor these feelings of dicomfort to the point of not having them... but then again i wouldn't be challenging myself if i wasn't my stressed out me.
leaving. temporarily.
it's only for 2 and a 1/2 weeks. not that long. i'll be back in japan soon enough; however, this is me leaving for real. i am giving up my visa, my gaijin card; i will return under a 90 day tourist visa, i will no longer be a resident. i don't like this. i enjoy my status as an expat, off living in the freedom of being seperate. passing by hiroshima out my shinkansen window my tears welled. i don't want to leave my current home, and my true home is temporarily frightening. japan is my home. this is of course crazy because returning to pdx and all those that i love is where my heart is pulled. it's where i belong. however giving up my foreign home is a price to pay that does not seem worth it right now.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
a cleaning binge and a cockroach capture.
yesterday was a good day. i felt the love of my kids, and felt like they actually were taking notice. i taught my very last class, which happened to have some of the best kids. it was a second year class, so i hadn't seen them in a while; probably not since last february. we all had fun trying to understand my silly essay and answering the silly questions. or at least i had fun.... then they had the right reaction when i told them this was my last class. i was happily teaching with nakamura sensei, and we giggled and laughed after class as she tried to hold her tongue about the new harry potter book.
i then had to sit and wait for the closing ceremony to begin. four hours later, i then had to sit and continue to get more nervous as i waited for my turn to speak. i would like to think that if i was speaking entirely in english i really wouldn't have been nervous, but i wanted the kids to really understand what i was saying. i wanted there to be no mistake about how much i would miss them; so i spoke half of it in japanese.
"Good Afternoon.
My year at Yasufuruichi High School has been fun and exciting. I have enjoyed spending time with all of you.
みなさん の 英語 が じょうっつすろ のを みたり みなさん が えいご を 使ってゲーム を たのしん でいる のを みる のが うれしかったです。
You are all very smart, and fun to teach. I have enjoyed being in all your classes.
おせわ に なった 先生方 にも かんしゃ の きもち で いっぱいです。 ほんとう に ありがとうございました。
Thank you for of the memories from Sports Day, たいいくさい, and the School Festival, ぶんかさい, and everyday classes.
みなさん と おわかれする のは とても さみしいですが みなさん の こと は わすれません。
I will miss all of you very much.
Thank you for a wonderful year at Yasufuruichi High School."
my favorite moment was that after saying "good afternoon" i paused just long enough to get half the students to say it back to me. this was quickly followed by a collective, visible "d'oh". also, after barely making in through the speech with out welling up, the students all applauded, unprompted, for the first time during the ceremony. i was touched.
it felt really good to feel the students' appreciation in that moment. i then continued my 'up' day with going home to coffee and salad for dinner, the coffee giving me the energy to get my apartment nearly clean. and while eating i watch 'the number 23', a new jim carrey movie recommended by luke. he had said something about it being about obsession and numerology and and deeper meaning with religion. after watching it i'd say it does make a comment towards religion as a choice. you can choose to let it rule your life, to become an obsession, or you can put it aside and make your own choices; but after a lifetime of obsession, having the will power to put aside your guiding light is incredible.
the film was also interesting because i had never thought i'd ever think of jim carrey as a sex symbol, but he was undeniably sexy in this film. plus, at the peak moment of tension in the film, a giant cockroach decided to scurry into view in my apartment. equally freaked by this new little friend, and the film, i was on an adrenalin high that got me through a cleaning binge and a cockroach capture.
a lot happened for me yesterday. cheers.
i then had to sit and wait for the closing ceremony to begin. four hours later, i then had to sit and continue to get more nervous as i waited for my turn to speak. i would like to think that if i was speaking entirely in english i really wouldn't have been nervous, but i wanted the kids to really understand what i was saying. i wanted there to be no mistake about how much i would miss them; so i spoke half of it in japanese.
"Good Afternoon.
My year at Yasufuruichi High School has been fun and exciting. I have enjoyed spending time with all of you.
