unamerican.

something has changed. i felt it while i was in cambodia. i realized, all of a sudden, that home did not appeal. in fact there was a certain amount of terror when i looked ahead to that september flight. being in a country full of people that would never understand the frivolous decisions that plague americans made me realize that i don't want to be one of those americans. and in the past, and even while in cambodia, i can not deny that i am/was one of those americans. much in the same way that, while i am in japan, it is very hard to deny the structure, the organization, and the box that japanese society puts you in. back in america, will i be able to hold on to the things that i now value? will i be able to be that neo-hippie that does not participate in the obsessive media, the all consuming consumerism? probably not.

the advantage of japan, as i see it, is not that it does not hold these things. anyone whose been here for even a week can see that japan has adopted much of american culture, and has even beaten us in our consumeristic tendencies, along with having many other aspects that are not desirable (as every country does). the advantage of japan is that i am not japanese. as a friend here commented, the appeal for him is not (just) loving japanese culture, but that as a foreigner you are distinctly separate. now i don't have a lot to compare my experience to, i have only been to three other countries, but even in those brief visits i saw that foreigners may not be more accepted, but they are more included. this is felt most when walking down thee street, in korea i was grabbed at, called out to; in taipei i was approached for photos, for conversation; and in cambodia, most of all, i was haggled and conversed with, and i saw how foreigners had integrated themselves in with the locals. in japan the number of times i get a spontaneous conversation on the street i could count on one hand. true, part of this has to do with living in a bigger city, but it seems as if the only people who have any awareness towards greeting me are kids and some of the elderly. sure the average citizen will say hello, but most often only after i say it first. while kids still have some innocent curiosity, and the elderly have given up on living with in the requirements of the society.

how does this effect my life? it means that i feel no obligation to fit it. sure i did originally go shopping crazy, and i still buy things that are a little silly/japanese, and it is hard to travel on a whim without reservations ect., and i do respond to the structured box of japanese society, but i am not japanese. i do not spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars on one outfit. i do not walk around with a parasol in the summer. i do not just let things go that i could fix if i just have a conversation. i do not stay after work for three hours. i am american. and one thing about being abroad, anywhere, is you finally feel american (even if you never felt it before), but the good thing about that ('cause who really wants to be american?) is that i can leave the stuff i hate behind. when i am in america it is hard to ignore the mass, but being here i am separate. separate from america and separate from japan.

going back to america seems like the end to my freedom--ironic in the land of the free. of course much of this has to do with real life starting when i go back, responsibilities, and actually having to acknowledge the political situation. of course i do still want to kiss the ground when i step out on to portland soil, but america? i don't want to do there.