random words that mean nothing but are funny noises are sometimes the best way to really describe how you're feeling. best friends sometimes have all the answers and sometimes they are all the problems.
i am one busy kitten right now. for the hundredth time in my life i have over committed myself. and i am still wallowing in the winter doldrums of t.v. addiction, chocoholism and basic procrastination. the question that faces me now is do i need a change or do i not need a change.
getting comfortable in life is amazing. you can sit there and and stupidly smile knowing everything is alright and that you don't need to worry. of course this also leads to unmotivation and a lack of follow through (kinda the same thing but... still). have i gotten so complacent that i am not making the leaps and bounds that i need to be making right now? i am 25. a quarter century. i'm not quite where i imagined myself, but i'm not far off. i think i'm supposed to be on the edge of some grand scheme to really be headed in the right direction--at least according to my 15 year old self. fuck. that's 10 years ago. i just realized that. 10 years from now... where do i want to be? now that is a cliche question, but it is one that i used to ask myself over and over. but then i changed. i changed for those around me, i changed to fit in, i changed to be normal. now i'm so normal i'm cool and i'm the kid in class who distracts you from what the teacher is saying. that is NOT the person that i want to be and 2 years ago i resolved (as a kind of infinite new years resolution) to be the person that i want to be, not the person that i am today. i think the person that i want to be wants some change. they want to have those people in their life that are important and cool and unique, but they also want to move forward and remember that everyone else can't come first.
i'm still terrified. but that's not the person that i want to be so i guess i can't be anymore.
reading "the autographman" has brought me back into that mode of inspiration and creativity. everyone talks about going and living away from it all, at the beach or on an island, but away. to be there and create to be free from distractions and change the world through the thoughts had out in the middle of no where. of course, as we saw in "into the wild" you can take that concept to far.