みなさん の 英語 が じょうっつすろ のを みたり みなさん が えいご を 使ってゲーム を たのしん でいる のを みる のが うれしかったです。
You are all very smart, and fun to teach. I have enjoyed being in all your classes.
おせわ に なった 先生方 にも かんしゃ の きもち で いっぱいです。 ほんとう に ありがとうございました。
Thank you for of the memories from Sports Day, たいいくさい, and the School Festival, ぶんかさい, and everyday classes.
みなさん と おわかれする のは とても さみしいですが みなさん の こと は わすれません。
I will miss all of you very much.
Thank you for a wonderful year at Yasufuruichi High School."
my favorite moment was that after saying "good afternoon" i paused just long enough to get half the students to say it back to me. this was quickly followed by a collective, visible "d'oh". also, after barely making in through the speech with out welling up, the students all applauded, unprompted, for the first time during the ceremony. i was touched.
it felt really good to feel the students' appreciation in that moment. i then continued my 'up' day with going home to coffee and salad for dinner, the coffee giving me the energy to get my apartment nearly clean. and while eating i watch 'the number 23', a new jim carrey movie recommended by luke. he had said something about it being about obsession and numerology and and deeper meaning with religion. after watching it i'd say it does make a comment towards religion as a choice. you can choose to let it rule your life, to become an obsession, or you can put it aside and make your own choices; but after a lifetime of obsession, having the will power to put aside your guiding light is incredible.
the film was also interesting because i had never thought i'd ever think of jim carrey as a sex symbol, but he was undeniably sexy in this film. plus, at the peak moment of tension in the film, a giant cockroach decided to scurry into view in my apartment. equally freaked by this new little friend, and the film, i was on an adrenalin high that got me through a cleaning binge and a cockroach capture.
a lot happened for me yesterday. cheers.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
and they are doing so willingly.
i am currently reading 'white teeth', by zadie smith. this is the second book i've read by this author and i am enjoying it. smith writes excellent descriptions and complex stories that are difficult to predict. i'm writing about this now as one of the characters has reminded me a difference between men and women that i would like to comment on.
love is found in different places. this is of course not wholly consistent, and there are always exceptions, but it seems to me that women hold onto the men and boys of their past, boys who are their friends, with a light and ideal that may be false. these feelings often translate into crushes or love. women seek relationships with those who they are most comfortable with, who they have fond memories of, who they have created a mythology around. young and old men often seek relationships with those they find to be new, that are different or exciting. of course, in the end, many men do seek comfort with their choice of partners, but this nearly always feels like settling. our society, many societies, tell men to go after that sexy woman who will entice them and be a symbol of their power. women are taught to find someone who will care for them. realistically this is not always how it works, but these are the messages and ideals we are given.
in japan there is currently a difficultly for women: the new ideal. after years of aspiring towards big careers and big success, now they crave to become housewives. just saying this makes me want to puke. when america, and the other allies, wrote the japanese constitution the equal opportunities act was included. this prescribed that women could not be discriminated against in the workforce, not in wage scale or job position. this is something that still has not made it's way to america, despite some believing that it has, and did effect they way japanese women thought about themselves. post-WWII women were part of the goal for a boom in japan's economy. they aspired to be ball-crushing career women, along side their male counter parts. however this has changed. in recent years women now crave to be married. with this desire they give each other incredibly rude names if not married by 30; they have given up their power, their control of their lives.
