re-contracting.

i just signed my papers to NOT re-contract for the next year. it's weird to think that when i first got here i thought i was going to stay. i had told people that it was almost a sure thing. but time passed. more thinking happened and i changed my mind. the emotional part of me screams to go home for the people that i love and miss. the frustrated part of me screams to go home in those moments when i am tired of living on the floor. the rational part of me calmly tells me that my passion is not here in japan. i cannot fulfill my dreams while staying in japan. my passion is possible back home. and starting that next course, just the idea of it, makes me giddy. now it is quite possible that i will fall on my ass and not be able to succeed in what i want to do. but i won't know till i try, and i don't really think i'm going to fail. because i want it bad enough i can find someway to make it work. on the reverse, my ego tells me to stay. it tells me not to be a wuss and leave cause i'm a little homesick. and then i ignore both my emotional and frustrated me. and then i want to stay. i think about all the cool people that are here; all the amazing trips i've been on and will go on; and what i will be missing my second year. then my rational voice tells me that this really isn't what i want. i want to start my career. not cause i NEED to, but because i WANT to. i am not going to apologize for being motivated. time and again i feel like i have apologize for this. but fuck no. i am a young motivated woman and i am proud of it.

how to feel less funky.

step one: be a woman and get your period.

step two: go to a conference with 60 other people that share your feelings on what the conference is really for. getting 60 gaijin together to get drunk.

step three: find some place to go dancing and spin around with japanese people giving you funny looks.

step four: stick your head up a russian cow's ass with a good friend.

step five: find someone to sleep next to.

funk.

being in a funk in a foreign country seems especially pointless. limited time means having to enjoy every moment, and get as much out of it as possible. yet the funk is, most often, unavoidable. i look forward to escaping this feeling, no idea when that will happen, but it will be nice. for the moment i can't help but wallow in my funk, eat my chocolate and hope for an end the is, as they say, in sight.

timing is everything.

spreadable cream cheese came to japan just in time for my mom's extra dark rye bread to arrive. i got hit by a car while riding my bike (a heavy love tap, as my brother would say), but it was just in time for me to hobble around iwakuni on my day trip with natalie (who hurt her ankle in south korea). timing is everything.

traveling alone or lonely traveling.

i have been fantasizing, planning, talking about my new years trip for months. nearly since i got here. i am sure my friends were getting quite sick of it. first it was okinawa, but that was too expensive. then it was yakashima, but that was gonna take too long. and then it became a circle around kyushu. i had my route set, but didn't book anything till a few days before (a booking that was really nothing since my japanese is lacking). i had purchased a tent and sleeping pad from REI, had it shipped to me. i was set. things were planned, yet left rather vague. i was going to be in kumamoto for two days, assuming that as the capital of kumamoto prefecture there would be things going on, and then was going to circle through aso-san in the center of kyushu, drop by usuki and circle back up to hiroshima.

the night before i left it started snowing in hiroshima. big flakes, and a lot of it. by morning it was a winter wonderland, with the neighborhood construction workers still hard at work. i couldn't hear the trains, i was a little concerned--a good excuse for my to procrastinate leaving a little longer--but i headed out the door around 9am. after chatting with a nice lady on the train, who spoke great english, i realized that i would be a standout tourist for the next five to six days with my large backpack weighed down with my security blanket (my camping supplies).

my first step was buying my shinkansen ticket and training down to kumamoto. after a little difficulty with the vending machine and some concern that the train i had jumped on very quickly was the wrong one, i was off. after a very pleasant shink ride to hakata i switched to a limited express to kumamoto and experienced my first bit of the holiday rush with a train with no seats (for an hour and a half). an asian looking rich american was complaining about this fact, in classic american form, but was told her reserved seat was useless. looking like a moron a few times, asking if this was my stop, i eventually found kumamoto. the station was smaller than i expected, no hiroshima, and the city maps quickly told me that practically everything in the city was closed due to the new years holiday. the thing that drew me to this city was the contemporary art museum, which according to the ma was still open just till the 29th (that day), so i quickly scooted over there on the street car only
y to discover japan hasn't quelled the problem of false advertising. sooo...i wandered around the arcade a bit, looking for a decent coffee shop, and eventually decided on finding my hotel.

