tragedy.

it's just not fair. i kept putting it off, and thinking 'oh next week, tomorrow, it'll get done'. i'll burn these to discs when i get home. i'll buy an external drive. it'll be fine.

no.

it's not fine. every one of my photos since march is gone. my trips with my parents. my trip by myself, to yakushima. cambodia. spaceworld. goodbyes. my schools. culture festivals. fukuyama rose festival. tattoos. my last days in hiroshima. thailand. singapore. it's all gone. that's it. my harddrive crashed, as far as i can tell, for no reason. i don't understand. it's just disgusting. and even my film that i made in japan, gone. all i left is the crappy youtube version. i just... i'm sad. it's sad. there is no solution--besides my wonderful friends sharing their photos with me, for the times we were together. but as my friends will tell you, i was the obsessive photographer. i took silly useless photos that i thought were ingenious. no one else did. this along with my unsuccessful job search, and thereby unsuccessful house search, is making my homing coming rather anti-climatic; rather frustrating one might say. *sigh* i just have to have patience, and get over the loss of my photos, and hope that i can actually hold on to my memories (which i am terrible at). i need some good news. anyone?

frustration.

so i wrote all these "wow! i'm back in america!" posts; then, my computer died, as i was attempting to post them. i am frustrated. i am frustrated for many other reasons: lack of job, lack of place to call my own, lack of person to call my own as i am surrounded by couples. i love my couples, but i am not one and i did have a slight desire to be one. but no. life goes on. and currently i am frustrated woman, lost without a place/job/person to call my own. *sigh*

it is nearing the end.

i just realized that i am doing my favorite thing in the whole world: sitting on the shinkansen, drinking green tea, eating my crustless sweet peanutbutter sandwhich, reading a good book and listening to my ipod; and of course watching the beautiful japanese landscape passing by. leaving this hurts.

so far.

our travels have been interesting, exciting, boring, unbelievable, frustrating, and fun. ups and downs filled much of japan for me and this trip is not differnt, i won't go into detail (as i'm paying 1 baht/min) however it has been a trip. my biggest challenge is living day by day. i've been most successful, but if i get lost in thought and think 24 days ahead then there is still way too much travel left. those JETs that are traveling for four months post-JET must be in a very differnt mental place than me. portland calls to me, but it also freaks me out. thinking about money, and descisions is keeping me awake at night and not letting me relax (at moments). being home again will be amazing, excpet for the respinsibility and reality. we'll see how i handle it.

within just a few hours.

a lot has happened. elena and i are on our way to bangkok today, we were supposed to catch a train to chang mai tonight. however, things change. we forgot to double check the time, we didn't get on the right train, we didn't stay right next to the airport, we didn't leave early enough, ect. ect. ect., and we missed our flight. i of course was freaking out, incredibly cranky, and only thinking in 'end of the world' kind of terms. after two trains and a 3000yen taxi we made it to narita. some speed walking and then pacing, as the cathay pacific airlines attendent spoke on the phone for what seemed like forever, and then a *sigh*... we got a flight for 5pm to hong kong and then trasfer at 8:22 to bangkok. we won't arrive till 10 or 11 tonight, but we'll be there with enough time to train it to chang mai on the 9th. i am so easily stressed, and deal with stress so badly, i am suprised i put myself in these situations so often. throughout the past week or so i have not been able to relax as i've packed, and prepared to move to another country. until i had handed off the last two bags to dob, to stash till i'm back in hiroshima, i was not really able to breath. knowing that we were missing the flight while sitting on the train, and then in the taxi--for a good hour of travel--i was tensing up again and letting every emotion overtake me. despite all of this discomfort, i know that if i do not indure it, if i just stay in a safe place of comfort, i would never do the things i want to do or be the person i want to be. i guess that's my challenge to myself, to deal with this stress, this stress that i suck at dealing with, and see the world, have adventures and be the person that i want to be.

now if i only i could really conquor these feelings of dicomfort to the point of not having them... but then again i wouldn't be challenging myself if i wasn't my stressed out me.

leaving. temporarily.

it's only for 2 and a 1/2 weeks. not that long. i'll be back in japan soon enough; however, this is me leaving for real. i am giving up my visa, my gaijin card; i will return under a 90 day tourist visa, i will no longer be a resident. i don't like this. i enjoy my status as an expat, off living in the freedom of being seperate. passing by hiroshima out my shinkansen window my tears welled. i don't want to leave my current home, and my true home is temporarily frightening. japan is my home. this is of course crazy because returning to pdx and all those that i love is where my heart is pulled. it's where i belong. however giving up my foreign home is a price to pay that does not seem worth it right now.

a cleaning binge and a cockroach capture.

yesterday was a good day. i felt the love of my kids, and felt like they actually were taking notice. i taught my very last class, which happened to have some of the best kids. it was a second year class, so i hadn't seen them in a while; probably not since last february. we all had fun trying to understand my silly essay and answering the silly questions. or at least i had fun.... then they had the right reaction when i told them this was my last class. i was happily teaching with nakamura sensei, and we giggled and laughed after class as she tried to hold her tongue about the new harry potter book.

i then had to sit and wait for the closing ceremony to begin. four hours later, i then had to sit and continue to get more nervous as i waited for my turn to speak. i would like to think that if i was speaking entirely in english i really wouldn't have been nervous, but i wanted the kids to really understand what i was saying. i wanted there to be no mistake about how much i would miss them; so i spoke half of it in japanese.

"Good Afternoon.

My year at Yasufuruichi High School has been fun and exciting. I have enjoyed spending time with all of you.

みなさん　の　英語　が　じょうっつすろ　のを　みたり　みなさん　が　えいご　を　使ってゲーム を　たのしん　でいる　のを　みる　のが　うれしかったです。

You are all very smart, and fun to teach. I have enjoyed being in all your classes.

おせわ　に　なった　先生方　にも　かんしゃ　の　きもち　で　いっぱいです。　ほんとう　に　ありがとうございました。

Thank you for of the memories from Sports Day, たいいくさい, and the School Festival, ぶんかさい, and everyday classes.

みなさん　と　おわかれする　のは　とても　さみしいですが　みなさん　の　こと　は　わすれません。

I will miss all of you very much.

Thank you for a wonderful year at Yasufuruichi High School."


my favorite moment was that after saying "good afternoon" i paused just long enough to get half the students to say it back to me. this was quickly followed by a collective, visible "d'oh". also, after barely making in through the speech with out welling up, the students all applauded, unprompted, for the first time during the ceremony. i was touched.

it felt really good to feel the students' appreciation in that moment. i then continued my 'up' day with going home to coffee and salad for dinner, the coffee giving me the energy to get my apartment nearly clean. and while eating i watch 'the number 23', a new jim carrey movie recommended by luke. he had said something about it being about obsession and numerology and and deeper meaning with religion. after watching it i'd say it does make a comment towards religion as a choice. you can choose to let it rule your life, to become an obsession, or you can put it aside and make your own choices; but after a lifetime of obsession, having the will power to put aside your guiding light is incredible.

the film was also interesting because i had never thought i'd ever think of jim carrey as a sex symbol, but he was undeniably sexy in this film. plus, at the peak moment of tension in the film, a giant cockroach decided to scurry into view in my apartment. equally freaked by this new little friend, and the film, i was on an adrenalin high that got me through a cleaning binge and a cockroach capture.

a lot happened for me yesterday. cheers.

and they are doing so willingly.

i am currently reading 'white teeth', by zadie smith. this is the second book i've read by this author and i am enjoying it. smith writes excellent descriptions and complex stories that are difficult to predict. i'm writing about this now as one of the characters has reminded me a difference between men and women that i would like to comment on.

love is found in different places. this is of course not wholly consistent, and there are always exceptions, but it seems to me that women hold onto the men and boys of their past, boys who are their friends, with a light and ideal that may be false. these feelings often translate into crushes or love. women seek relationships with those who they are most comfortable with, who they have fond memories of, who they have created a mythology around. young and old men often seek relationships with those they find to be new, that are different or exciting. of course, in the end, many men do seek comfort with their choice of partners, but this nearly always feels like settling. our society, many societies, tell men to go after that sexy woman who will entice them and be a symbol of their power. women are taught to find someone who will care for them. realistically this is not always how it works, but these are the messages and ideals we are given.

in japan there is currently a difficultly for women: the new ideal. after years of aspiring towards big careers and big success, now they crave to become housewives. just saying this makes me want to puke. when america, and the other allies, wrote the japanese constitution the equal opportunities act was included. this prescribed that women could not be discriminated against in the workforce, not in wage scale or job position. this is something that still has not made it's way to america, despite some believing that it has, and did effect they way japanese women thought about themselves. post-WWII women were part of the goal for a boom in japan's economy. they aspired to be ball-crushing career women, along side their male counter parts. however this has changed. in recent years women now crave to be married. with this desire they give each other incredibly rude names if not married by 30; they have given up their power, their control of their lives.

looking at japan, as a whole, this is not surprising. although women have the power and the legal ability to be equals, society does not support this. women are not equals out of the work place, they are still expected to clean house, care for the children and be the perfect wife/'woman' (basically interchangeable). this even extends to the point where boyfriends will give keys to their girlfriends, not for convenience or intimacy, but so that the girlfriends can clean their apartments when they are out of town. women in japan are expected to be incredibly feminine, quaffed hair and perfect make-up match the ever present cute little heals. this physical ideal matches well with a 50s housewife life style, and is hard to maintain when you have to work 80 hour weeks and go to late night enkai's (work parties), passing by with all the men in total workload when you include the extra 'female responsibilities'. to give all this up, to stop working and make bento's for the kids, seems like a much easier life. and i guess it is an easier life, but it also a much more depressing life. women are relearning how to live through their husbands, to see coach and gucci bags as the ideal and how to dote over their children with all of their being. women are becoming servants, accessories to their husbands' lives, and they are doing so willingly.

however disgusting this is to me, i also know that it does fit in with japanese society. everyone is taught to desire to fit in, from day one. american individualism is a foreign concept, despite america pop-culture being such an important part of japanese life. being a cog is a perfect way to spend your life here, so for a woman to push (as she must) to stand out and rise in the ranks, to be part of the team, does not mesh. to step back, to leave the workforce and just fulfill the duties of a homebody fits. these women are finding the easiest way to be a cog, to fit.

everyday i see this around me in japan. it is hard to face and has given me motivation to embrace my own culture--my mohawk haircut and tattoos being my outward expression. these roles in japan, of housewife and career-go-getter, do not fit with how men and women are taught to seek their partners. the sweet doting women of japan are broken: either by not finding a husband who will actually care for them, or even want them; or by marrying only to have their husband go off to the local snack bar to find that something new and unattainable, as the wives plop into what it is to be a housewife. and this is not all the men's fault because japan also tells women to go for the gold. for some, i imagine, it is the comfortable that they desire, this is probably important for almost all, but more importantly is the look. just as for men's desires to be fulfilled, the look is very important for a woman's man. japan is about appearances. the coach bag, the quaffed boyfriend, they go hand in hand; and finding the quaffed boyfriend who wants a eventual frumpy housewife is hard. nothing lines up and i sit on the edges shaking with the desire to do SOMETHING to fix it. however i do not know all the facts. i do not know the solutions.

