dr. horrible's fantastic sing-a-long.

i've watched it 2 and a 1/3 times now. it's amazing.

i could list a whole bunch of other words and go on and on about how in love with joss whedon i am, but we know (and if you don't, go find out http://www.drhorrible.com/ ) and really what i'm trying to say is i'm inspired. i'm already inspired by all the kids in my classes and what i'm getting to do on other's projects and just this jumping into film that i'm doing and i am so happy.

i want to make something just that awesome. that's the point of this moment in my typing. i'm going to. i know i can, but i really want to do it right now. but something that awesome takes lots of work and thought and rewrites and planning and teamowrk and i love it all, but i want it now. not later.

i'm gonna start. i'm gonna make it work. i'm gonna rock it. i'm gonna be amazing and i already see it, i just have to have patience.

and quit my job.

anger, sadness and hangovers.

what was it in japanese? second day drunk? which when i say that to english speakers they just think i'm saying i was still drunk the second day, not that i am what a person who got drunk is on on the second day.

yesterday was my second day, thursday was my drunk day. my boss, chef and friend got fired yesterday. even now i am so angry and hurt by it that i can feel my tears welling. now, i know he'll be fine. he'll get another job in a snap. but (this is selfish me right now) my world is changed. i don't get to see him anymore, the whole environment that i was just starting to not hate is gone. and so that you really understand the situation, we had our employee meeting on thursday. for 3 hours the owners were encouraging and nice to us (which never ever happens). patrick (our ex-chef) stood up after the meeting and said, "that was painless", 10 minutes later they fired him. no warning, some bullshit reason about management style. and he packs up his stuff and is gone.

what really happened is that a week ago patrick told the owner how we all felt about him: scared whenever he shows up, like he doesn't like us. apparently there was some yelling and now someone's fired. and now i'm quitting. i didn't put any notice in, i'm going to be slightly more reasonable than that. but my manager knows that i'm seeking other employment.

i quit my last job 'cause i couldn't sell corporate steak anymore, i'm quitting this one 'cause i can't make money for the bastards that own that place.

how does that lead to drunk you ask?

so thursday night, first thursday which means free booze for all!, i went out and got purposefully drunk. i made out with a friend of a friend, i had to be taken care of by my amazing underage pal jazz, hugged the porcelain bowl and i forgot half my night. and friday? friday i was still angry but with a horrible headache and no will to do my job.

distance is a feeling.

i came back from japan and now i feel the difference.



i felt it before but i guess i didn't want o acknowledge it. or i thought it was a "hey, i'm not in college anymore, that must be why i don't get drunk every weekend anymore". but no, i think i'm different. i think i changed. or at least my priorities? i looked at the photos on katie's camera and i felt lonely. i think it was just from last night, at last thursday, where i went and i encountered, but i didn't stay, i didn't party, i didn't even have one drink or one conversation with my supposed everyday friends. i had to run off to a film shoot. i don't really regret it at all, i'm happy i did it, which is why i know my priorities changed. film before bros. not bros before hoes, or more aptly put, chixs before dixs... or i guess film before chixs? or film before... friends?

but did it really change? in college i sat at home and did my own thing all the time, that is until my senior year when i broke up with tyler and began sowing wild oats.

i think i'm just lonely.

and loneliness brings me back to japan. where i was lonely. where i was separate and doing my own thing. and i came back to do film. my own thing. and i miss putting my friends first... i miss being a goof... i miss being on the call list to do things. but i never come and so i've been dropped off the "frequently attends, please call" list. or else i've dropped myself off it by just not doing it anymore.

but then back to the japan thing, i did miss out. my friends made new friends and started new things and even though it's been nearly a year since i've been back (omg depressing) i still don't fit in anymore. and 10 months isn't long enough to be happy with new life and new friends.

why was i stupid enough to think it would all be the same when i stepped back in my world? my world was gone the moment i stepped on that plane.

and what's even stupider? i just had an amazing friday night off work, where i geeked out with film nerds, saw an amazing film, and made a new pseudo friend, and a stunning bike ride got me home. but those damn photos... those friends, that life that i'm just on the edge of.

gosh blogging makes me mellow dramatic.

peace, man.

it's silly. i haven't touched this in months and months, but i had a thought, and here goes.

i was riding my bike home tonight and some cute kid (girl, to be more specific) flashed me the peace sign. i was pleasantly baffled at first, i thought maybe she was just a sweet hippie in the back seat of a volvo station wagon fleein' the bike love, and then i remembered my clothing. i was garbed up in hippiness today; my mother's boutique shirt, my super hippie skirt from the supper hippie japanese clothing store, my green earthy helmet, i was the image. so of course this sweet smiling girl gave me the sign that i was emblemising.

and here was my thought. this supper hippie, bagged down w/stuff and biking up in southeast, is not who i am. it's one of the people that i want to be, but it's not who i am. each day i dress up in something i find pretty or cool, something that is much more of a costume to me than actual clothing, and i jump on my bike (which is just another part of who i wish i was) and i set out. and here i go again in some angsty quest of who i am... but really... who am i?

i guess i can truly hold on to being a nerd. that is something that i'm comfortable with claiming, and so of course i vocally label myself that way all the time and i am drawn to other nerds. i can also label myself as a film student, almost maker. and there i feel comfy, too. but when i try to jump from my bi-sexual label to full lesbian, i know i'm lying. just like when i'm biking in my hippie sheek, it's just a costume. i was a gleeful vegetarian, but have fallen back to a pesketarianism.

i guess i can conclude that i have my clothing variety/image variety 'cause i get bored with simly being a nerd and a film student. i like to play the game of being a little of this and a little of that.

and as for my mohawk, my tattoos, my new nose piercing, i guess these are just things that fit me at a more base level than even my nerd claims. as in, i am a nerd, but i'm also more of a rebel, a rebel with a cause who will stand up for herself.

tragedy.

it's just not fair. i kept putting it off, and thinking 'oh next week, tomorrow, it'll get done'. i'll burn these to discs when i get home. i'll buy an external drive. it'll be fine.

no.

it's not fine. every one of my photos since march is gone. my trips with my parents. my trip by myself, to yakushima. cambodia. spaceworld. goodbyes. my schools. culture festivals. fukuyama rose festival. tattoos. my last days in hiroshima. thailand. singapore. it's all gone. that's it. my harddrive crashed, as far as i can tell, for no reason. i don't understand. it's just disgusting. and even my film that i made in japan, gone. all i left is the crappy youtube version. i just... i'm sad. it's sad. there is no solution--besides my wonderful friends sharing their photos with me, for the times we were together. but as my friends will tell you, i was the obsessive photographer. i took silly useless photos that i thought were ingenious. no one else did. this along with my unsuccessful job search, and thereby unsuccessful house search, is making my homing coming rather anti-climatic; rather frustrating one might say. *sigh* i just have to have patience, and get over the loss of my photos, and hope that i can actually hold on to my memories (which i am terrible at). i need some good news. anyone?

frustration.

so i wrote all these "wow! i'm back in america!" posts; then, my computer died, as i was attempting to post them. i am frustrated. i am frustrated for many other reasons: lack of job, lack of place to call my own, lack of person to call my own as i am surrounded by couples. i love my couples, but i am not one and i did have a slight desire to be one. but no. life goes on. and currently i am frustrated woman, lost without a place/job/person to call my own. *sigh*

it is nearing the end.

i just realized that i am doing my favorite thing in the whole world: sitting on the shinkansen, drinking green tea, eating my crustless sweet peanutbutter sandwhich, reading a good book and listening to my ipod; and of course watching the beautiful japanese landscape passing by. leaving this hurts.