and it sucks.
she was the most amazing sweet, gentle, fun kitty ever, and i love her and i feel like shit for not taking her with me to college and not getting to snuggle her every night that i didn't get to snuggle her.
i have never actually had to be in the room when a pet was euthanized, and i have not even had to say goodbye to a pet since i was in elementary school (tangent: when recently cleaning out my stuff from my parents' basement i found a journal that had one entry in it. it was from the day my dog died. i wrote about how much i cried and drew a picture of where we buried her).
she was so tiny.
she was always a fat cat. that's what we called her, "fat cat" or "pot belly". my called her a "sack of bones" in the end.
kitty started out as the runt. so small and silly. at nine i even took her into my class and did a report on her, looked down at her little face the whole time. that was my teacher's criticism. kitty always had to put up with me when i was a grabby little fourth grader who always wanted to be holding her, and a grabby little 25 year old who always wanted to be holding her. in the end i was the one holding her when we went to the vet. i was the last on to hold her, but i wasn't the one to hold her when she was in the box, all taped up. my mom had to do that.
right now i'm left with soggy red eyes and a desire for distraction and pizza. there's also the really depressing thought that now i know what my next tattoo should be, a copy of my favorite kitty photo.
there's also the fact that my mom had this film that she wanted me to make, starring kitty. my first film a made, that i did by myself at the nwfc, was starring kitty. this last year my mom kept saying, "we have to make it, kitty's not gonna be around much longer." i don't think i wanted to believe her. and now i want to make the film. i have some ideas of how to make it still staring kitty, but it'll be sad. she was the best actress i've ever worked with.
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losing a pet can be so hard. I had a cat, cousteau, for most of my childhood. He was the best part of my life that i can remember from that period. in 7th grade, my sister left for school and i was left with cousteau as my only companion. That was when i started messing up with school. I poured so much of my energy into that cat and he always knew when i needed a nuzzle. He used to always walk in front of the car when we'd pull into the driveway. His tail always stuck straight up in the air when he walked, so we could always see him. until my dad bought a jeep. One day, when i was in trouble for not doing my homework, my mother and i went to the hirschorn gallery so i could get extra credit. When i got home, there was a wet spot on the driveway and my dad came out in tears and told us that he'd run over cousteau. we all cried like a sibling had died, buried him and marked his grave with a flagstone, and life really was never the same after that. I still miss that cat every single day. I miss him leaving me rabbits on the front step, or being attacked by the mockingbird in the front yard, or clawing at my eyes when i saw him sleeping and thought it would be fun to stick my face in his curled up fur.
but all that matters is that you remember how great cornmuffin was, and that you were valuable parts of each others' lives. no cat will ever be the same, i assure you, but you'll have others that are different and good in their own ways.
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