japan is on the cusp. i believe that japan will either work itself out, finding a way for women to be both career women and housewives, by their own choosing, and men having the choice to fit the mold or jump from it (maybe even being househusbands); or it will collapse in on itself and the current population crisis will take hold and japan will cease to exist, except as a tale we tell our children as we watch miyazaki's anime.

it has started.

i'm lost in my tool, on the bus back from kannabe, for the last time. my first impossible goodbye, leaving kate, who has been my confident, advisor, support, laughter and dearest friend this year. i can't even really think about it, but as i brush the surface i think of the first bus ride i took to visit a friend, way back before i had even started college, when she had just, to visit beth. to go and see her world, in walla walla, for just a few days...damnshit, that was so awesome. going to classes, parties, meeting friends, i wish i'd made a second trip--although i'm sure it was for the best. but why i go there, to that fond memory of days gone by now is that then i was saved by my cd player and lateralus as i did the 14hrs via greyhound, and here again i sit with my tool, signs and scenery being passed by. and being back here, in the present, i remember my first return from kannabe. i had my laptop, as i had used kate's internet in leu of my "taking for-fucking-ever to get" internet. i blogged as the bus driver drove, much like now. and i listened to new music with my giant ipod (the laptop). on that september weekend, we had had hot cakes and watched GG (gilmore girls), much like today. to know that this was the last, that kate will be gone in a week and a half... i don't know. an era is over and it hurts. this year has been frivolous and hard. confusing and a blast. as i sit in the middle of goodbyes, the last of them still over a month away, i've settled in my denial. although i won't deny the stifled tears from moments ago as i realized that my friendship with kate is over as it was.

sunday through thursday.

let's be honest. it was not the trip i wanted. i had images of sihanoukville, beaches, relaxation, chatting with the girls and snorkeling floating through my head. this is not what i got. our flight was canceled. we were supposed to be flying to okinawa. to naha. there was a typhoon, however on sunday morning it was beautiful. alexis, nats, kate and i smiled and grinned at the clear sky despite the 6am bus to the airport. then 'CANCELED'. what the fuck? -the first, but not the last of the question.

we took the only reasonable option and took the bus to hiroshima to the shinkansen to fukuoka to the wendy's. frosties and fries eaten, we took the subway to the airport to naha, arriving six hours late.

my mood was therefore not good, never recovering from the 'CANCELED'; i did not have the strength nor conviction to improve my own mood. thereby, for the hour it took for us to find the guest house, the following day of going to the aquarium that i really did not desire to see, and that proceeded to make me sad, the pizza restaurant that closed at 7, finding the best hippie store when i had no money (still spending 6000yen, making me really broke for the rest of the trip), it dropping rain on us the moment we opened our ice creams, the one day at the beach being a joke, and the last day being spent at an outlet mall when i had NO money, seemed all to be a cruel conspiracy.

there were good things, like A&W, the duty free shop food colosseum, our little tea&coffee station breakfast spot, seeing 'zodiac' in theaters with cute jake gyllenhaal, the hippiness of our guest house and other hippie encounters, but i think i was pulling an alex (my brother). whenever we left him, or he left us (my immediate family) after a visit--since he's been away at college--he'd get really pissy. this does not happen any more, really, i guess, but was it annoying it seemed that for no reason we would all be on his bad side, and no one would want to talk to him or comment on this new crappy mood. i'm sure it had to do with not wanting to deal with saying goodbye, and as i was there in okinawa, nearing the big goodbye to these, my nearest and dearest, and all of japan, i pulled an alex. i was funked. i could not enjoy the good things in front of me, or the fact that with these people there i should have been having a kick ass time. but i didn't, my funk was heavy and i'm sure felt by my friends. i hate that i can't toss that off and just say, 'fuck it. i'm gonna have fun anyways'. this is something i will fix, once i figure out how to have will power.

hopefully as time passes, and the goodbyes are said and gone, i'll look back fondly on my trip to okinawa with my ladies of JET.

good-bye engrish.

my year is ending and i have been handed the last random engrish to grade, that was not my own assignment. i have been resisting the urge to share these wondrous thoughts, writings, with the world, but these dreams, these dreams need to be shared.


"my dream is keeping cats and to live alone. i like cats because they're cute and wise. i want to keep many kinds of cats in the future. but we cannot kaap they im an apartment house. And so i'll live alone."

"my dream is adopt the average score. because my grades went down. so i must study hard. and hold out newt test. special hold out study english."

"my dream is physical therapist or to work as the cast of the disney resort. but i want to work as a physical therapist is i can do it. so i have to study hard. i want to marry internationally in the future!! and i want to live in the foreign country."

"my dream is to become an excellent adult. because now,there are many poor people in the world. and, i think i live as hard as possible their lifes. and i hope that they can liveto adult."

"my dream is getting everthing i want someday. that are foods, cars, house, family, ect. so first i want buy up goods sold in tokyu hands. for that propose i must become rich. so i will cretainly win lottery someday!"

"my dream is a manager. because i am interesting management. i have to study very hard. and i have to enter a college. a department is business administration. i grant my dream."

"my dream is to be able to pare off an apple well. it is to be equal to god for me that be able to pare off an apple. the meaning of exsistance of pared apple is only that eaten by somebody. i cannot think feelings of pared apple. so i can eat resolutely pared apple. there is only one thing to people who cannot think feelings of pared apple. it is to eat him."

permanent art.

i feel like i've been away from the blog scene for a bit, nothing really new to say and all, but i feel like writing, so here goes.

one and a half weeks ago i got two new tattoos. just about since i got to japan i knew i wanted to get a tattoo while living here. last time i was in japan i had the same desire, but i wussed out and then ended up getting the same tattoo a couple years later anyways. this time i knew that wasn't gonna happen and i was gnna go for the follow through. so since last november i knew i was either going to get the portland skyline tattooed on me or the hawthorn bridge. i even decided on the position (the inside of my left bicep). so then it was just a waiting game to see if i really wanted it, to get a better picture of the bridge, and, eventually, convince my friends here to go with me and get their own. everything finally came into place this june, and on the 23rd we all felt pain and got pretty pictures in return.

we started the day at inokouchi high school (alexis' school), for the school festival. it was five of us gaijin running around, being goofs, and having a rad time screaming in the kids' haunted houses. once the guys heard kate, alexis and i were actually getting tattoos that evening, they decided to tag along. so mark and bill joined in the fun, bill spending his time hardcoring it at deciding what would he get (the tattoo bug is very contagious).

we went to fujiyama tattoo in downtown hiroshima. this location was appealing for the amazing art and it's (clearly) yakuza cliental. for three hours we girls squirmed on our tattoo beds, and cheering was done by all. the main artist was very skilled, and his wife (who was apprenticing) was also gosh darn good. alexis went first, got the kanji for peach (momo); kate started at about the same time with the apprentice, getting a cute godzilla threatening to beat a salary man with a sakura blossom; and i went last, with the lead artist, getting my hawthorn bridge with a reflection of japanese style trees.

now the adrenaline in the shop, the shop that was only 14x6ft (maybe), was intense. this gave bill the motivation to make an appointment for a commitment of a tattoo and mark to think up 20 different things he would or wouldn't get. this intensity also drove me, who was coveting kate's adorable salary man, to get my own little salary man running around on my wrist. i still can't believe i did this, i never do anything without forethought and consideration and procrastination and reconsideration and ... you get the idea. but i have my little testament to spur of the moment decisions to prove that i can change. and i'll have him forever.

success was had, and us three girls will happily share that night together in memory with our fresh ink. satisfaction is what i feel with my new art, and of course the desire to get something else still nags on me; but now there are only a few more things to check of my japan list.

pizza pixy.

i keep smelling papa murphy's pizza; which is insane. not only am i thousands of miles from the nearest establishment, i am thousands of miles from actually delicious pizza. this leaves me to include one of two things. one, there is pizza pixy playing nose tricks on me. two, i can almost taste 'home' and it's reached my nose.

for the major part of my life i had papa murphy's (originally papa aldo's) every saturday night, with my family, while we watched star trek or, later, a movie. in college that waned. in japan it disappeared, obviously. so, smelling papa murphy's everywhere i turn is like torture. it's still too far away to actually say, 'i can't wait till i can have that pizza!', but it's too close to not imagine making that statement. what's silliest of all is the fact that as that time nears, i know i will be saying, 'fuck papa murphy's! i don't wanna leave!'. even now, those words are on the tip of my tongue, right after, 'what is that smell? pizza?'.

the hike.

during winter break i had wanted to go camping, it didn't happen. although i had not used any of my nenkyu (days off) during that time, so i still had days to spare. i decided to use three to go down to yakyshima, the rainiest place in japan. silly place to go, you say? well it also has the oldest cedar trees in japan and some of the best hiking in japan.

saturday morning i woke early to finalize packing, washing dishes, and making sure i had everything i could need. i then bought my shink ticket from my little train station and was off. the trip down was rather uneventful, except the minor excitement at being on the shiney new kyushu shinkansen for the last land-based leg of the journey. once in kagoshima (where my port to yakushima was) i switched stations and grabbed a cab to the トッピー (toppy) express ferry. at that point, if it weren't for the boat being 2 minutes late to leave, i would have missed it, which might have been the only boat to go to the island that day--as the weather was stormy and dark; foreboding you might say.

on the island i started to bemoan my choice to not buy the lonely planet's 'hiking japan'. i did find my english maps, after waiting and getting nervous about missing a bus, but even then it was confusing and not obvious the way i would want go. my saving grace was named, kosuke. on the ferry, when i asked in bad japanese if a seat was free, he answered my in clear perfect english. while waiting for maps from the information center, on the island, i started up a conversation, realizing i was a little up the river, paddle-less. i followed his lead and went to anbo for the night. this little town was near the base of a few of the hiking starts. still on kosuke's coat tails, we asked questions of the more local information center and got the low down for our hikes.

kosuke was a nice young man (28ish?) who had planned a trip with his parents to yakushima; they had bailed, so he was there alone. as he was eyeing his hiking route, and realizing it made no sense not to make it an overnight trip, he decided to tag onto my hike. now i was quite happy to have him there to be a perfect translator, but i had been looking forward to my one-woman hike. he was eyeing me in my gear and hoping to mooch off my apparent hiking skills. after my moment of surprise, i said 'of course you're welcome to join me!'. what else was i going to do?

