Monday, July 31, 2006

i've been in the suburbs for 2 days and i want to kill myself.

so i've got five days left in portland, tigard, the u.s.--whatever you want to say--and i'm spending it at my parents in tigard. it's not bad hanging out at the house, mind you i say this after being ready to kill my mother this afternoon while i was attempting to pack for an entire year, but its not bad. however we went for a bike ride this afternoon and stopped off at albertson's. the absolute oppressive waste that was clearly happening at this store made me want to puke. i cringed as i saw that they had added tv screens all over to play cooking shows so people don't need to leave their mass media at home. above the pile of tomatoes, half of which will probably be thrown away, there was a cooking show talking tritely about the origin of the name of clementine-something-or-others. the tv followed me to the check out line where i watched to classic suburbians buy prepackaged food and a pile of beef that was either for stew or some over fed dog. i just don't know what to say besides i miss downtown portland. the simple abundance of "organic" products at the no-longer unsafe safeway is at least an attempt towards a environmentally sound world. mind its not much of one, but at least i can live in a bubble of denial and make a move towards eating from the farmers market and locally grown products. my promise to never live in the suburbs again has been solidified by this brief time back in my hometown. of course all of this means nothing as i leave for a very urban environment soon.

today i made the mistake of looking at the willamette week's free guide to portland. i was filled with inspiration of the places that i've wanted to try or didn't know i wanted to try and then realized it'll be at least a year before i can even thinking about making the trek over to east burnside to try the ethiopian place everyone talks about. this follows katie's realization as of sunday that i'm really leaving, really leaving. something that i don't want to even ponder for fear of balling uncontrollably. i've said good-bye to my grandma twice now, i don't know if i'll see her again before i go and this is the way i feel about everyone. each time it might be the last. totally over dramatic. it's only a year. but still...i had a beer with my ex this evening it was so great to catch up, to renew that friendship that has laxed. it really put a smile on my face and a spring in my step, and damn i needed that. he said some things that made me feel better about leaving and my terror subsided temporarily. temporarily as i know it will be back tomorrow morning, if not when i try to sleep. but really it is going to be soo freakin' awesome. so amazing and life changing that no matter how scary it's worth it. i almost wish that i wasn't so happy with where i am with people and portland, it would make running away easier. but shit i'm so thankful that i'm really happy in my life now, as i hadn't been in a while, so i know i am strong enough to handle this crazy change and at the very least i'll have a phone and i'll call the voices i need to hear and it will all be better.

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