this would be the second disappoint of kumamoto. my hotel was an old ryokan (japanese style inn) with an owner who spoke no english (basically) and rooms that charged for heat. i had been fantasizing about a bed on the train ride down and the prospect of a tatami room and futon did not inspire the expected foreign tourist　excitement, as this is my same set up at home. so after deciding to be optimistic, i set my stuff down and decided to go look at the closed castle. i explored the park, and circled the castle. took many photos and listened to a band practice for some kind of event that was being set up (i later discovered this was the 400th anniversary of the castle that was to be celebrated new years eve--not when i would be there). i then went back to the arcade to explore more and find dinner. as it got later i got crankier and was quick to discover the dinner scene didn't start till six, still an hour away, so i settled on an italian restaurant (something i have come to loath in japan) and had a disappointing dinner. i then went back to my hotel to take a bath and settle in early. clearly at this point in my adventure i felt more as if this was lonely traveling rather than traveling alone. this wasn't helped by running in to a british family (all growd up) at my ryokan, with a mom that looked like mine. after an toasty bath i went to sleep and hoped for a better day tomorrow.

sosenji park and rogeingi cave were on my agenda for the day, as the were the only things open two days before new years. the park was in town and the cave was quite a bit away. i stopped for breakfast at starbucks, craving my chai, and found that they had french toast. the park, after a little searching and asking (and causing a woman to fall off her bike), was easy to find. it was rather dull, it had miniatures of famous sites in japan--including inari shrine and mt. fuji--but the park was rather dead looking in the dead of winter. the families and korean tourists were interesting to watch, and i got a few interesting photos. i asked for directions to the cave (which included a forty min bus ride) and headed to the bus terminal (not center, like in hiroshima). i had time to kill so i found pigeons in a near by park to photograph and got lunch at a family mart. the bus ride was nice, i really was getting of the city into the hills, and i got reading done.

soo...once at the location, park, whatever, it was so nice to breath deep and smell trees and dirt. those smells being that exciting, i had really been in the city too long. the cave was just that, a cave. it was part of a buddhist temple site and had a 200 yen admission, that you paid and then walked through the rustiest turnstile i've ever seen. the whole thing was very quirky and inaka--and a lot smaller than i expected. i took photos of the stone buddhas scattered about, looked at the cave where great minds meditated and enjoyed getting a text from sandi. after getting my 200 yen's worth, i wandered the rest of the grounds, looked at the family plot and found the shrine where they really prayed (with indoor slippers and all). i then went to see the other bit of the small park, saw a great view of the staired hills and decided to head higher into a private mikan (mandarin orange) grove. there i found a docomo (cell phone) tower and just a nice real part of japan--rotting oranges and all. after a little more hiking around i decided to just wait for the bus (still good hour away) and read my book. after a little worry that it wouldn't come, i reveled in the warmth of a bus that was all mine for the whole trip back to the city.

for dinner i went to a place i had tried to go to the night before, yonenoya dinning, but had been closed. the food was amazing, and the cooks were entertaining to watch. after a little chit chat, and me reading again, i headed back early again, and made it to bed by 10. that night i was annoyed by too giggling girls in the next room and still felt the pains of lonely traveling.