so i stayed in the dorm style rooms above the rental shop, next to the info center; kosuke went for a real hotel, and then we went for dinner. he paid, thank you! and i enjoyed his selections on the menu. in the morning we met at 5am to take a taxi to the head of the trail--that's japan for you, a taxi to go hiking. kosuke again paid, thank you!

the start of the trail looked like any national park trail in oregon. there was the biffy (bathroom in forest), the map on the rustic looking board, and the parking. there with us, at 6am, was a large group of retiree hikers. they were a patchwork of bright gortex, rearing to go. kosuke and i started out, after a few photos taken, ahead of the gortex quilt. the weather from the previous stormy day had not completely disappeared and the air was a mist of wet, that later turned to rain, back to mist, to clear, to heavy mist, and so on. our first day was simply hiking up and up and up. we were going to the miyanoura-dake (peak). after that we would move on to the cabin, that was the designated sleeping spot. [tangent: i had to laugh at the fact there were 6 cabins in these mountains for tourists to sleep in. there was no charge, simply a courtesy. i was laughing till i thought about it and realized it was actually a great way to save the forest from damage from campers. of course it would never work in the u.s., but i'm not sure i would want it to. i kinda missed my tent--hence it not working in the u.s.] overall it ended up being ten hours of hiking with a few breaks to stretch out the time. my converse (yes, i was hiking in converse) were basically dry for the first seven hours, and then they were puddles. i only fell two times. first, only five minutes in, i did a face dive in a puddle, with my 40lb pack on my back. don't as me how. second, i did the semi-splits in a puddle of mud, thanks to the rain most of that mud did wash off.

the sights that stunned me were, that while on the top of the mountain, it was field after field of miniature bamboo, only broken by the sprinkling of pink rhododendrons. the path at that point was a raised wooden platform, so it felt rather unreal. my pictures did not capture any of this because while on the top the rain and wind beat down on us and i feared damaging my new camera.

the night was spent in the cabin with three other groups (again, this would never work in america). we had our little dinner, and curled down in our mummy bags, trying to keep warm. the cold was unexpected and all permeating. with my one warm shirt being wet, it was a chilly night as i tried to sleep with a little mouse running around the cabin, deciding--on occasion--that i looked like a climbable mountain. this was actually a pretty good night, despite my complaints, and in the morning i had a nice hot oatmeal breakfast to warm me up.

our second day hiking was in the woods. it was raining and dripping in the morning, but slowly the world began to dry out. after our first landmark, the second cabin on top of the mountain, we began to pass into the world heritage territory and the giant cedars that draw so many to this island. this included the oldest cedar tree in japan (they don't know how old, anywhere from 2,000 to 7,000 years old), and the husband and wife trees, the old oldest tree, and a few more with their own quirky names. one that i found funny was wilson's stump. it was called this 'cause some guy named wilson came upon it in a storm and thought it was a cave, but it was a tree stump. he was so impressed by the size he wrote a paper that got published and read world wide.

on our hike down we ran into group after group, led by guides, of tourists going up this famous trail. it got rather tiresome, but it was very japanese. at the bottom of the hill was a set of old trolly tracks. this was kosuke's trail down. i was on it for a while with him before i took my own path. we saw some more wildlife, my first monkey in japan and a few dear, then we had our lunch before splitting off. we said goodbye and then i went up my little path, that looked like no one ever went on, into the princess mononoke forest (yes, like the movie).

i had what was supposed to be a 80 min hike to the cabin where i would sleep that night. i knew that it would take me at least two hours, as that day's previous six hours, and my heavy bag, were weighing on me. along the way i trudged through and around a trail that was more like a small stream (this was just the same as the previous trails on top of the mountain and such), and i was excited to see more deer that were not very frightened of my single appearance. this was even to the point where i heard a deer scream. i had never heard a deer make any vocal sound before, but there he was, screaming his little head off. i still don't know why, but it was pretty cool.

when i finally reached a sign directing me towards my cabin, 20 min to go, and i took a wrong turn. i saw the pink ribbons, that had been guiding my way, off to the left. the sign basically pointed in this direction, and i saw no other ribbons, so i headed up. and up and up and up. i thought i was getting closer, but no. my hike up onto a questionable trail was taking me no where near my destination. however it was taking me to a renewal of my ambition in life. at the top, i came upon a large granite stone, i thought maybe the cabin was just on the other side, oh was i wrong. over the rock was on of the most amazing views of my life. the island of yakushima fell below my feet and i was stunned. i couldn't help going back, in my mind, to my hike two years ago with my parents to the wallalas. at our peak there it was entirely granite stone and look like something out of the lord of the rings. this, in the center of yakushima, was so much more lush and seemed out of a dream.

of course, because it's japan, i was not alone in this beautiful, perfect spot; there was also a japanese couple there relaxing in the sun. the young man had a lovely large video camera and was filming the clouds, the woman was just keeping him company. he was filming for a video about yakushima that he would sell, as he had done in the past. it was nice to chat with them, but nicer still to just sit there and feel the warm sun on my chilled body. i never wanted to leave, but inevitably, i stood up, put my heavy pack back on, and retraced my steps. with directions from my japanese encounter, i knew where i was going and in an hour, was at my concrete cabin. the hike to the cabin was beautiful and green and a little beyond belief (as i sit here at my sterile desk typing this), but the cabin made me laugh.

it was a concrete building, that used to have running water, electricity and the whole set up. now it was a bare and empty leftover. it was still clearly used, fire residue on the walls where people had cooked, toilet paper for the biffies. with a little looking around i found there was even a little room, sliding screen style doors, that i could close myself off into and have privacy from the sure to come japanese hikers. i set up, filtered my water (from the set up source that everyone else drank out of straight) and settled in for the night.

up on my rock, i had decided to stay for an extra day, just hanging out at the cabin or maybe going back up to look at the view. pain in my legs and feet, plus the rain, stopped me from any hiking the next day, but i did enjoy my sleeping late, napping, and lots of reading. throughout the day there were hikers stopping for lunch, i had a few brief conversations. in the end one girl asked if she could share my private little room, her english was amazing, and i was happy to have the company. a little conversation reveled she was a professional singer, and her mom was a gospel style singing teacher in new york. in the morning i shared my last oatmeal before we said good bye, and that was that. (oh, there were also two very loud middle aged men who slept there that night in the main room of the 'cabin').

on the morning of my fifth day on yakushima, after my friendly conversation, i started out on my last hike. i had two hours to do a 60 min hike, and i was happy to have the extra time to take photos and enjoy the beauty. the hike down was through the mononoke forest, and with the little historical information dropped on the side of the trail, i now feel the need to watch miyazaki's movie again.

when at the bottom of this lush and wet forest, i felt i was coming out of the din. after the rain of the previous three days, the bright amazing sun felt like i was starting anew. it felt like i was coming out of the rainy oregon spring, into the magical oregon summer. i felt so much better, happier.

the rest of the trip was marveling at how different yakushima looked when it wasn't raining, down by the port city, and then the ferry ride to the shinkansen, to the limited express transfer train, to the other shink, to my little local line and home. my ride home was peppered with the end of 'the pleasure of my company', wait wait...don't tell me, and this american life. these listenings brought me back to road trips with my family, and made me grin. a perfect ending to a perfect trip.

carry on, jeeves.

my brother reintroduced me to the humerous 'jeeves and wooster'. if you do not know this series, was first a group of novels and short stories by p.g. wodehouse; it was then made into a british series of hour long episodes. here i will share with you a brief passage my brother recently e-mailed me. we both cracked up.

"But after I had been splashing about in the porcelain for a bit, composure began to return. I have always found that in moments of heart-bowed-downness there is nothing that calms the bruised spirit like a good go at the soap and water. I don't say I actually sang in the tub, but there were times when it was a mere spin of the coin whether I would do so or not.

The spiritual anguish induced by that tactless speech had become noticeably lessened.

The discovery of a toy duck in the soap dish, presumably the property of ome former juvenile visitor, contributed not a little to this new and happier frame of mind. What with one thing and another, I hadn't played with toy ducks in my bath for years, and I found the novel experience most invigorating. For the benefit of those interested, I may mention that if you shove the thing under the surface with the sponge and then let it go, it shoots out of the water in a manner calculated to divert the most careworn. Ten minutes of this and I was enabled to return to the bedchamber much more the old merry Bertram."

unamerican.

something has changed. i felt it while i was in cambodia. i realized, all of a sudden, that home did not appeal. in fact there was a certain amount of terror when i looked ahead to that september flight. being in a country full of people that would never understand the frivolous decisions that plague americans made me realize that i don't want to be one of those americans. and in the past, and even while in cambodia, i can not deny that i am/was one of those americans. much in the same way that, while i am in japan, it is very hard to deny the structure, the organization, and the box that japanese society puts you in. back in america, will i be able to hold on to the things that i now value? will i be able to be that neo-hippie that does not participate in the obsessive media, the all consuming consumerism? probably not.

the advantage of japan, as i see it, is not that it does not hold these things. anyone whose been here for even a week can see that japan has adopted much of american culture, and has even beaten us in our consumeristic tendencies, along with having many other aspects that are not desirable (as every country does). the advantage of japan is that i am not japanese. as a friend here commented, the appeal for him is not (just) loving japanese culture, but that as a foreigner you are distinctly separate. now i don't have a lot to compare my experience to, i have only been to three other countries, but even in those brief visits i saw that foreigners may not be more accepted, but they are more included. this is felt most when walking down thee street, in korea i was grabbed at, called out to; in taipei i was approached for photos, for conversation; and in cambodia, most of all, i was haggled and conversed with, and i saw how foreigners had integrated themselves in with the locals. in japan the number of times i get a spontaneous conversation on the street i could count on one hand. true, part of this has to do with living in a bigger city, but it seems as if the only people who have any awareness towards greeting me are kids and some of the elderly. sure the average citizen will say hello, but most often only after i say it first. while kids still have some innocent curiosity, and the elderly have given up on living with in the requirements of the society.

how does this effect my life? it means that i feel no obligation to fit it. sure i did originally go shopping crazy, and i still buy things that are a little silly/japanese, and it is hard to travel on a whim without reservations ect., and i do respond to the structured box of japanese society, but i am not japanese. i do not spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on one outfit. i do not walk around with a parasol in the summer. i do not just let things go that i could fix if i just have a conversation. i do not stay after work for three hours. i am american. and one thing about being abroad, anywhere, is you finally feel american (even if you never felt it before), but the good thing about that ('cause who really wants to be american?) is that i can leave the stuff i hate behind. when i am in america it is hard to ignore the mass, but being here i am separate. separate from america and separate from japan.

going back to america seems like the end to my freedom--ironic in the land of the free. of course much of this has to do with real life starting when i go back, responsibilities, and actually having to acknowledge the political situation. of course i do still want to kiss the ground when i step out on to portland soil, but america? i don't want to do there.

golden week: the good, the bad luck, the amazing.

