distance is a feeling.

i came back from japan and now i feel the difference.



i felt it before but i guess i didn't want o acknowledge it. or i thought it was a "hey, i'm not in college anymore, that must be why i don't get drunk every weekend anymore". but no, i think i'm different. i think i changed. or at least my priorities? i looked at the photos on katie's camera and i felt lonely. i think it was just from last night, at last thursday, where i went and i encountered, but i didn't stay, i didn't party, i didn't even have one drink or one conversation with my supposed everyday friends. i had to run off to a film shoot. i don't really regret it at all, i'm happy i did it, which is why i know my priorities changed. film before bros. not bros before hoes, or more aptly put, chixs before dixs... or i guess film before chixs? or film before... friends?

but did it really change? in college i sat at home and did my own thing all the time, that is until my senior year when i broke up with tyler and began sowing wild oats.

i think i'm just lonely.

and loneliness brings me back to japan. where i was lonely. where i was separate and doing my own thing. and i came back to do film. my own thing. and i miss putting my friends first... i miss being a goof... i miss being on the call list to do things. but i never come and so i've been dropped off the "frequently attends, please call" list. or else i've dropped myself off it by just not doing it anymore.

but then back to the japan thing, i did miss out. my friends made new friends and started new things and even though it's been nearly a year since i've been back (omg depressing) i still don't fit in anymore. and 10 months isn't long enough to be happy with new life and new friends.

why was i stupid enough to think it would all be the same when i stepped back in my world? my world was gone the moment i stepped on that plane.

and what's even stupider? i just had an amazing friday night off work, where i geeked out with film nerds, saw an amazing film, and made a new pseudo friend, and a stunning bike ride got me home. but those damn photos... those friends, that life that i'm just on the edge of.

gosh blogging makes me mellow dramatic.