the next morning i had a breakfast prepared by the hotel owner. i requested this because i really have missed the home cooking of my hokkaido host mom. it wasn't quite the same and was a little pricey for breakfast (750yen) but included melon so all was well. i payed my bill, waved good bye, and went to the train station to catch my ride to aso-san. i was very happy to say goodbye to this city that was not open for me, and felt more like korea than japan (probably because of the tourists and that the last outta hiroshima trip i had taken was to seoul). the train ride to aso was uneventful, only one change, and brought me to a small mountain side tourist town. here is where things began to pick up. at tourist information i was point towards the bus stop to get to the top of the mountain--i was ahead of schedule and decided to go up the mountain new years eve instead of new years day--i stashed my backpack in a locker (yay for japanese coin lockers) and then chatted with another tourist who was headed for kumamoto (after speaking to her for a moment i realized why she was sitting alone, she was a tad annoying with an obsession with volcanoes). i spotted the cool kids waiting for the same bus i was going to catch and said bye to this girl (after giving her hotel information cause she didn't have a place to stay in kumamoto). now the cool kids meant a married couple from okinawa (joe and nicole) that had been there for two years, joe being in the military. a cranky JET (4 years in japan, 2 on JET) named brett. and a very sweet girl named morgan who was just visiting from new york. they had spent the previous day taking seven buses to get to aso-san from fukuoka (i had to smirk as they could have taken the train and made in 4hrs at most) and were semi friendly, more morgan than the others. i chatted with them at the bus stop. did the get to know you questions and then listened in on what stops meant what discussion on the bus since i didn't have a map. i choose to
get off at the same stop as them, then split off, so i could actually hike rather than just get dropped off at the top. i found a map and explore some stairs--that led to a real cool view and then a slip in the mud that made me real mad as i only had one pair of pants. i then found the trail to the top  and headed off. not surprisingly i ran into the cool kids 10 min in. the cranky JET had some photo he needed to go take and the others wanted to head to the top, so as brett left i joined in with the other three and started to have fun. we ran into a tiny helicopter offering rides about half up. i personally scoffed at the price (5,000yen for four minutes), but morgan and nicole were excited. joe was a little cautious as he is an actual helicopter mechanic and knew that thing was kinda iffy. the girls wanted to do and i said screw it, 'how often do you get a chance to ride in a helicopter to see the largest active volcano in japan?' (after some convincing from morgan). the ride was amazing! i went with a korean couple on a vacation (only three at a time) who spoke great english, and realized that 4 minutes was plenty. the inferior of the volcano was really cool with a boiling lake turned sea-foam green/blue by the sulfur. the view was incredible. while the others took their turn i took photos of the abandoned restaurant and tram linear by. all rusty and cool. finally we headed for the top again, giddy from our little adventure, and were quick to discover that the copter ride was worth every yen. there was too much gas and no one was aloud at the top. so we explored the gift shop, tried some free samples, bought some pottery and then decided to hike down rather than just sit and wait for the bus. we joined up with cranky JET again and fulfilled nicole's predictable desire to go look at the horses (sorry, she just looked one of those blonde horse loving' rich girls).  ii took a photo that i am really happy with then we jumped on the bus and went back to the small town. now i felt a little bad cause i didn't really say bye, i saw joe and he said they were jumping on the train i thanked him and waved, but meh.

next was the debate. stay in aso for the night. that meant camping as the youth hostel was closed, and there was snow on the ground... or i could jump on the train to beppu and get  head start on the next day. i went for the train, but there was an over two hour wait. luckily there was a local onsen and i scooted over there and decadently enjoyed lounging outside in freezing weather, butt naked and still feeling toasty warm.

the train ride was long and i begin to realize i hadn't eaten. when i got to beppu the city was dead. no one was near the station, i saw maybe 10 people. i don't know where everyone was on new years eve, but i wasn't running into them. i did see a cabbie kindly changing a woman flat tire, i decided to ask him for directions to the youth hostel rather than dig out my lonely planet. he didn't know but he called his friend over and he gave me simple straight, left, right at the biig tori and it's on the left directions and i was off. as i walked i got a little worried because i saw no tori. the street eventually got skinner (after 10 minutes walking) and this looked more promising for a tori. eventually i saw it, took what i assumed to be the correct right at a vaguely confusing intersection and walked up the new small street. nothing looked like a youth hostel. i kept walking. i saw the left over festivals booths and asked for directions. she had no idea what i was talking about. i said i'd go looking, there was a bid building coming up that looked promising. and in a way it was. it was the local mental HOSPITAL, not youth HOSTEL. either this was the biggest misunderstanding or the biggest insult ever. thankfully i wasn't that pissed because beyond that was a real cool looking shrine. i went up and explored, took some photos at the ends of the new years eve festival and smiled. i never would have seen this otherwise. so i turned around, asked for directions from a younger woman, and begin to think that 'yes, i had been sent to the mental hospital' and pulled out my lonely planet. i followed the very clear map and found the hostel, of course, closed. it was 10pm at this point. new years eve. i had been walking around this empty city, with my 30 pound bag on my back, for two hours now and i was now pissed. i flagged a cab and asked for the simplest place in the lonely planet 'business hotel star' (and apparently you have to say it in that order or the cabbie will be
 confused) and i spent the night at a sleazy hotel and with my vending machine beer, omiyage gift from the hello kitty vendor and pay tv and was asleep by 10:45.

it felt like something out of a book and was actually not bad at all.