(scroll to the end if you only want the short of it).

the blong long of it:

day 1: thursday.
at 11:30 at night, alexis and i hopped the night bus to fukuoka, where the larger international airport is located.

day 2: friday (felt like the same day).
with little to no sleep under our belts, we caught our plane to taipei at 10:20. but first, a mistake/mishap occurred; in our changing money and checking in, we did not pay attention to the checked baggage process, and our bags were forwarded to phnom penh. this meant our day in taipei was a purse day (we only had our purses). as seemed to be the theme of the trip, we decided this 'bad thing' was actually a good thing. we didn't have to deal with our bags and it just meant we'd change clothes the next day when we were in a nice hotel in phnom penh.

so taipei. well, the exchange rate was not what we thought, so we felt lacking in money the whole time. we first saw some very beautiful temples (as much color as korea, but more elaborate detail in the carvings. really beautiful). i got assaulted by about five taiwanese high school girls, who had to take a picture with me and my yellow hair (it was a big hit in taipei). tired and cranky, we then decided to head to a mall and enjoy some aircon and lunch. sounds simple, right? no. wrong. very wrong. we found underground shopping very similar to seoul's, but no malls. and no food. eventually we figured out our tourist map and found a 'mall'. not what we wanted, and we ended up at starbucks drinking banana mocha frapcinnos that were as big as our heads and made us feel sick (all we'd had to eat that day was sugar). post this, we found our youth hostel, a nice enough establishment, checked in and headed out again (as our 'room' was just two bunk beds in the dorm room). [tangent anecdote: as we left the hostel, there was a nice man with about four large dogs, including a great dane. the man commented on my hair, the dogs molested alexis and i; the dane leaving dog snot on my shirt for the next day and a half that i had to wear it.] off to find another mall or something interesting to look at, we came upon a section of 'park blocks' that i loved and reminded me of portland, an interesting mall, and finally three hours of wondering later, a 'japanese' buffet restaurant that took alexis' credit card. all we could find was japanese restaurants, even the fast food was just mos burger. the day ended with us trudging back to the hostel, crashing around eight, getting another horrible night of sleep.

day 3: saturday (still felt like the same day).
the alarm went off at four am. this of course would have been really annoying, but both alexis and i were awake staring at the ceiling. bus ride to the airport, a three hour flight, and BAM, warmth. stepping off the plane in phnom penh, the air was perfect. hot, not too humid. beautiful. we said hello to our bags, got our exciting visas, lightly chatted with the foreign guy who was on the plane with us, and tried to negotiate the price of the taxi to our hotel (yeah... it was fixed. bargaining attempt number one, a no go). our hotel, the diamond hotel, was impressive. $45/night for the room, not per person (oh and we're dealing actually in US$ 'cause that's how they do it. the local currency, reil, is basically used instead of coins). the room had parquet wood floors, two twin beds and cable tv--with american channels. weee! we quickly, and happily, took our respective showers--finally washing off all that had built up from thursday.

our first stop, after turning off 'mythbusters' and grabbing a tuk tuk--our mode of transportation for the capital city--we went to the national museum. it was interesting to see the cambodian take on buddhist art and relax in the very lovely garden at the center. (it reminded me a little of the museum/mansion i went to with my family in boston). we then left and could of course not walk by rory's, an irish pub, without stopping. we had evil cheesy, bacony french fries, and a greek salad with lots of feta; and we met farmer ted. not actually a farmer, at least not since childhood, and maybe not named ted. but he was a nice guy who gave a scoop on life in phnom penh, as told by a resident of five months. apparently he had been a hollywood screenplay writer, and got fed up and left one day, and is now working at an orphanage in cambodia. kinda unbelievable, but true. we got an invite to visit his orphanage, but we sadly weren't able to take him up on it.

we then tried to go to the royal palace and silver pagoda, but apparently my dress was too relieving and by the time we did the math to find that renting a t-shirt cost 25cents, we were already off on the next wanderings. through a park, to a monument, a few silly pictures, our first encounter with the beautiful illegal dvd shops of cambodia and then a pause due to dust in the eye. as we sat and played with contacts, below an interesting fountain, i set down my camera. minutes later, at the independence monument, i tried to take a picture. and no. i had never picked up my camera and it was gone. we walked back and forth, i checked my bag six times, alexis' twice, i actually asked the locals (and felt bad for having a girl respond 'i did not steal'), but there we were, and it had walked away. of course i flipped out. over a hundred pictures gone, all of taipei, plus, you know, the camera itself. and days later, i realized the hokkaido hello kitty strapu i loved, as well. fuck. that was the word. stupidity. that was the other one. determined not to let it ruin the trip, i started off with my cell phone as my camera, we went back to the royal palace, drank some water, walked around, enjoyed ourselves, and took some fun photos with alexis' camera and my little keitai.

tired, hot, we hopped in a tuk tuk to head back to the diamond hotel. misunderstanding took us to the tai ming hotel, and got us a little tour of the city (plus a trip to the gas station). we rested, chose a restaurant, sorya's. it was a cambodian restaurant that was in an old cinema. up stairs there was some sort of event, because the place was flooded with women in 'prom dresses', all glitter and gold. very exciting. dinner was delicious, but too much. dessert was nice, just fresh fruit and pistachio gelatin stuff that i didn't eat. we tried to find some chocolate and beer to take back to the room, but there were no conbini's to be found. and really, at 9pm we were beat. we couldn't even finish the exciting british murder mystery on cable.

day 4: sunday (finally a new day).
with only a half day left in phnom penh, and a long bus ride to look forward to, i was happy it ended up being a easy morning. we had a free continental breakfast at out hotel, and appreciated our showers. we didn't have time for the wat phnom the day before, so we headed over early on sunday. it seemed that it was the day off for local cambodians, so the buddhist site was packed. the actual structure was interesting, but the true feature was the residents of the grounds. first there was an indian elephant that you could feed bananas to, and then there were monkeys monkeys monkeys. and of course the locals were selling stuff to feed the monkeys. eventually i partook, alexis took photos (this was after her monkey encounter in which one decided that, as she sat on the bench, it looked like she needed a lap-friend. not the case). it was very fun to watch the monkeys role around, play in the trees, attempt to drink ice out of a water bottle, and get fed food. when i sat to talk to one and pass on some food, he decided it was a different kind of offer, looked up my skirt a couple times, then made the most frightening leering face i've ever seen. i was quick to hop up and avoid him for the rest of our time. being sexually harassed by a monkey? scaring. we then attempted to find one one of the other wats in town via tuk tuk, this was unsuccessful, so we decided to trade in the t-shirt i had forgotten to return the other day for my deposit. eventually we did find our wat, which ended up being more active by monks and more interesting. we then wandered the water front, stopped in 'the metro' for my new addiction (khmer--vietnamese-- coffee, iced coffee with condensed milk) and smoothies.

and then it was time to go. we waved goodbye to phnom penh, for the moment, and sat on a bus for 6 hours to get to sihanoukville. the bus ride was interesting, as we stopped to drop off people at their houses along the way, saw the planes of cambodia, and the stilted houses that seem very useful at the edge of rainy season. arriving in sihanoukville, our 'hotel' had offered us pick up, but they weren't there. we agreed to a price with a tuk tuk driver, we thought, but turned out it was a couple moto drives. sooo... nervously we jumped on he back of two motorcycles, our huge backpacks between the legs of the drivers, and moto-ed to coasters (our new home).

when i saw where we were going to staying for he next three nights, when i actually took it in, the absolute glee that i felt. never. i mean i've been to the beach. i love the beach. but my beach is the oregon beach. you expect rain, you know it'll be cold, any sign of the sun and you become confused. you go to the beach b/c it's the beach, not b/c you want a tan or want to lay on the beach and enjoy the noise. my times on the beach are of being huddled under a blanket, reading my book, and occasionally wincing from the sand being blown in my eyes. so keep that imagine in mind; our bungalow in sihanoukville was perfect. no aircon, no hot water. two big beds with mosquito nets, open air, and a balcony. an extraordinary balcony that looked over the other roofs of the beach and on to the blue blue ocean. white beach. sun. warmth. never before. the cabin felt like a more rustic version of my camp stays, so simple, so nice. the view, unbelievable. i just. yeah. it was good. and even the 'hotel' was rather amazing. it was just a simple open building with relaxed table and chairs, an attached little clothes shop and about 8 computers for internet access to whoever wanted it (for a minimal price).

with a spring in my step, we went down to the water and it was warm. warm! i couldn't believe it. beautiful luke warm water. we strolled, we walked, we looked for dinner. as dark came we chose the sea-dragon and had crab, sauteed fish with a white wine sauce, and angkor beer. oh and broiled banana for dessert. moving on from there we stopped at another place for mixed drinks and cards. a little egyptian rat screw and off to bed. *sigh*

day 5: monday (the day of doom).
for some reason, probably the time difference and our early bedtime, alexis and i both woke at 5:30. horrible as it sounds, it did mean we got to see the sunrise. stunning.

after reading our books, we decided to head down around 9 for some food. french toast awaited me, alexis had the ham and cheese omelet of her fantasies. we even got a kitty friend who came over, i gave him creme and a scratch. we both enjoyed his friendliness, and then he decided he was a lap cat. so i had a little friend all curled up, purring up a storm. if only i'd known, i would have stayed there longer, but it was time to read and bathe in the sun.

now before you go scolding us, poo-poo-ing us, and laughing you must know there were factors. we were shocked that it wasn't raining. it was supposed to be raining the whole time. this could be our only shot. i didn't have a watch, alexis wasn't really looking at hers because of the kids. oh the kids. i forgot to mention that the night before we had gotten our first taste, the kids on sihanoukville beaches sell bracelets. they come up to you, they start a conversation, they ask you name, where are you from. they establish loyalty. they hook you. then they talk, they smile and they ask you to buy their wears. you say 'no'. they ask 'why?'. you say 'i don't need any bracelets', they say 'why?'. this goes on. and there are other games. but they would come in waves. there would be one, then two, then five. and they were fun. don't get me wrong, they were fun to talk to. chatting, asking them questions. and their english was amazing, put my students to shame. and then there were the ladies, women selling manicures, pedicures, massages, hair removal, the works. between all that we read, i jumped in the water a couple times, and by 3 o'clock we realized we had burned, too. oh did we burn.

the full extent to which we lobstered, we didn't realize till much later, so we salvaged our day. after our onesided reddening we moto-ed to town, tried and failed at the market, but then traded our 100s for more reasonable bills and walked around town. the supermarket provided us with aloe based nivia creme. the pain was coming, and this helped a little. we found a cute book store q&a books. there was a nice australlian couple staying there. we booked a trip to the islands through this book store (this of course didn't last b/c even on wednesday we could tell thursday we would not be up for it). then we dined at the holy cow. amazing food. sweet waitresses to talk to--with, of course, beautiful english.