looking at japan, as a whole, this is not surprising. although women have the power and the legal ability to be equals, society does not support this. women are not equals out of the work place, they are still expected to clean house, care for the children and be the perfect wife/'woman' (basically interchangeable). this even extends to the point where boyfriends will give keys to their girlfriends, not for convenience or intimacy, but so that the girlfriends can clean their apartments when they are out of town. women in japan are expected to be incredibly feminine, quaffed hair and perfect make-up match the ever present cute little heals. this physical ideal matches well with a 50s housewife life style, and is hard to maintain when you have to work 80 hour weeks and go to late night enkai's (work parties), passing by with all the men in total workload when you include the extra 'female responsibilities'. to give all this up, to stop working and make bento's for the kids, seems like a much easier life. and i guess it is an easier life, but it also a much more depressing life. women are relearning how to live through their husbands, to see coach and gucci bags as the ideal and how to dote over their children with all of their being. women are becoming servants, accessories to their husbands' lives, and they are doing so willingly.
however disgusting this is to me, i also know that it does fit in with japanese society. everyone is taught to desire to fit in, from day one. american individualism is a foreign concept, despite america pop-culture being such an important part of japanese life. being a cog is a perfect way to spend your life here, so for a woman to push (as she must) to stand out and rise in the ranks, to be part of the team, does not mesh. to step back, to leave the workforce and just fulfill the duties of a homebody fits. these women are finding the easiest way to be a cog, to fit.
everyday i see this around me in japan. it is hard to face and has given me motivation to embrace my own culture--my mohawk haircut and tattoos being my outward expression. these roles in japan, of housewife and career-go-getter, do not fit with how men and women are taught to seek their partners. the sweet doting women of japan are broken: either by not finding a husband who will actually care for them, or even want them; or by marrying only to have their husband go off to the local snack bar to find that something new and unattainable, as the wives plop into what it is to be a housewife. and this is not all the men's fault because japan also tells women to go for the gold. for some, i imagine, it is the comfortable that they desire, this is probably important for almost all, but more importantly is the look. just as for men's desires to be fulfilled, the look is very important for a woman's man. japan is about appearances. the coach bag, the quaffed boyfriend, they go hand in hand; and finding the quaffed boyfriend who wants a eventual frumpy housewife is hard. nothing lines up and i sit on the edges shaking with the desire to do SOMETHING to fix it. however i do not know all the facts. i do not know the solutions.
japan is on the cusp. i believe that japan will either work itself out, finding a way for women to be both career women and housewives, by their own choosing, and men having the choice to fit the mold or jump from it (maybe even being househusbands); or it will collapse in on itself and the current population crisis will take hold and japan will cease to exist, except as a tale we tell our children as we watch miyazaki's anime.
love is found in different places. this is of course not wholly consistent, and there are always exceptions, but it seems to me that women hold onto the men and boys of their past, boys who are their friends, with a light and ideal that may be false. these feelings often translate into crushes or love. women seek relationships with those who they are most comfortable with, who they have fond memories of, who they have created a mythology around. young and old men often seek relationships with those they find to be new, that are different or exciting. of course, in the end, many men do seek comfort with their choice of partners, but this nearly always feels like settling. our society, many societies, tell men to go after that sexy woman who will entice them and be a symbol of their power. women are taught to find someone who will care for them. realistically this is not always how it works, but these are the messages and ideals we are given.
in japan there is currently a difficultly for women: the new ideal. after years of aspiring towards big careers and big success, now they crave to become housewives. just saying this makes me want to puke. when america, and the other allies, wrote the japanese constitution the equal opportunities act was included. this prescribed that women could not be discriminated against in the workforce, not in wage scale or job position. this is something that still has not made it's way to america, despite some believing that it has, and did effect they way japanese women thought about themselves. post-WWII women were part of the goal for a boom in japan's economy. they aspired to be ball-crushing career women, along side their male counter parts. however this has changed. in recent years women now crave to be married. with this desire they give each other incredibly rude names if not married by 30; they have given up their power, their control of their lives.
