Thursday, September 17, 2009

my cat died.

and it sucks.

she was the most amazing sweet, gentle, fun kitty ever, and i love her and i feel like shit for not taking her with me to college and not getting to snuggle her every night that i didn't get to snuggle her.

i have never actually had to be in the room when a pet was euthanized, and i have not even had to say goodbye to a pet since i was in elementary school (tangent: when recently cleaning out my stuff from my parents' basement i found a journal that had one entry in it. it was from the day my dog died. i wrote about how much i cried and drew a picture of where we buried her).

she was so tiny.

she was always a fat cat. that's what we called her, "fat cat" or "pot belly". my called her a "sack of bones" in the end.

kitty started out as the runt. so small and silly. at nine i even took her into my class and did a report on her, looked down at her little face the whole time. that was my teacher's criticism. kitty always had to put up with me when i was a grabby little fourth grader who always wanted to be holding her, and a grabby little 25 year old who always wanted to be holding her. in the end i was the one holding her when we went to the vet. i was the last on to hold her, but i wasn't the one to hold her when she was in the box, all taped up. my mom had to do that.

right now i'm left with soggy red eyes and a desire for distraction and pizza. there's also the really depressing thought that now i know what my next tattoo should be, a copy of my favorite kitty photo.

there's also the fact that my mom had this film that she wanted me to make, starring kitty. my first film a made, that i did by myself at the nwfc, was starring kitty. this last year my mom kept saying, "we have to make it, kitty's not gonna be around much longer." i don't think i wanted to believe her. and now i want to make the film. i have some ideas of how to make it still staring kitty, but it'll be sad. she was the best actress i've ever worked with.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

random fashion tip #5.

remember in middle school when you went school shopping and you got to pick out your new clothes for the whole school year? you got to decide would you dress grungy? preppy? hippie? and remember how going through rack after rack of the jc penny's junior section you felt like a cat with a fresh batch of cat nip? you never got to go there any other time, and this trip was totally on mom's dime. and everything felt so exciting, with all those new fashion options. and you had no inclination to dress sexy, but just to find something cool.

why can't shopping be like that anymore?

fashion tip #5: go shopping with your mom (or best friend) and pretend like it's middle school all over again and you've got the chance to pick out that first day of school outfit. (you may need to save up for this if you're anything like me, b/c i betcha mom or your best friend is not going to foot the bill).

Monday, August 24, 2009

random fashion tip #4.

#4: clothes that are too small? no. the jeans that you'll loose weight to fit in to? passé. buy clothes that fit and that are comfortable. this just happens to lead into that whole being comfortable in your own skin, because everyone is beautiful and sexy and sappy sappy sappy sap.

(just because i called it sappy doesn't make it any less true).

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

another step forward for men, and 3 back for women... ugh.


lately i've been obsessively reading jezebel.com

i have a lot of pseudo free time at work and with that time i decided to get informed. to me that meant a little real news & a little entertainment, and no corporate bull shit. hello, jezebel! also this means i get a healthy dose of feminism (making me even more of an aggressive, don't mess with me, kinda gal).

today i read this article: and it was just another example of when men get there first.

the article focuses on the fact that gay men don't need "fag hags" any more because it has become socially acceptable to be a gay man. in the past "fag hags" were the beard for gay men. they could go to a wedding and pretend to be straight with their giggling "girlfriend", introduce their lady friend to their mother, or have a photo on their desk at work.

however, this has changed. now you can be gay and have straight male friends, you can even come out pre puberty and you don't even have to be flamboyant. this is fantastic. really. not sarcastically--i am very happy for every step towards equality. of course none of these new stereotypes are across the board, i'm sure, there is still manystaps to take, but for some men they are true and therefore the "fag hag" is a passe accessory for gay men.

in the other half of this arrangement, women still want and need their gay male accomplice. this article explains that it may not necessarily be the fat, dorky, outsider women who want this sex-free male friend, but they are still desired by the paris hilton fashionistas--who need validation from a male face, but have no idea what being gay, or an outsider, is all about. in other words, women are still shallow, they NEED validation, and they can only get it from men--female opinions just won't do.

what this all boils down to is that in this country, yet again, women don't get theirs. men can be gay, a black man can be president, but women can't be women--even the straight and white variety. women are still insecure, still have to dress a certain way to be a serious politician (or a serious anybody), and still have to look to others to know when they are right. when will this change, you ask? women had to wait 50 years after non-white men got to vote (officially--although of course their were still reading tests and plenty of other discrimination that delayed voting rights), and racism is still prevalent even after we have a black man in the white house.

i believe the answer is, maybe by the end of my lifetime. maybe.


p.s. i've always hated the term "fag hag" so if that disappears? i'm not gonna tear up.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

random fashion tip #3.