another early night befell us after moto-ing 'home', and to make matters worse after alexis' shower the water stopped working. our much needed cold water stopped. with nothing else to do, we both got under our mosquito nets, lay down and tried not to move. this did not promote a good nights sleep, nor allow for any sleeping in.

day 6: tuesday (more pain then you can understand).
of course being up early, although not quite as early, we tried to get the still-not-working-water fixed. we told the staff. it seemed something was happening. maybe. we went back to give it a try, and wallow in our bungalow.

my stomach growled, we went down for breakfast. we asked about our water again only to discover there was a foreigner with some authority (irish maybe?). he said the tank was empty and they were pumping it from the well. 20 minutes. no problem. *sigh* but not the case. innocently we had a delish breakfast, both having the fruits pancake (turned out to be a pancake with fresh fruit mixed in the batter. yummy). after quickly confirming, on our 'hotel's' internet, that yes there is no quick cure for sunburns, we went back in anticipation of cool water. nope. frustrated, we tried to read. it didn't last and we went down to try again. upon our visual arrival the other foreigner working there noticed our burns. before we could say anything about the water, he had hopped up, grabbed some real aloe plant, cut it open and put it on my leg. i shuttered with relief. now this was no cure, but it was as close as we were going to get. and this kind kind man also noted that in no way should the water be taking this long and he got the staff working on finding the leak. of course before we could shower, the power went out (no pump to move the water to the tank) and alexis and i tried to stay distracted with our wonderful aloe, books, cards, and ordering food. although there was a lot of just sitting there saying, 'ooow'.

in a glorious moment, right before late lunch, i went up to get my lactaid pills and was greeted with running water. without thinking i stripped, stepped in and forced myself under the cold cold pelts of water. dripping hair and refreshed i strolled, hobbled, down to alexis to munch my half of our club sandwich; the whole day made a turn for the better--but just so you don't think i was complaining for nothing about the pain, oh the pain. an example, my skin was hot hot hot on my legs; so the air felt cold, this meant goosebumps. you know what goosebumps are? they are your skin tightening to close your pores. my skin did not need to be tightened. no it did not. my skin then felt like someone scraping a knife over my now goosed skin. not a nice safety razor, but a rough angry knife. ouch.

anyways, we felt a little better, so decided to moto to q&a books to cancel our boat trip and eat yummy food at holy cow again. we had a longer conversation with the australlian couple, a different conversation with the same girls at holy cow, and moto-ed almost to our 'hotel' to stop at another book store on the way. a very smart book store that also had clothes. really cool clothes. i spent $60, alexis did $50, and we each only got one book. they were good clothes. almost japanese style, but they fit us, and were reasonably priced.

another nice shower, glee from our purchases, and good reading led us to a slightly later night.

day 7: wednesday (relaxation, guilt free).
after a much better sleep, thanks to drugs, showers and aloe, we had another yummy breakfast and settled down for the day. and i mean settled. beyond running back to the room to counter the mass amounts of water we were drinking, we didn't leave our table. well, once the sun was down we did go for a nice stroll on the beach so as to enjoy our last night *tear* in sihanoukville. so it was literally sitting at one table with our books, cards, and conversation and that was it--oh, and the aloe, too. just a simple rotation of those activities, broken up by staring at the ocean and ordering food. with a nummy post stroll dinner, we had another early-ish night after more reading. perfect. guilt free.

day 8: thursday (leaving).
okay it was really only leaving sihanoukville, not the country, but this was much sadder. our morning was weighted with the knowledge of our 2:30 bus. we continued the previous day's activities, but with much less enthusiasm. i made my last purchases at the attached clothes shop at the 'hotel'. we played spit. we stared. and then we left.

the bus ride back to phnom penh was not as much fun. it was a much nicer bus, we even got water and two snacks. but it felt longer as i looked up at the slowly moving clock, and tried not to bash the couple sitting in front of us. so sickeningly lovey dovey i wanted to puke. *blech*

back in phnom penh, a little cranky and worse for wear, we found a riverside hotel, the mekong palace, for $25/night for two twins. plus cable. sadly, we tromped out onto the street and started the shopping extravaganza that would continue the next day. going to three dvd shops, we started a terrible theme and each bought $30 of dvds that were either $2 or $1 per disc. then it was dinner at the 'restaurant on the corner'. it ended up being french, and i ended up eating too much cheese. oh the cheese... the most amazing blue cheese chicken salad, beautiful panfried red snapper with garlic lemon sauce, and then a plate of just cheese. and of course strawberry ice cream for alexis and lemon crepes for me. plus, a bottle of a french white. the evening was completed with a crappy movie on tv.

day 9: friday (shopping).
waking early, we tried for breakfast at the metro, but they only do it on sundays, so we had to go across the street to where the cranky waitresses live. the food was okay, the khmer coffee was crap. we then tuk tuk-ed to the russian market, the shopping mecca. silks, nicknacks, t-shirts, scarves, dvds, wonders upon wonders and all prices up to negotiation ('cept the dvd shop, they didn't take to that very well). within an hour we had bought too many things, needed more small bills and less bags; back to the hotel it was! now i was also suffering from my sunburn and was very happy to get out of the heat and enjoy some relaxation. as we watched another crappy movie, and reveled in our purchases, we both noted that it was really nice to take this break and mellow out.

down to the metro for a snack (peking duck pancakes) and more smoothies, we then decided to give the boutiques a try. they were supposed to be next to the lucky supermarket, but the only one we could find cost more than japan--apparently it was a designer shop. with me starting to over heat again, we tuk tuk-ed back to the russian market one more time in search of clothes that apparently only lived in my mind. but i got my fabric kick by buying a stack of great scarves and a silk bedspread. both alexis and i stalked up on a couple more dvds, and then we went off to the incredibly posh cambodiana.

this was an expensive hotel. this meant it was over $100 a night. in cambodia, that means about $500 elsewhere. i felt like a kid who stepped too close to the china. for gawd's sake, they had a tiara for sale in one of their shops. but i am glad to say this didn't stop us from going into the restaurant and discovering that they had a rueben! and though slightly in accurate (it had lettuce on it) it was still so so wonderful. and the khmer coffee was good, too.

feeling giddy, and my skin boiling, back to the mekong palace it was. there we hung out, packed and listened to the rain; commenting on how ironic it was that we had feared being rained out to the point of charing our skin, but we had never gotten caught in it. dinner was at rory's (irish pub), but on the way $20 walked out of my pocket as we stopped at a bookstore and a silks shop. dinner was yummy, conversation was good, and farmer ted was at rory's again. somehow i insulted him with my 'stink eye', but we still had a nice conversation with a friend of ted's who happen to be from portland. grew up there, his parents even lived in tigard for a while gaarde and 98th. insane. to make it even crazier, he was returning to pdx and was on the same flight to taipei in the morning.

alexis and i said goodnight, waved goodbye, then stopped at a bag store to pick up extra packing space for me ($8 for a at least $60 backpack, new). more bad american tv, and then sleep.

day 10: saturday (tuk tuks, planes, taxis and shinkansens).
too early (damn keitai alarm), we woke and watched tv while we waited for a reasonable hour to roll around (remember i don't have a tv in japan, and really there is nothing good on anyways, tv was very exciting). we took our final tuk tuk ride all the way to the airport. we saw the 'real' of phnom penh and tried to soak it all up.

at the airport we went through the motions, ate one last good sandwich, met our friend from the night before and were off. a plane to taipei, 3 hours there, land, wait for 30 minutes, take off, fly for 2 hours (but not enough time to finish 'music and lyrics'). it was then 7:20pm in fukuoka. the shinkansen seemed too expensive 12 hours previously, but after changing money an not feeling quite as broke, not even a taxi from airport to hakata eki seemed like too much. golden week finally effected us and there was only one seat on the train, alexis sat, and i happily criss-cross-apple-sauced it in the back. after 10, and we were finally in hiroshima. 30 minutes later and i was home at my mansion. my apartment still a mess, but i was home.

i was reminded of this home as i stepped out of the airport and smelled japan, sweet smelling japan in the cool rain of spring; as i sat on my local train in hiroshima and gave mental 'stink eyes' to all the people surrounding me with better clothes then i would ever own; and as i strolled down on my neighborhood streets to my little 1k mansion.


the short of it: taipei was exhausting and frustrating. phnom penh was fun and warm and interesting, but stressful with all the toting going on and the fact that my camera walked away. i still don't exactly what happened, but it's gone. sihanoukville was perfect, amazing, wonderful, beautiful, stunning, all those positive words, but alexis and i did burn to an absolute crisp on our first day in the sun--stupidity reined and sunscreen stayed home--so i experienced more pain then i thought possible. but that meant we sat on the 'beach' (under the cover of our 'hotel') guilt free, ordered food, read, played cards, and chatted. a good bout of nothing. phnom penh, the second time around, ate our money very quickly, but only b/c the low low prices made us buy too much--so many dvds... and that's that.

watch hot fuzz.

don't ask or reason why. just read the pretty words and do what they say. i would justify this with, it puts "shawn of the dead" to shame, but that is sacrilege. and five gold stars if you can name who the barmaid is.

another fun weekend under the belt.

the fukuyama five minute film festival finally occurred. this meant that i had an awesome weekend; a whole weekend up north, that is. good friends, really good food, enjoyable movies, plus applause. no matter if genuine or not, applause for something you made feels good. now i just need to make something else... portfolio here i come. watch out.

my film:

thawing.

i feel like i am the embodiment of spring. one day i feel like shit. i am dark. i am depressed. i am that day with no sun, with rain, wind, and monotone grey clouds. the summer, the sun, the light, seem forever away. being happy, being able to think beyond your annoyances, anger, is impossible; and then, wham, it's a different day. not just in the week, but in the feeling. i am that spring day when you feel the sun for the first time in what feels like forever. the birds literally chirp, or rather the cicadas sing, your thoughts are clear and you know that summer has to be tomorrow. this bouncing around is what i always forget spring is. it's not just those beautiful cool days, a little showering, spring sun; it's also those dark dreary days that you think you'll never some out of; and here, i feel this. one day i cannot wait to leave, and every moment takes an eternity--literally--that i can't make it through; and the next, like today, i remember how to think. i remember why i am here, and rejoice in it; but, no matter how hard i try, on those grey spring days i can't remember the sunny ones.

remembering.

kerouac's "the dharma bums" is making me think. it's reminding me why i hate religion. religion demands that you adopt someone else's ideas as your own, or at the very least, that you think about it and come to the same conclusions. if you don't come to the same conclusions, clearly that religion is not for you. and as much as i enjoy the ideas buddhism has about this world, i do not agree wholly. the fact that i don't, even though i find them (and this book) completely inspiring, reminds me that there is no point to absorbing someone's beliefs as your own, because they aren't. but to co-opt them, to adapt them, into your own ideas of the world, to pick and choose, this is the way i think; this is the way i find my meanings. i can't demand that it is for everyone, but i can see it being the way for me to deal with ideas and discovering the world. i'm glad i remembered this.

