oct. 7, 2006
i had a week that felt normal. i didn't desperately desire portland. hiroshima was looking pretty good. my kids were being all awesome and actually talking to me. one day, while passing the JR tracks on the way home, i actually had a full and complete thought--'oh, i should look into tv sets, cause i don't think i could survive two years without a better medium for watching movies.'--that i am going to be here for two years. and then…something changed. now i can't stop eating. i'm distracted. i can't relax. i miss every little thing from home. i am depressed. logically i will come out of this. and tomorrow's massive amounts of sake and seeing the girls (minus sandi) should help my force the next up shoot in my shock, but fuck. i don't need to go home right now, but i am having trouble imagining not staying for two years because if i only stay for one it is basically impossible that i will get to go to india or do my post-JET trek of japan. but imagining not being in portland for two years literally hurts, like a punch in the kidneys. and if i did go home, for more than a week, it would screw up all my possible second year travel plans. i feel like i'm trapped on the edge of a fence. if i fall i'll be safe, but i have no idea which way to let gravity take me.
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