#3: when you can feel the wind in the hair on your legs, it's time to shave. but there is no obligation, rebel against the hairless and enjoy being a dainty sasquatch.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

random fashion tip #2

i date depressed boys because my father is depressed. what a depressing fate.
back on subject,

fashion tip #2: DO NOT be afraid of bright colors. they make people happy.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

liz's random fashion tip #1.

portland is hot.
ahh, portland.
no one can sleep, including me. i got in a huge tiff with my partner last night, only made worse by this heat. and despite all the exciting film related opportunities in my life, i feel quite negative. so i'm going to distract myself and you!

i am a fashion queen. or at least all the fawning i get when i walk into a room leads me to this conclusion. and being the amazing inspiration that i am, i feel that keeping all my knowledge to myself is selfish. and because i am not selfish, i shall share some of my fashionista secrets with you, one at a time.



#1: when you find a dress with pockets, buy it. do not question how cute it looks, what color it is, or any of those silly considerations. you'll make it work and you'll thank me later.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

akward.

i feel like there's something crawling underneath my skin. i see ten different things in front of me, each one out of reach, and each one the wrong and right choice.

i left town. i was stressed, too busy, had too many commitments, and i left town. three weeks. gone. absent, not in contact, except to a few. nothings changed. my skin is still crawling and i still don't know where to turn. i want to run. i guess that's what i did, but i want to run again, more pertinently and further. the other side of the world, gone. disappeared. i wondering if i will always be haunted by the freedom i felt in japan?

that's what it was: freedom. from commitments, from talking to people, from making decisions. it's the cheaters way out. the cop-out. it's not something i believe in.

face your problems, demons, what have you; do not run. i am not lola.

it's probably the 3 hours of sleep last night, the jittery starbucks this morning, i'll be fine tomorrow, after i sleep.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

blum.


random words that mean nothing but are funny noises are sometimes the best way to really describe how you're feeling. best friends sometimes have all the answers and sometimes they are all the problems.

i am one busy kitten right now. for the hundredth time in my life i have over committed myself. and i am still wallowing in the winter doldrums of t.v. addiction, chocoholism and basic procrastination. the question that faces me now is do i need a change or do i not need a change.

getting comfortable in life is amazing. you can sit there and and stupidly smile knowing everything is alright and that you don't need to worry. of course this also leads to unmotivation and a lack of follow through (kinda the same thing but... still). have i gotten so complacent that i am not making the leaps and bounds that i need to be making right now? i am 25. a quarter century. i'm not quite where i imagined myself, but i'm not far off. i think i'm supposed to be on the edge of some grand scheme to really be headed in the right direction--at least according to my 15 year old self. fuck. that's 10 years ago. i just realized that. 10 years from now... where do i want to be? now that is a cliche question, but it is one that i used to ask myself over and over. but then i changed. i changed for those around me, i changed to fit in, i changed to be normal. now i'm so normal i'm cool and i'm the kid in class who distracts you from what the teacher is saying. that is NOT the person that i want to be and 2 years ago i resolved (as a kind of infinite new years resolution) to be the person that i want to be, not the person that i am today. i think the person that i want to be wants some change. they want to have those people in their life that are important and cool and unique, but they also want to move forward and remember that everyone else can't come first.

i'm still terrified. but that's not the person that i want to be so i guess i can't be anymore.

reading "the autographman" has brought me back into that mode of inspiration and creativity. everyone talks about going and living away from it all, at the beach or on an island, but away. to be there and create to be free from distractions and change the world through the thoughts had out in the middle of no where. of course, as we saw in "into the wild" you can take that concept to far.