inseey weensy.

okay, so there is one inseey weensy little problem with me finding some motivation with my film projects, i can't turn it off!! which means i am here now, sitting at my desk, at work, and i am hyper and motivated and ready to do some work, but... not work work. *film* work. which of course has very limited outlets at my current position. i can storyboard, i can write, i can plan, but that is not the stuff that gets me excited. it's putting the project together, it's editing, cutting, finding that perfect music to cut to. prep work shmep work. that's the stuff that i have to force myself to do. and while at work these days, i have to force my self to do everything. so um, my energy? now even more wasted. yup, me = frustrated. but to stay optimistic, i can do those prep things. i can brainstorm. i can come up with ingenious things to film on my off hours. i just have to force myself to...

today, japan rocks.

the last month i spent with my family, which was great-don't get me wrong-but today, it was amazing. forwarded by last night's pub quiz events, today was so much incredible fun. filming for the first time in nearly three years, i really felt this inspiration that i used to get back in high school. i really felt that i could do this as my life's project, which i haven't not been able to find/feel in a long time. beyond this getting to spend time with the the friends that i have been missing the friends that i have here in hiroshima-ken, that i have been away from while acting as tour guide; i just had so much fun. after their generous assistance with my film project, we had an impromptu hanami (cherry blossom viewing/eating and getting drunk). basically i had a really fun day that jump started me out of my funk. getting drunk and having a fun carefree day, outdoors in the gorgeous weather, is what i goddamnfucking needed. my smile is back in my face.

(the details, for my own lacking in memory benefit: my weekend you ask... was AWESOME! to be honest, last week was one of my worst. i so wanted to go home, like really really badly. then i called home and talked to luke and some other friends while they were out drinking and dancing, then i really wanted to go home. and then... pub quiz night. i had so much fun! i really miss talking to people, friends, acquaintances, people i've met only once, just people. whoever. i had a greatly entertaining conversation with cybill. had a great quiz run with dave, nats and dob (all-be-it unsuccessful; me really only playing the role of motivator). dave crashed at my place. we watched some spaced and passed out around 2. i actually got up a little after nine, and headed to dob's to get my filming done. i had a totally successful day of filming with dob, shannon and later alexis. then, unable to ignore the gorgeous weather, we hanami-ed in the peace park (i guzzled three hai-chu's and half of dob second beer). we pikura'ed, coffeed, and headed home by 9. sunday i met alexis to gym it, then we shopped (bad liz, bad). i of course ended up buying things, a new uniqlo hoody (alexis and i are now twins), the vest that i've wanted forever along with the trendy shoes i've been eyeing. exhausted at 6, after our early dinner at newyork newyork, i was home to watch my buffy by 7. and monday i edited. i forgot how much i love doing that. it's going pretty well, too. still some bugs, but once i get all the footage in the computer i should be set.)

life, of the moment.

wake up. get dressed. eat. leave for work.
ride bike for 40 minutes.
sit at desk. understand the true meaning of mind numbing boredom.
leave work.
ride bike for 30 minutes.
eat dinner. watch something. sleep.
wake up. and start again.
repeat for two and a half months.

home again home again.

jiggidy-jog. after nearly a month of travel with my family it is good to be home. it is good to come into my empty, quite apartment and know that i am alone. to know that i have my own space back. that home is here, in furuichi, in japan, seems odd, but it is how i feel. to imagine that in five months i will be taking my last ride on the kabe line, that i will leave this home, is incredibly sad. to say good-bye to this place, to this life, seems impossible right now. ironic is what this is, as i scream for portland in my head, but today, here and now, furuichi, hiroshima, is my home.

and here it comes.

beginning in on my buffy kick once again (thanks again bethy, for season 4!), i am now killing time at work by reading angel. all five seasons are up online in transcript form, and as much as i would rather be watching these episodes, rather than reading them and trying to remember all the sets and cinematography, it truly is a great way to spend the day. but why am i writing this, you ask? well because it inspired me to remember that there is a buffy comic that i keep telling everyone about, a comic that i have known about for at least a year, and should be out by now. so i googled. and googled some more, and low and behold: buffy!! season eight!! the comic!! it's out in two days in the u.s. and i'm tingling already. this is made even more exciting by the cover of the third issue. as seen below, it is so hot i think i'm going to die. now of course, i probably won't get to read this comic till september, when i am back in the good old u.s. of a., but i am still so excited that i am having trouble not giggling hysterically with joy as i sit at my desk. so, if you are one of the few in japan reading this, and you see me walking down the street, grinning like a fool, you'll know why.

and here they come.

today i left my parents wallowing in bed, or rather on futons, back at my apartment. i made my usual trek up the hill, sweating like a pig at the top, and rolled into yasufuruichi grounds to find a long and wide line of students and parents. junior high students, to be exact. confused and antsy looks. my co-teachers watched over them proud and well dressed. and i glided by hoping not to run anyone down. this is one of those days i fell happy to be in japan. this mostly comes from getting to see the change in the guard. being here from august to august, i get to see the new year begin in april, and all the kids grow up. my favorite is seeing my first and second years of last year (now second and third years) walking by the incoming junior high students with a smirk on their face. i see them lounging on the courtyard table, cruising in ten minutes late, and joking and laughing with their friends. they feel the energy that comes with having someone lower than you to pick on, or help. they feel the power of moving up in the world. it just makes me grin and remember my high school days, but mostly grin at my kids as they walk tall.

it smelled like summer.

but not any summer. it smelled like the edge of summer. that perfect oregon summer. walking home through my park, the air was cool, a soft breeze on my face. i could smell flowers on the edge of my awareness, freshly cut grass, a clean fresh summer day coming to an end. i want to hold on to that small, feeling, to live there. to curl up there and never leave. it stuns me to find this smell in hiroshima, in early march. closing my eyes i feel i can touch my childhood.

my weekend at naked man.

firstly, they aren't naked. some show a little too much, but they are in sumo-diapers (as we gaijin like to call them). the whole situation is quite ridiculous, but kate, natalie, maki and i felt the need to see this example of stupidity. we took the train to okayama--the first time for all but maki to go to this prefecture--and got there saturday morning. dropping off bags at our hotel, we killed time waiting for nats to join us then lunched at bagle and bagle (yes, another fun spelling error). another bag taken to the hotel, traded for our room keys before heading for the okayama castle. i was excited about this castle because it was supposed to have a photo shoot set up so you could get dressed up like geisha and preserve the experience on film. Through the misty rain, we made it too late to the castle for photos, but we still took the tour and our photos of yet another rebuilt japanese castle.



since we were exhausted at this point, we napped back at the hotel before getting our okonomiyaki dinner (a strange craving to have outside of the okonomiyaki capital, hiroshima). the fireworks started at nine, after dinner it was already 8:30, the actual naked man fest didn't start till midnight, but the fireworks we wanted to see didn't look likely. thirty minutes later on the train we arrived at sedaiji, the part of town where the festival was happening. beautiful lit lanterns welcomed us, as well as fireworks off in the distance. photos were taken and then we followed a small mass towards the temple, we hoped. once there we got stamps, and free ginger sake (yummy!). we weren't sure what was going to happen, but then we saw our first group of 'naked' men, some scrawny japanese men running down the 'street' then quickly turning around. this was followed by masses of cops dressed in white, covered in plastic, and then a group of enthusiastic gaijin 'naked' men running by. This was the beginning of many jiggly (and not so jiggly) butts passing us that night.



this story then goes onto running into okayama JETs, hiroshima JETs and other familiar (if only because they were gaijin) faces. we eventually found out we needed tickets, which we didn't have, and were told by a cop to just 'try and stay in'--all the non-ticketed guests were supposed to leave at 10pm. well it worked, and we spent the next two hours standing in the rain repeating the phrase, 'oh my god, this is insane!'. for two hours the 'naked' men, including a quick to thin population of gaijin, ran around in a large circle. in the cold and the rain. nearly naked. they circled the temple grounds, even running through pools of cold water, passing by us girls in progressively organized groups. we were standing on the line, being cold and wet, and shacked at how stupid and cold these men must have been. there were elderly men, boys who looked twelve, wide strong looking guys, chubby guys, impossibly skinny guys; all of which you could easily imagine walking down the street ing their salary man uniform. most surprisingly there was even a group of about twenty blind guys in a huddle, being guided by about four sighted men. most impressive, extra stupid. looking to the men's uniforms, mixed in with all the white and off-white sumo diapers were very few men with red, or a few more with navy blue, loin clothes. we assumed you earned these by winning in previous years, or participating for so many sequential years.

as we begin to tire, just standing there in the wet and cold night, midnight finally approached. the 'naked' men now gathered on the steps of the temple. firstly, gathered is really to gentle of a word. these men pushed and shoved their ay to the top of the marble steps of this large (but not large enough) temple. one man would slip, twenty would cash down onto the hard steps. the spectators would get back up, now covered in bright red bruises, and attempt to again push their way to the top. now this, along with all the running, was all build up to the main event. this exciting 'climatic' event is the 'naked' men being thrown a stick. they fight over the stick. whoever has it must take it some place special (i assume on the temple grounds) without it being taken away. what this turns into is five hundred (or more) men, dressed in loin clothes, at midnight, on what is supposed to be the coldest day of the year, fighting over a stick. hmm... i wonder which is the smart stick? could this festival possibly answer this question?



well, while this stupidity was happening, us girls were getting old and soaked, and ten minutes after the 'fight' started, we opted to scadadel out of there, since we couldn't really see anything besides the stream. the steam coming off of these guys was absolutely amazing. we actually thought maybe there was fire involved once the 'fight' got intense. leaving the insanity seemed like an even better idea once i realized my umbrella didn't just have a leak, it was a leak. after two, three hours in the rain, my umbrella had given up and just decided to let the rain come on through. the night was over. we happily sat on the toasty train for forty minutes, then hobbled from the okayama station to our hotel--that we were freakishly happy to have booked in advance.

the sunday after this fiasco of a festival we had breakfast at our hotel, trekked it back to the castle (missed the photo thing again) then wandered the garden across the way. we were all very happy to catch our trains home--nats splitting off to catch her own, the other three of us road to fukuyama, we said good-bye to maki, and kate walked me to my haircut. feeling well groomed and exhausted, i got home at seven or so.



my conclusion about this event is that i will only do this once, and the polar bear club has nothing on naked man. (one man dies over the weekend as a result from anticipation in this festival).

today was valentine's day.

