re-contracting.

i just signed my papers to NOT re-contract for the next year. it's weird to think that when i first got here i thought i was going to stay. i had told people that it was almost a sure thing. but time passed. more thinking happened and i changed my mind. the emotional part of me screams to go home for the people that i love and miss. the frustrated part of me screams to go home in those moments when i am tired of living on the floor. the rational part of me calmly tells me that my passion is not here in japan. i cannot fulfill my dreams while staying in japan. my passion is possible back home. and starting that next course, just the idea of it, makes me giddy. now it is quite possible that i will fall on my ass and not be able to succeed in what i want to do. but i won't know till i try, and i don't really think i'm going to fail. because i want it bad enough i can find someway to make it work. on the reverse, my ego tells me to stay. it tells me not to be a wuss and leave cause i'm a little homesick. and then i ignore both my emotional and frustrated me. and then i want to stay. i think about all the cool people that are here; all the amazing trips i've been on and will go on; and what i will be missing my second year. then my rational voice tells me that this really isn't what i want. i want to start my career. not cause i NEED to, but because i WANT to. i am not going to apologize for being motivated. time and again i feel like i have apologize for this. but fuck no. i am a young motivated woman and i am proud of it.