OBAMA DAY!!!

and it all comes to a rushing end.

i thought my grin could not be wiped off my face to day. i must have wished like 50 people a 'happy obama day' today. i still had 'we are the champions' ringing in my ears from the previous night. the memory of the crazy glee at 37th and hawthorn. we have a fucking black president. we have a democrat administration. we have a democrat government! it amazing and beautiful and then there's the big ol' but...

i had a shit day in class tonight. my teacher actually walked out. but not before insulting me personally. and i know that he did this in the first place because he felt insulted by the class, but shit that was crashing. i haven't felt this worthless in a long time. at least i had my mother reminding me that i am good at whatever i set my mind to, and that i am capable of succeeding. but shit. i feel like an ass and just so disappointed that this day is ending this way.

but (and there it is again) i'm not going to let it. this is one of the best days of my life and i spent it smiling, canvassing for HRC, talking to some fab people and feeling proud to be an american.

i thought i had it.

and now i've lost it. not completely. not really. but still... i skim the edges of it when i start something new, when my fingers glide of the the jumble of bumps, spikes, smoothness of inspiration. then i see where i used to be: riding high on tangible reality of my talent, of my ability. not now though. now i feel like an idiot. like an ant in the horde of ants, indistinguishable. nearly useless and certainly nothing special. i question everything in my late night dismal decline. sleep beckons, and quitting does, too. i'm getting good at that. quitting. giving up. i have no patience, i have no will power to push through the uncomfortable, i think i'm better than it, i think i deserve more, but do i? am i really greater than those i leave behind? the only thing that separates us is my ability to quit. my ability to say 'fuck you. fuck this.' and that deserves no admiration, despite those that give it to me as i walk out the door. is this the rest of my life? my frustration, my arrogance ruling my life? or will i learn to give in, will i break to others' will and 'fit in' and thereby be happy. is that it? or do i cling to the foolhardy who say, 'yes!' and push through these late night declines. maybe this? sleep beckons.

making love.

i just finished watching "the diving bell and butterfly" and all i went to do is make love to a beautiful woman.

it had been sitting on my desk for nearly a month and i just hadn't gotten around to it, but i sat down and settled in. and let me say it was beautiful. a movie worthy of the big screen. the feelings of being trapped, the sympathy, the understanding, the desire, the little subtleties, everything. it was stunning.

it reminded me of being in paris and hearing french all around me, and the wonderful architecture of paris, and the art and the pompousness and clothes, and snootiness. and beauty.

the colors, the in and out of focus, the structure, the actors. beautiful. that's it. that's the word. and from there is the desire to make love, to revel in someone else's flesh. to kiss, to nuzzle, to enjoy. to touch. the sense of desire from the main character was not obsessed over, or spelled out, but it was there, palatable, and felt through the screen. and to take from that the urge to live life, to be alive, i cannot escape. yet even as i say this i know, although i have the real desire again, i am not ready. i'm still figuring things out, i'm still (to some extent) purposefully busy, and i still am enjoying my solitude and through that the time to consider, think and grow.

star wars porn.

well... not actually porn. but it might as well be.

i picked them up again, the bantam star wars books. and i qualify that because the other ones don't count. i've read the series at least two other time all the way through (there are about 40 novels, each over 300 pgs), and most significantly i read them all one summer in middle school (or high school, i can't remember) and i read like one a day. i couldn't put them down.

and here i go again. i'm reading "the courtship of princess leia" right now, and i'm loving it more. i forgot how feminist it was, featuring two matriarchal societies. i am looking at the time now, knowing i should just go to sleep, but i know it won't happen. i will be off to gorge on another 50 pages or so before sleep overwhelms.

it can be a little distracting, but i am also so in love with life right now, and really being an artist-in film school and all-that 's it's jsut one more pleasure to make me grin.

but this weekend? yet another shoot that i'm stoked on, to be foreshadowed by a thursday shoot that i know will be awesome.

dr. horrible's fantastic sing-a-long.

i've watched it 2 and a 1/3 times now. it's amazing.

i could list a whole bunch of other words and go on and on about how in love with joss whedon i am, but we know (and if you don't, go find out http://www.drhorrible.com/ ) and really what i'm trying to say is i'm inspired. i'm already inspired by all the kids in my classes and what i'm getting to do on other's projects and just this jumping into film that i'm doing and i am so happy.

i want to make something just that awesome. that's the point of this moment in my typing. i'm going to. i know i can, but i really want to do it right now. but something that awesome takes lots of work and thought and rewrites and planning and teamowrk and i love it all, but i want it now. not later.

i'm gonna start. i'm gonna make it work. i'm gonna rock it. i'm gonna be amazing and i already see it, i just have to have patience.

and quit my job.

anger, sadness and hangovers.

what was it in japanese? second day drunk? which when i say that to english speakers they just think i'm saying i was still drunk the second day, not that i am what a person who got drunk is on on the second day.