looking at japan, as a whole, this is not surprising. although women have the power and the legal ability to be equals, society does not support this. women are not equals out of the work place, they are still expected to clean house, care for the children and be the perfect wife/'woman' (basically interchangeable). this even extends to the point where boyfriends will give keys to their girlfriends, not for convenience or intimacy, but so that the girlfriends can clean their apartments when they are out of town. women in japan are expected to be incredibly feminine, quaffed hair and perfect make-up match the ever present cute little heals. this physical ideal matches well with a 50s housewife life style, and is hard to maintain when you have to work 80 hour weeks and go to late night enkai's (work parties), passing by with all the men in total workload when you include the extra 'female responsibilities'. to give all this up, to stop working and make bento's for the kids, seems like a much easier life. and i guess it is an easier life, but it also a much more depressing life. women are relearning how to live through their husbands, to see coach and gucci bags as the ideal and how to dote over their children with all of their being. women are becoming servants, accessories to their husbands' lives, and they are doing so willingly.
however disgusting this is to me, i also know that it does fit in with japanese society. everyone is taught to desire to fit in, from day one. american individualism is a foreign concept, despite america pop-culture being such an important part of japanese life. being a cog is a perfect way to spend your life here, so for a woman to push (as she must) to stand out and rise in the ranks, to be part of the team, does not mesh. to step back, to leave the workforce and just fulfill the duties of a homebody fits. these women are finding the easiest way to be a cog, to fit.
everyday i see this around me in japan. it is hard to face and has given me motivation to embrace my own culture--my mohawk haircut and tattoos being my outward expression. these roles in japan, of housewife and career-go-getter, do not fit with how men and women are taught to seek their partners. the sweet doting women of japan are broken: either by not finding a husband who will actually care for them, or even want them; or by marrying only to have their husband go off to the local snack bar to find that something new and unattainable, as the wives plop into what it is to be a housewife. and this is not all the men's fault because japan also tells women to go for the gold. for some, i imagine, it is the comfortable that they desire, this is probably important for almost all, but more importantly is the look. just as for men's desires to be fulfilled, the look is very important for a woman's man. japan is about appearances. the coach bag, the quaffed boyfriend, they go hand in hand; and finding the quaffed boyfriend who wants a eventual frumpy housewife is hard. nothing lines up and i sit on the edges shaking with the desire to do SOMETHING to fix it. however i do not know all the facts. i do not know the solutions.
japan is on the cusp. i believe that japan will either work itself out, finding a way for women to be both career women and housewives, by their own choosing, and men having the choice to fit the mold or jump from it (maybe even being househusbands); or it will collapse in on itself and the current population crisis will take hold and japan will cease to exist, except as a tale we tell our children as we watch miyazaki's anime.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
it has started.
i'm lost in my tool, on the bus back from kannabe, for the last time. my first impossible goodbye, leaving kate, who has been my confident, advisor, support, laughter and dearest friend this year. i can't even really think about it, but as i brush the surface i think of the first bus ride i took to visit a friend, way back before i had even started college, when she had just, to visit beth. to go and see her world, in walla walla, for just a few days...damnshit, that was so awesome. going to classes, parties, meeting friends, i wish i'd made a second trip--although i'm sure it was for the best. but why i go there, to that fond memory of days gone by now is that then i was saved by my cd player and lateralus as i did the 14hrs via greyhound, and here again i sit with my tool, signs and scenery being passed by. and being back here, in the present, i remember my first return from kannabe. i had my laptop, as i had used kate's internet in leu of my "taking for-fucking-ever to get" internet. i blogged as the bus driver drove, much like now. and i listened to new music with my giant ipod (the laptop). on that september weekend, we had had hot cakes and watched GG (gilmore girls), much like today. to know that this was the last, that kate will be gone in a week and a half... i don't know. an era is over and it hurts. this year has been frivolous and hard. confusing and a blast. as i sit in the middle of goodbyes, the last of them still over a month away, i've settled in my denial. although i won't deny the stifled tears from moments ago as i realized that my friendship with kate is over as it was.
sunday through thursday.
let's be honest. it was not the trip i wanted. i had images of sihanoukville, beaches, relaxation, chatting with the girls and snorkeling floating through my head. this is not what i got. our flight was canceled. we were supposed to be flying to okinawa. to naha. there was a typhoon, however on sunday morning it was beautiful. alexis, nats, kate and i smiled and grinned at the clear sky despite the 6am bus to the airport. then 'CANCELED'. what the fuck? -the first, but not the last of the question.
