peace, man.

it's silly. i haven't touched this in months and months, but i had a thought, and here goes.

i was riding my bike home tonight and some cute kid (girl, to be more specific) flashed me the peace sign. i was pleasantly baffled at first, i thought maybe she was just a sweet hippie in the back seat of a volvo station wagon fleein' the bike love, and then i remembered my clothing. i was garbed up in hippiness today; my mother's boutique shirt, my super hippie skirt from the supper hippie japanese clothing store, my green earthy helmet, i was the image. so of course this sweet smiling girl gave me the sign that i was emblemising.

and here was my thought. this supper hippie, bagged down w/stuff and biking up in southeast, is not who i am. it's one of the people that i want to be, but it's not who i am. each day i dress up in something i find pretty or cool, something that is much more of a costume to me than actual clothing, and i jump on my bike (which is just another part of who i wish i was) and i set out. and here i go again in some angsty quest of who i am... but really... who am i?

i guess i can truly hold on to being a nerd. that is something that i'm comfortable with claiming, and so of course i vocally label myself that way all the time and i am drawn to other nerds. i can also label myself as a film student, almost maker. and there i feel comfy, too. but when i try to jump from my bi-sexual label to full lesbian, i know i'm lying. just like when i'm biking in my hippie sheek, it's just a costume. i was a gleeful vegetarian, but have fallen back to a pesketarianism.

i guess i can conclude that i have my clothing variety/image variety 'cause i get bored with simly being a nerd and a film student. i like to play the game of being a little of this and a little of that.

and as for my mohawk, my tattoos, my new nose piercing, i guess these are just things that fit me at a more base level than even my nerd claims. as in, i am a nerd, but i'm also more of a rebel, a rebel with a cause who will stand up for herself.