yesterday was my second day, thursday was my drunk day. my boss, chef and friend got fired yesterday. even now i am so angry and hurt by it that i can feel my tears welling. now, i know he'll be fine. he'll get another job in a snap. but (this is selfish me right now) my world is changed. i don't get to see him anymore, the whole environment that i was just starting to not hate is gone. and so that you really understand the situation, we had our employee meeting on thursday. for 3 hours the owners were encouraging and nice to us (which never ever happens). patrick (our ex-chef) stood up after the meeting and said, "that was painless", 10 minutes later they fired him. no warning, some bullshit reason about management style. and he packs up his stuff and is gone.

what really happened is that a week ago patrick told the owner how we all felt about him: scared whenever he shows up, like he doesn't like us. apparently there was some yelling and now someone's fired. and now i'm quitting. i didn't put any notice in, i'm going to be slightly more reasonable than that. but my manager knows that i'm seeking other employment.

i quit my last job 'cause i couldn't sell corporate steak anymore, i'm quitting this one 'cause i can't make money for the bastards that own that place.

how does that lead to drunk you ask?

so thursday night, first thursday which means free booze for all!, i went out and got purposefully drunk. i made out with a friend of a friend, i had to be taken care of by my amazing underage pal jazz, hugged the porcelain bowl and i forgot half my night. and friday? friday i was still angry but with a horrible headache and no will to do my job.

distance is a feeling.

i came back from japan and now i feel the difference.



i felt it before but i guess i didn't want o acknowledge it. or i thought it was a "hey, i'm not in college anymore, that must be why i don't get drunk every weekend anymore". but no, i think i'm different. i think i changed. or at least my priorities? i looked at the photos on katie's camera and i felt lonely. i think it was just from last night, at last thursday, where i went and i encountered, but i didn't stay, i didn't party, i didn't even have one drink or one conversation with my supposed everyday friends. i had to run off to a film shoot. i don't really regret it at all, i'm happy i did it, which is why i know my priorities changed. film before bros. not bros before hoes, or more aptly put, chixs before dixs... or i guess film before chixs? or film before... friends?

but did it really change? in college i sat at home and did my own thing all the time, that is until my senior year when i broke up with tyler and began sowing wild oats.

i think i'm just lonely.

and loneliness brings me back to japan. where i was lonely. where i was separate and doing my own thing. and i came back to do film. my own thing. and i miss putting my friends first... i miss being a goof... i miss being on the call list to do things. but i never come and so i've been dropped off the "frequently attends, please call" list. or else i've dropped myself off it by just not doing it anymore.

but then back to the japan thing, i did miss out. my friends made new friends and started new things and even though it's been nearly a year since i've been back (omg depressing) i still don't fit in anymore. and 10 months isn't long enough to be happy with new life and new friends.

why was i stupid enough to think it would all be the same when i stepped back in my world? my world was gone the moment i stepped on that plane.

and what's even stupider? i just had an amazing friday night off work, where i geeked out with film nerds, saw an amazing film, and made a new pseudo friend, and a stunning bike ride got me home. but those damn photos... those friends, that life that i'm just on the edge of.

gosh blogging makes me mellow dramatic.

peace, man.

it's silly. i haven't touched this in months and months, but i had a thought, and here goes.

i was riding my bike home tonight and some cute kid (girl, to be more specific) flashed me the peace sign. i was pleasantly baffled at first, i thought maybe she was just a sweet hippie in the back seat of a volvo station wagon fleein' the bike love, and then i remembered my clothing. i was garbed up in hippiness today; my mother's boutique shirt, my super hippie skirt from the supper hippie japanese clothing store, my green earthy helmet, i was the image. so of course this sweet smiling girl gave me the sign that i was emblemising.

and here was my thought. this supper hippie, bagged down w/stuff and biking up in southeast, is not who i am. it's one of the people that i want to be, but it's not who i am. each day i dress up in something i find pretty or cool, something that is much more of a costume to me than actual clothing, and i jump on my bike (which is just another part of who i wish i was) and i set out. and here i go again in some angsty quest of who i am... but really... who am i?

i guess i can truly hold on to being a nerd. that is something that i'm comfortable with claiming, and so of course i vocally label myself that way all the time and i am drawn to other nerds. i can also label myself as a film student, almost maker. and there i feel comfy, too. but when i try to jump from my bi-sexual label to full lesbian, i know i'm lying. just like when i'm biking in my hippie sheek, it's just a costume. i was a gleeful vegetarian, but have fallen back to a pesketarianism.

i guess i can conclude that i have my clothing variety/image variety 'cause i get bored with simly being a nerd and a film student. i like to play the game of being a little of this and a little of that.

and as for my mohawk, my tattoos, my new nose piercing, i guess these are just things that fit me at a more base level than even my nerd claims. as in, i am a nerd, but i'm also more of a rebel, a rebel with a cause who will stand up for herself.