we took the only reasonable option and took the bus to hiroshima to the shinkansen to fukuoka to the wendy's. frosties and fries eaten, we took the subway to the airport to naha, arriving six hours late.
my mood was therefore not good, never recovering from the 'CANCELED'; i did not have the strength nor conviction to improve my own mood. thereby, for the hour it took for us to find the guest house, the following day of going to the aquarium that i really did not desire to see, and that proceeded to make me sad, the pizza restaurant that closed at 7, finding the best hippie store when i had no money (still spending 6000yen, making me really broke for the rest of the trip), it dropping rain on us the moment we opened our ice creams, the one day at the beach being a joke, and the last day being spent at an outlet mall when i had NO money, seemed all to be a cruel conspiracy.
there were good things, like A&W, the duty free shop food colosseum, our little tea&coffee station breakfast spot, seeing 'zodiac' in theaters with cute jake gyllenhaal, the hippiness of our guest house and other hippie encounters, but i think i was pulling an alex (my brother). whenever we left him, or he left us (my immediate family) after a visit--since he's been away at college--he'd get really pissy. this does not happen any more, really, i guess, but was it annoying it seemed that for no reason we would all be on his bad side, and no one would want to talk to him or comment on this new crappy mood. i'm sure it had to do with not wanting to deal with saying goodbye, and as i was there in okinawa, nearing the big goodbye to these, my nearest and dearest, and all of japan, i pulled an alex. i was funked. i could not enjoy the good things in front of me, or the fact that with these people there i should have been having a kick ass time. but i didn't, my funk was heavy and i'm sure felt by my friends. i hate that i can't toss that off and just say, 'fuck it. i'm gonna have fun anyways'. this is something i will fix, once i figure out how to have will power.
hopefully as time passes, and the goodbyes are said and gone, i'll look back fondly on my trip to okinawa with my ladies of JET.
we took the only reasonable option and took the bus to hiroshima to the shinkansen to fukuoka to the wendy's. frosties and fries eaten, we took the subway to the airport to naha, arriving six hours late.
my mood was therefore not good, never recovering from the 'CANCELED'; i did not have the strength nor conviction to improve my own mood. thereby, for the hour it took for us to find the guest house, the following day of going to the aquarium that i really did not desire to see, and that proceeded to make me sad, the pizza restaurant that closed at 7, finding the best hippie store when i had no money (still spending 6000yen, making me really broke for the rest of the trip), it dropping rain on us the moment we opened our ice creams, the one day at the beach being a joke, and the last day being spent at an outlet mall when i had NO money, seemed all to be a cruel conspiracy.
there were good things, like A&W, the duty free shop food colosseum, our little tea&coffee station breakfast spot, seeing 'zodiac' in theaters with cute jake gyllenhaal, the hippiness of our guest house and other hippie encounters, but i think i was pulling an alex (my brother). whenever we left him, or he left us (my immediate family) after a visit--since he's been away at college--he'd get really pissy. this does not happen any more, really, i guess, but was it annoying it seemed that for no reason we would all be on his bad side, and no one would want to talk to him or comment on this new crappy mood. i'm sure it had to do with not wanting to deal with saying goodbye, and as i was there in okinawa, nearing the big goodbye to these, my nearest and dearest, and all of japan, i pulled an alex. i was funked. i could not enjoy the good things in front of me, or the fact that with these people there i should have been having a kick ass time. but i didn't, my funk was heavy and i'm sure felt by my friends. i hate that i can't toss that off and just say, 'fuck it. i'm gonna have fun anyways'. this is something i will fix, once i figure out how to have will power.
hopefully as time passes, and the goodbyes are said and gone, i'll look back fondly on my trip to okinawa with my ladies of JET.
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