now i didn't really realize this until part way through the day. it was nice not to even be aware of this obligatory holiday. however, i was reminded by a few e-mails, in reference to romantic plans of my friends, and frightening student love for others, as well as the fact that i had to teach two classes with a valentine's theme. for the most part i didn't care about the holiday, the fact that i don't have someone that i would celebrate it with, or anything related to the day. my day was pretty standard, save for plans to go to a concert in the evening. and i was enjoying, immensely, the fact that current reading material is "are men necessary?" by maureen dowd. (one of favorite quotes thus far, "men have a perfect right to be insecure. they're doomed, poor darlings"). what was interesting was, after leaving work, downtown i got to see the japanese valentine's day in action. officially women are supposed to give men chocolate, homemade chocolate, and that's it. no 'things' and no gifts for women. so of course as i went down to the sogo (department store) basement to buy my dinner, the dessert floor was filled with free samples of amazing chocolate truffles and women in business suits buying large packages. efficient and yet still totally fulfilling the feminine role that japan requires. a perfect example of japanese culture. next stop for me was to kill time at starbucks before going to the concert. of course by this time i knew that my friend, who was supposed to be going with me to the concert, had bailed on me. i was considering just going home, but decided to say fuck and go--i could always leave if it was awful. part of my reservations, i'm sad to say, was a fear that the concert would be all couples and i would just feel like a standout. of course, no matter what i would feel like a standout. i'm white. so off to the concert it was, but first came starbucks. as i was enjoying my short chai (proof that i am turning japanese, i think a venti is too much. in fact, a grande seems excessive) and delicious salad from sogo, i watched the other customers. one white couple, some japanese women in pairs or alone, and maybe a japanese couple or two. nearing the end of my sit, a young high school japanese couple sat down next to me. they were clearly on a date, sharing food, showing each other books and cds that liked, with gifts sitting in wait for the moment of the exchange (i assume they were gifts). what was interesting to me was that they were exchanging gifts, and not following the 'rules'. this was quite refreshing and just made me feel a little better for the next generation of japanese that will enter the real world. my book was also refreshing reading for the v-day (whether i'm taking it seriously or not) and the concert turned out to be amazing.

i was going to this concert in particular because our bartender from my new favorite bar, m-style, was in a band playing there. he is the bassist for the 'slinking cats'. i showed up at the right time, another band was playing, who were decent, and to my surprise and joy 'slinking cats' were on next. kazu, while setting up, noticed me right away and waved and said thank you for coming. i was already psyched just to see someone i knew playing, but then they were actually good. really good. they had quite the following, too. what made it extra extra special for me was that their singer was woman and their drummer was the cutest girl. and the guitarist? a john lennon wanna be. the whole thing just made me smile. i, of course ended up buying a cd, and getting all their autographs. they were then followed by a decent girl band, 'chapper'. and after that my heart rate got up at the imitation-slip-knot-wanna-bes, ' smack down'. they were more funny than good, but as far as the genre goes, they weren't bad. and to be able to move with a crowd to music just felt so good. after that i was on a bus, then a train and home before ten. i love my placement. if i didn't love portland more, i'd want to stay.

the night ended as i stepped in my door and a bug careened into my nostril. but all and all, a good day.

movies.

i just watched 'the last king of scotland'. and to say the least that was a hard film to watch. it was beautiful. it was powerful. and i related to the 'entry' character. but it was hard to watch. mostly i say this as i think on the last really good movie i watched, 'the departed'. i saw that movie in the theater, and at the end i knew i was going *home*. that movie reminded me why i need to go home. it was amazing, stunning, and so well made. i don't like that kind of movie--violence, mobsters, all male cast-- and yet...stunned. now, watching 'the last king of scotland' i was also amazingly impressed. the characters were engaging, the story was fascinating, disturbing and the story was true. it was painful and true (for the main details, at the very least). though it was just as good of a film, it did not leave me feeling the same way as 'the departed'. films like LKOS are definitely another reason i want to be part of the industry, telling the stories that people don't want to hear, but that's just the thing, i'm people. i don't want to hear these things. but i am so glad that i do. being able to think about these hard topics, being forced to think, is so valuable. it gives focus in another way beyond our normal comfortable lives. hopefully it reminds many of us that there are problems in the world, even though the events that this film portrayed occurred in the seventies, they are still incredibly relevant today. for once i'll preach the hiroshima wisdom, we must remember so it does not happen again. clearly this is something that has not been successful in the same way as hiroshima's peace, but it is something we can be aware of and uneasy about so we can say, i am not happy with the way things are in the world. i wonder if there is anything i can do?

re-contracting.

i just signed my papers to NOT re-contract for the next year. it's weird to think that when i first got here i thought i was going to stay. i had told people that it was almost a sure thing. but time passed. more thinking happened and i changed my mind. the emotional part of me screams to go home for the people that i love and miss. the frustrated part of me screams to go home in those moments when i am tired of living on the floor. the rational part of me calmly tells me that my passion is not here in japan. i cannot fulfill my dreams while staying in japan. my passion is possible back home. and starting that next course, just the idea of it, makes me giddy. now it is quite possible that i will fall on my ass and not be able to succeed in what i want to do. but i won't know till i try, and i don't really think i'm going to fail. because i want it bad enough i can find someway to make it work. on the reverse, my ego tells me to stay. it tells me not to be a wuss and leave cause i'm a little homesick. and then i ignore both my emotional and frustrated me. and then i want to stay. i think about all the cool people that are here; all the amazing trips i've been on and will go on; and what i will be missing my second year. then my rational voice tells me that this really isn't what i want. i want to start my career. not cause i NEED to, but because i WANT to. i am not going to apologize for being motivated. time and again i feel like i have apologize for this. but fuck no. i am a young motivated woman and i am proud of it.

how to feel less funky.

step one: be a woman and get your period.

step two: go to a conference with 60 other people that share your feelings on what the conference is really for. getting 60 gaijin together to get drunk.

step three: find some place to go dancing and spin around with japanese people giving you funny looks.

step four: stick your head up a russian cow's ass with a good friend.

step five: find someone to sleep next to.

funk.

being in a funk in a foreign country seems especially pointless. limited time means having to enjoy every moment, and get as much out of it as possible. yet the funk is, most often, unavoidable. i look forward to escaping this feeling, no idea when that will happen, but it will be nice. for the moment i can't help but wallow in my funk, eat my chocolate and hope for an end the is, as they say, in sight.

timing is everything.

spreadable cream cheese came to japan just in time for my mom's extra dark rye bread to arrive. i got hit by a car while riding my bike (a heavy love tap, as my brother would say), but it was just in time for me to hobble around iwakuni on my day trip with natalie (who hurt her ankle in south korea). timing is everything.

traveling alone or lonely traveling.

i have been fantasizing, planning, talking about my new years trip for months. nearly since i got here. i am sure my friends were getting quite sick of it. first it was okinawa, but that was too expensive. then it was yakashima, but that was gonna take too long. and then it became a circle around kyushu. i had my route set, but didn't book anything till a few days before (a booking that was really nothing since my japanese is lacking). i had purchased a tent and sleeping pad from REI, had it shipped to me. i was set. things were planned, yet left rather vague. i was going to be in kumamoto for two days, assuming that as the capital of kumamoto prefecture there would be things going on, and then was going to circle through aso-san in the center of kyushu, drop by usuki and circle back up to hiroshima.

the night before i left it started snowing in hiroshima. big flakes, and a lot of it. by morning it was a winter wonderland, with the neighborhood construction workers still hard at work. i couldn't hear the trains, i was a little concerned--a good excuse for my to procrastinate leaving a little longer--but i headed out the door around 9am. after chatting with a nice lady on the train, who spoke great english, i realized that i would be a standout tourist for the next five to six days with my large backpack weighed down with my security blanket (my camping supplies).

my first step was buying my shinkansen ticket and training down to kumamoto. after a little difficulty with the vending machine and some concern that the train i had jumped on very quickly was the wrong one, i was off. after a very pleasant shink ride to hakata i switched to a limited express to kumamoto and experienced my first bit of the holiday rush with a train with no seats (for an hour and a half). an asian looking rich american was complaining about this fact, in classic american form, but was told her reserved seat was useless. looking like a moron a few times, asking if this was my stop, i eventually found kumamoto. the station was smaller than i expected, no hiroshima, and the city maps quickly told me that practically everything in the city was closed due to the new years holiday. the thing that drew me to this city was the contemporary art museum, which according to the ma was still open just till the 29th (that day), so i quickly scooted over there on the street car only
y to discover japan hasn't quelled the problem of false advertising. sooo...i wandered around the arcade a bit, looking for a decent coffee shop, and eventually decided on finding my hotel.

this would be the second disappoint of kumamoto. my hotel was an old ryokan (japanese style inn) with an owner who spoke no english (basically) and rooms that charged for heat. i had been fantasizing about a bed on the train ride down and the prospect of a tatami room and futon did not inspire the expected foreign tourist　excitement, as this is my same set up at home. so after deciding to be optimistic, i set my stuff down and decided to go look at the closed castle. i explored the park, and circled the castle. took many photos and listened to a band practice for some kind of event that was being set up (i later discovered this was the 400th anniversary of the castle that was to be celebrated new years eve--not when i would be there). i then went back to the arcade to explore more and find dinner. as it got later i got crankier and was quick to discover the dinner scene didn't start till six, still an hour away, so i settled on an italian restaurant (something i have come to loath in japan) and had a disappointing dinner. i then went back to my hotel to take a bath and settle in early. clearly at this point in my adventure i felt more as if this was lonely traveling rather than traveling alone. this wasn't helped by running in to a british family (all growd up) at my ryokan, with a mom that looked like mine. after an toasty bath i went to sleep and hoped for a better day tomorrow.

sosenji park and rogeingi cave were on my agenda for the day, as the were the only things open two days before new years. the park was in town and the cave was quite a bit away. i stopped for breakfast at starbucks, craving my chai, and found that they had french toast. the park, after a little searching and asking (and causing a woman to fall off her bike), was easy to find. it was rather dull, it had miniatures of famous sites in japan--including inari shrine and mt. fuji--but the park was rather dead looking in the dead of winter. the families and korean tourists were interesting to watch, and i got a few interesting photos. i asked for directions to the cave (which included a forty min bus ride) and headed to the bus terminal (not center, like in hiroshima). i had time to kill so i found pigeons in a near by park to photograph and got lunch at a family mart. the bus ride was nice, i really was getting of the city into the hills, and i got reading done.