the next morning i dragged myself out of bed, got dressed and checked out by 8am. i walked across the street to the train station, bought my ticket to usuki and bought my onigiri breakfast. the usuki station was nothing to write home about. it did have the beach smell that made me think of the oregon coast and i did get to chat a little with a busdriver (not the right bus) who had lived in texas. i again took advantage of the large coin lockers and went out to the famous usuki buddhas. it was a classic japanese tourist site, restaurant, omiyage shops. i bought my ticket and headed in what i thought to be the right direction. apparently not. but like many other wrong turns on this trip it was all okay. i saw some graveyards that were really old, mixed in with new granite stones. i saw an old shrine that had clearly just had a festival and eventually found my way to the overly developed buddhas. they all had big roof built over them and were repaired (not noticeably). not as interesting as  the stuff i just saw. but still, i got my photos and looked around. i heard a big bell and saw that there was a buddhist temple across the field and went over to ring the bell. (i like ringing bells). once there i discovered that i have perfect my japanese-cat. i saw one little sweetie up above, i meowed at her and she came to say hello. i really didn't want to pet her, she looked so sick, so i just talked with her. but then her friend came down, a brown tabby with a face tumor. i gave the tabby a little scratch as he looked cleaner, and was still talking to them. then another three cats come down. now i have five cats circling my feet and talking to me. i don't know exactly what they want--maybe the doughnut a japanese tourist just bought for me--but i rang the bell, took their photos and tried to leave. two of them just kept following me and every time i turned to look at them they were further encouraged. so sad! i just want to go find cat food for them and love them, but no konbini in sight. i made it out of there, eventually, and bought my hello kitty strapu and waited for the bus back to the station.

still only noon i decided to head for the usa shrine that was supposed to be 1000 years old, or at least that site had been used as a shrine for 1000 years. on the train i met a nice young man who happened to be headed to the same town and we chatted a bit. once we switched to the second train, a fancier limited express, i got to sit and watch some grandparents and their two grandchildren be ridiculously cute. at usa my new friend took a photo of me, i of him, and he found the bus to the shrine for me, awww how sweet. the bus ride was supposed to be only 10 minutes, but with a solid line of cars it took much longer (i have no idea how long as i proceeded to fall asleep). as the line of cars foretold, i figured out where everyone was. the shrine was packed. really packed. booths selling food, kids, dogs, souvenirs. i just followed the crowds--feeling rather conspicuous with my large backpack--and made the circle past the kagura and up to the shrine where people were throwing money. at one point i even saw a monk counting a very large stack of mon. kinda gave me the creeps. i then went and found some kansai style okonomiyaki (not as good as hiroshima) and then proceeded to find some hidden shrines and cool corners of the very large grounds. i ended my evening with a tasty crepe and decided to hike it back to the station and try to find somewhere to camp. i was totally stoked to camp on the side of the road, wake up and finish my hike to the station. but then i got nervous i was on the wrong road. i had slept my way to the shrine. it was starting to drizzle, a downpour sure to come, and i stopped a car to ask for directions. this young japanese couple offered to give me a ride and there was no way i was turning them down and i forced my wide backpack into their car.

once at the station i started to freak a little. i couldn't camp there. it was now dark, i was worried i'd end up in someone's yard and get the police called on me in the morning, or something... my friend from my train ride just happened to be at the station. we chatted, he pointed to the train that just pulled in and said it was going north. i said 'fuck it' and jumped on without paying. then i realized it was an express, it wasn't going to stop at any lonely stops where i could camp. i was a little low on cash. i didn't know what to do, i got off at the second stop, there was no sign, i had no idea where i was. i did not know what to do. then i nice lady waved at me. i waved back. i still didn't know what to do, but wandered over to her side deciding to head north, on the way up the stairs she stopped me. she offered me a place to stay. she was with her 14 year old down-syndrome granddaughter and she offered me a place to stay and gave me her beer while we were on the train. then she bought me ice cream. and then she set a room for me with a futon and let me use her bath. and just when i was getting sleepy her daughter showed up with the older granddaughter and a six pack of beer and snacks. we then stayed up till midnight chatting and drinking (the second granddaughter having one haichu). so much fun. i found out that the grandmother had traveled the entirety of japan without spending a dime. she had written a book. and spoke at schools about her book. and took all of her grandchildren on trips around japan. she also had a restaurant, where she made all of breakfast the next morning and the elder granddaughter (the one not handicapped) played her memorized chopin's fantasy for me. it was AMAZING. the whole day, night thing. they then walked me to the bus stop, we took cute photos, and i was off.

five hours later i was getting off at my station and i was home. i love traveling alone.