my cat died.

and it sucks.

she was the most amazing sweet, gentle, fun kitty ever, and i love her and i feel like shit for not taking her with me to college and not getting to snuggle her every night that i didn't get to snuggle her.

i have never actually had to be in the room when a pet was euthanized, and i have not even had to say goodbye to a pet since i was in elementary school (tangent: when recently cleaning out my stuff from my parents' basement i found a journal that had one entry in it. it was from the day my dog died. i wrote about how much i cried and drew a picture of where we buried her).

she was so tiny.

she was always a fat cat. that's what we called her, "fat cat" or "pot belly". my called her a "sack of bones" in the end.

kitty started out as the runt. so small and silly. at nine i even took her into my class and did a report on her, looked down at her little face the whole time. that was my teacher's criticism. kitty always had to put up with me when i was a grabby little fourth grader who always wanted to be holding her, and a grabby little 25 year old who always wanted to be holding her. in the end i was the one holding her when we went to the vet. i was the last on to hold her, but i wasn't the one to hold her when she was in the box, all taped up. my mom had to do that.

right now i'm left with soggy red eyes and a desire for distraction and pizza. there's also the really depressing thought that now i know what my next tattoo should be, a copy of my favorite kitty photo.

there's also the fact that my mom had this film that she wanted me to make, starring kitty. my first film a made, that i did by myself at the nwfc, was starring kitty. this last year my mom kept saying, "we have to make it, kitty's not gonna be around much longer." i don't think i wanted to believe her. and now i want to make the film. i have some ideas of how to make it still staring kitty, but it'll be sad. she was the best actress i've ever worked with.

random fashion tip #5.

remember in middle school when you went school shopping and you got to pick out your new clothes for the whole school year? you got to decide would you dress grungy? preppy? hippie? and remember how going through rack after rack of the jc penny's junior section you felt like a cat with a fresh batch of cat nip? you never got to go there any other time, and this trip was totally on mom's dime. and everything felt so exciting, with all those new fashion options. and you had no inclination to dress sexy, but just to find something cool.

why can't shopping be like that anymore?

fashion tip #5: go shopping with your mom (or best friend) and pretend like it's middle school all over again and you've got the chance to pick out that first day of school outfit. (you may need to save up for this if you're anything like me, b/c i betcha mom or your best friend is not going to foot the bill).