soo...once at the location, park, whatever, it was so nice to breath deep and smell trees and dirt. those smells being that exciting, i had really been in the city too long. the cave was just that, a cave. it was part of a buddhist temple site and had a 200 yen admission, that you paid and then walked through the rustiest turnstile i've ever seen. the whole thing was very quirky and inaka--and a lot smaller than i expected. i took photos of the stone buddhas scattered about, looked at the cave where great minds meditated and enjoyed getting a text from sandi. after getting my 200 yen's worth, i wandered the rest of the grounds, looked at the family plot and found the shrine where they really prayed (with indoor slippers and all). i then went to see the other bit of the small park, saw a great view of the staired hills and decided to head higher into a private mikan (mandarin orange) grove. there i found a docomo (cell phone) tower and just a nice real part of japan--rotting oranges and all. after a little more hiking around i decided to just wait for the bus (still good hour away) and read my book. after a little worry that it wouldn't come, i reveled in the warmth of a bus that was all mine for the whole trip back to the city.

for dinner i went to a place i had tried to go to the night before, yonenoya dinning, but had been closed. the food was amazing, and the cooks were entertaining to watch. after a little chit chat, and me reading again, i headed back early again, and made it to bed by 10. that night i was annoyed by too giggling girls in the next room and still felt the pains of lonely traveling.

the next morning i had a breakfast prepared by the hotel owner. i requested this because i really have missed the home cooking of my hokkaido host mom. it wasn't quite the same and was a little pricey for breakfast (750yen) but included melon so all was well. i payed my bill, waved good bye, and went to the train station to catch my ride to aso-san. i was very happy to say goodbye to this city that was not open for me, and felt more like korea than japan (probably because of the tourists and that the last outta hiroshima trip i had taken was to seoul). the train ride to aso was uneventful, only one change, and brought me to a small mountain side tourist town. here is where things began to pick up. at tourist information i was point towards the bus stop to get to the top of the mountain--i was ahead of schedule and decided to go up the mountain new years eve instead of new years day--i stashed my backpack in a locker (yay for japanese coin lockers) and then chatted with another tourist who was headed for kumamoto (after speaking to her for a moment i realized why she was sitting alone, she was a tad annoying with an obsession with volcanoes). i spotted the cool kids waiting for the same bus i was going to catch and said bye to this girl (after giving her hotel information cause she didn't have a place to stay in kumamoto). now the cool kids meant a married couple from okinawa (joe and nicole) that had been there for two years, joe being in the military. a cranky JET (4 years in japan, 2 on JET) named brett. and a very sweet girl named morgan who was just visiting from new york. they had spent the previous day taking seven buses to get to aso-san from fukuoka (i had to smirk as they could have taken the train and made in 4hrs at most) and were semi friendly, more morgan than the others. i chatted with them at the bus stop. did the get to know you questions and then listened in on what stops meant what discussion on the bus since i didn't have a map. i choose to
get off at the same stop as them, then split off, so i could actually hike rather than just get dropped off at the top. i found a map and explore some stairs--that led to a real cool view and then a slip in the mud that made me real mad as i only had one pair of pants. i then found the trail to the top  and headed off. not surprisingly i ran into the cool kids 10 min in. the cranky JET had some photo he needed to go take and the others wanted to head to the top, so as brett left i joined in with the other three and started to have fun. we ran into a tiny helicopter offering rides about half up. i personally scoffed at the price (5,000yen for four minutes), but morgan and nicole were excited. joe was a little cautious as he is an actual helicopter mechanic and knew that thing was kinda iffy. the girls wanted to do and i said screw it, 'how often do you get a chance to ride in a helicopter to see the largest active volcano in japan?' (after some convincing from morgan). the ride was amazing! i went with a korean couple on a vacation (only three at a time) who spoke great english, and realized that 4 minutes was plenty. the inferior of the volcano was really cool with a boiling lake turned sea-foam green/blue by the sulfur. the view was incredible. while the others took their turn i took photos of the abandoned restaurant and tram linear by. all rusty and cool. finally we headed for the top again, giddy from our little adventure, and were quick to discover that the copter ride was worth every yen. there was too much gas and no one was aloud at the top. so we explored the gift shop, tried some free samples, bought some pottery and then decided to hike down rather than just sit and wait for the bus. we joined up with cranky JET again and fulfilled nicole's predictable desire to go look at the horses (sorry, she just looked one of those blonde horse loving' rich girls).  ii took a photo that i am really happy with then we jumped on the bus and went back to the small town. now i felt a little bad cause i didn't really say bye, i saw joe and he said they were jumping on the train i thanked him and waved, but meh.

next was the debate. stay in aso for the night. that meant camping as the youth hostel was closed, and there was snow on the ground... or i could jump on the train to beppu and get  head start on the next day. i went for the train, but there was an over two hour wait. luckily there was a local onsen and i scooted over there and decadently enjoyed lounging outside in freezing weather, butt naked and still feeling toasty warm.

the train ride was long and i begin to realize i hadn't eaten. when i got to beppu the city was dead. no one was near the station, i saw maybe 10 people. i don't know where everyone was on new years eve, but i wasn't running into them. i did see a cabbie kindly changing a woman flat tire, i decided to ask him for directions to the youth hostel rather than dig out my lonely planet. he didn't know but he called his friend over and he gave me simple straight, left, right at the biig tori and it's on the left directions and i was off. as i walked i got a little worried because i saw no tori. the street eventually got skinner (after 10 minutes walking) and this looked more promising for a tori. eventually i saw it, took what i assumed to be the correct right at a vaguely confusing intersection and walked up the new small street. nothing looked like a youth hostel. i kept walking. i saw the left over festivals booths and asked for directions. she had no idea what i was talking about. i said i'd go looking, there was a bid building coming up that looked promising. and in a way it was. it was the local mental HOSPITAL, not youth HOSTEL. either this was the biggest misunderstanding or the biggest insult ever. thankfully i wasn't that pissed because beyond that was a real cool looking shrine. i went up and explored, took some photos at the ends of the new years eve festival and smiled. i never would have seen this otherwise. so i turned around, asked for directions from a younger woman, and begin to think that 'yes, i had been sent to the mental hospital' and pulled out my lonely planet. i followed the very clear map and found the hostel, of course, closed. it was 10pm at this point. new years eve. i had been walking around this empty city, with my 30 pound bag on my back, for two hours now and i was now pissed. i flagged a cab and asked for the simplest place in the lonely planet 'business hotel star' (and apparently you have to say it in that order or the cabbie will be
 confused) and i spent the night at a sleazy hotel and with my vending machine beer, omiyage gift from the hello kitty vendor and pay tv and was asleep by 10:45.

it felt like something out of a book and was actually not bad at all.

the next morning i dragged myself out of bed, got dressed and checked out by 8am. i walked across the street to the train station, bought my ticket to usuki and bought my onigiri breakfast. the usuki station was nothing to write home about. it did have the beach smell that made me think of the oregon coast and i did get to chat a little with a busdriver (not the right bus) who had lived in texas. i again took advantage of the large coin lockers and went out to the famous usuki buddhas. it was a classic japanese tourist site, restaurant, omiyage shops. i bought my ticket and headed in what i thought to be the right direction. apparently not. but like many other wrong turns on this trip it was all okay. i saw some graveyards that were really old, mixed in with new granite stones. i saw an old shrine that had clearly just had a festival and eventually found my way to the overly developed buddhas. they all had big roof built over them and were repaired (not noticeably). not as interesting as  the stuff i just saw. but still, i got my photos and looked around. i heard a big bell and saw that there was a buddhist temple across the field and went over to ring the bell. (i like ringing bells). once there i discovered that i have perfect my japanese-cat. i saw one little sweetie up above, i meowed at her and she came to say hello. i really didn't want to pet her, she looked so sick, so i just talked with her. but then her friend came down, a brown tabby with a face tumor. i gave the tabby a little scratch as he looked cleaner, and was still talking to them. then another three cats come down. now i have five cats circling my feet and talking to me. i don't know exactly what they want--maybe the doughnut a japanese tourist just bought for me--but i rang the bell, took their photos and tried to leave. two of them just kept following me and every time i turned to look at them they were further encouraged. so sad! i just want to go find cat food for them and love them, but no konbini in sight. i made it out of there, eventually, and bought my hello kitty strapu and waited for the bus back to the station.

still only noon i decided to head for the usa shrine that was supposed to be 1000 years old, or at least that site had been used as a shrine for 1000 years. on the train i met a nice young man who happened to be headed to the same town and we chatted a bit. once we switched to the second train, a fancier limited express, i got to sit and watch some grandparents and their two grandchildren be ridiculously cute. at usa my new friend took a photo of me, i of him, and he found the bus to the shrine for me, awww how sweet. the bus ride was supposed to be only 10 minutes, but with a solid line of cars it took much longer (i have no idea how long as i proceeded to fall asleep). as the line of cars foretold, i figured out where everyone was. the shrine was packed. really packed. booths selling food, kids, dogs, souvenirs. i just followed the crowds--feeling rather conspicuous with my large backpack--and made the circle past the kagura and up to the shrine where people were throwing money. at one point i even saw a monk counting a very large stack of mon. kinda gave me the creeps. i then went and found some kansai style okonomiyaki (not as good as hiroshima) and then proceeded to find some hidden shrines and cool corners of the very large grounds. i ended my evening with a tasty crepe and decided to hike it back to the station and try to find somewhere to camp. i was totally stoked to camp on the side of the road, wake up and finish my hike to the station. but then i got nervous i was on the wrong road. i had slept my way to the shrine. it was starting to drizzle, a downpour sure to come, and i stopped a car to ask for directions. this young japanese couple offered to give me a ride and there was no way i was turning them down and i forced my wide backpack into their car.

once at the station i started to freak a little. i couldn't camp there. it was now dark, i was worried i'd end up in someone's yard and get the police called on me in the morning, or something... my friend from my train ride just happened to be at the station. we chatted, he pointed to the train that just pulled in and said it was going north. i said 'fuck it' and jumped on without paying. then i realized it was an express, it wasn't going to stop at any lonely stops where i could camp. i was a little low on cash. i didn't know what to do, i got off at the second stop, there was no sign, i had no idea where i was. i did not know what to do. then i nice lady waved at me. i waved back. i still didn't know what to do, but wandered over to her side deciding to head north, on the way up the stairs she stopped me. she offered me a place to stay. she was with her 14 year old down-syndrome granddaughter and she offered me a place to stay and gave me her beer while we were on the train. then she bought me ice cream. and then she set a room for me with a futon and let me use her bath. and just when i was getting sleepy her daughter showed up with the older granddaughter and a six pack of beer and snacks. we then stayed up till midnight chatting and drinking (the second granddaughter having one haichu). so much fun. i found out that the grandmother had traveled the entirety of japan without spending a dime. she had written a book. and spoke at schools about her book. and took all of her grandchildren on trips around japan. she also had a restaurant, where she made all of breakfast the next morning and the elder granddaughter (the one not handicapped) played her memorized chopin's fantasy for me. it was AMAZING. the whole day, night thing. they then walked me to the bus stop, we took cute photos, and i was off.

five hours later i was getting off at my station and i was home. i love traveling alone.