i've been in the suburbs for 2 days and i want to kill myself.

so i've got five days left in portland, tigard, the u.s.--whatever you want to say--and i'm spending it at my parents in tigard. it's not bad hanging out at the house, mind you i say this after being ready to kill my mother this afternoon while i was attempting to pack for an entire year, but its not bad. however we went for a bike ride this afternoon and stopped off at albertson's. the absolute oppressive waste that was clearly happening at this store made me want to puke. i cringed as i saw that they had added tv screens all over to play cooking shows so people don't need to leave their mass media at home. above the pile of tomatoes, half of which will probably be thrown away, there was a cooking show talking tritely about the origin of the name of clementine-something-or-others. the tv followed me to the check out line where i watched to classic suburbians buy prepackaged food and a pile of beef that was either for stew or some over fed dog. i just don't know what to say besides i miss downtown portland. the simple abundance of "organic" products at the no-longer unsafe safeway is at least an attempt towards a environmentally sound world. mind its not much of one, but at least i can live in a bubble of denial and make a move towards eating from the farmers market and locally grown products. my promise to never live in the suburbs again has been solidified by this brief time back in my hometown. of course all of this means nothing as i leave for a very urban environment soon.

today i made the mistake of looking at the willamette week's free guide to portland. i was filled with inspiration of the places that i've wanted to try or didn't know i wanted to try and then realized it'll be at least a year before i can even thinking about making the trek over to east burnside to try the ethiopian place everyone talks about. this follows katie's realization as of sunday that i'm really leaving, really leaving. something that i don't want to even ponder for fear of balling uncontrollably. i've said good-bye to my grandma twice now, i don't know if i'll see her again before i go and this is the way i feel about everyone. each time it might be the last. totally over dramatic. it's only a year. but still...i had a beer with my ex this evening it was so great to catch up, to renew that friendship that has laxed. it really put a smile on my face and a spring in my step, and damn i needed that. he said some things that made me feel better about leaving and my terror subsided temporarily. temporarily as i know it will be back tomorrow morning, if not when i try to sleep. but really it is going to be soo freakin' awesome. so amazing and life changing that no matter how scary it's worth it. i almost wish that i wasn't so happy with where i am with people and portland, it would make running away easier. but shit i'm so thankful that i'm really happy in my life now, as i hadn't been in a while, so i know i am strong enough to handle this crazy change and at the very least i'll have a phone and i'll call the voices i need to hear and it will all be better.

less than 2 weeks...

so i have one more week of work then a week of stuffing everything i want to bring in my two bags. this past weekend i spent in salem with luke and the portland gang (minus a few). running around salem in one hundred degree weather was not as bad as it sounds. i had dinner at my uncle's, met luke's dad and sibs and cousin, then met eric's mom and dad and aunt and uncle and grandma and sisters, ect. meeting different families and talking to new people is always fun and it was definitely a good time, this was followed by a failed trip to the zoo and a late night trip to sauvie island. running around mostly naked on the beach and in the water was a good time, but it makes me feel lost. the whole weekend made me feel a little lost. with so little time left there are a million things i want to squeeze in and every one i miss out on feels like something that will never happen again. and it won't, at least not in the same way. so this next week i don't know what to do. should i go to bars every night with my no money? run around on my bike and try to visit with people? spend time with my family? i have no idea what i want to do besides not be home. i don't want to be home. not that i don't enjoy hanging out with bert and elena, but being at the apartment (or my parent’s house) seems like such a waste. but i'm so exhausted, and recovering from being really dehydrated yesterday, that i should be sitting on the couch, vegging out. but i don't want to. and probably the weirdest thing is even though clearly i call elena's place home, i still feel rather homeless and i have a feeling that for at least the next three months i'll have the same feeling in japan. i don't even want to think about it. my skills of denial are ruling my life right now. but i still feel the weight of my impending departure like a tons of bricks on my back.